Resourceful Teen Caught Carrying Loaded Gun In Cooch

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Didn’t Lil’ Kim do something like this? My bad…she actually made a “Sprite can disappear in (her) mouth,” which is great but certainly not on the level of using your snatch as a snug-fit gun case. From The Smoking Gun:

A 19-year-old Tennessee woman had a loaded handgun hidden in her vagina when she was brought into jail yesterday afternoon following a collar for driving with a suspended license, police report.

As Dallas Archer was being booked into the Kingsport jail, a female corrections officer alerted to an “unknown object” in the teenager’s crotch during a search.

The jailer and a female cop then accompanied Archer to a bathroom for further examination, a review that led to the recovery of a “North American Arms 22 LR revolver (loaded) which Ms. Dallas had concealed in her vagina,” according to a Kingsport Police Department report.

A subsequent check revealed that the five-shot mini-revolver–which is four inches in length–had been “stolen from an auto burglary in 2013.” The handgun, which police valued at $250, is owned by John Souther, a 70-year-old retired car salesman.

-Dewan Gibson

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Otherwise Honorable R. Kelly Accused Of Sex Harassment

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If you’re R. Kelly’s maid, you might get groped. Like Chris Rock said when that tiger bit off Siegfried’s head, “That tiger didn’t go crazy! That tiger went tiger!” R. Kelly went R. Kelly. Some may call that blaming the victim, I call it being incredibly naive for taking a job with the most illustrious perv in modern R&B history. From Page Six:

Page Six has exclusively learned that Kelly was accused of sexual harassment as recently as 2010 by a 36-year-old housekeeper, but he settled the case out of court for $100,000 to avoid litigation.

According to sources, the woman worked for Kelly for about a year, beginning in 2008 when the “Bump n’ Grind” singer did just that: talked dirty and groped his employee.

-Dewan Gibson

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My Newborn’s Foreskin Is A Keepsake I’ll Cherish Forever

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My third son, Larke Lawrence Wayne Gibson (the “e” in Larke is silent and very masculine), was born last Tuesday. This morning we reduced his chance of penile cancer and STDs by having his potentially embarrassing cock hoodie removed. As you can see in the picture above he was very content before the procedure (left) and somewhat surprised after the circumcision (right). Well, shocked would be a better description. Nonetheless he’ll be perfectly fine in a couple-few days.

Oh yeah, because we have great health insurance the doctor was nice enough to put Larke’s foreskin in a tiny jar for our keeping, which may be a new Obamacare provision. I plan to give it to him when he becomes a man on his tenth birthday, or sooner, if for some silly reason he decides he wants it reattached. Welcome to the world, Larke!

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-Dewan Gibson

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Can’t Go Wrong With A Bikini Car Wash Rap Video

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It’s not that I wouldn’t go to a bikini car wash, it’s just that I need the ass-cheek prints to be fully removed from my windows before I hand over my cash and leave the spot.

-Dewan Gibson

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Kim Jong Un On A Tiny Bed, Posing Like A Biz-Nitch

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Dictators are so soft and cuddly these days. Keep posing like this and no one will believe you’re capable of killing your own people (Shanghaiist).

-Dewan Gibson

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Forty Minutes of RZA Talking About Pretty Much Everything

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RZA’s numerology involving 22 caught me off guard being that today’s the 21st, but the interview actually airs tomorrow. Very little that’s not discussed during this interview, it’s pretty much like reading RZA’s book, “The Tao of Wu.” RZA on the Raekwon: “We need him there. I want him there…it should take business for us to come together to do what we do.”

-Dewan Gibson

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Tweeting Through The Pain Of Seeing A Random Guy Sex Mom

luster-douglass

Praise be to Allah that I have a dad and not some random guy from the Rally’s pickup window mandingo-ing my mom. You figure if you catch Dad doing her all you can do is cheer him on.

-Dewan Gibson

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Topless Students In China Protest For Gender Equality

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Their masks scream SARS, but I’m thinking they don’t want to show their faces due to cavemen haters who don’t want women to have equal rights, including the right to bare their breasts in public for all of the internet to see (Shangaiist).

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-Dewan Gibson

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NBA Executive Of The Year Yells ‘F*ck Brooklyn (Nets)’

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Masai Ujiri, Toronto Raptors general manager and 2013 NBA Executive of the Year, went off during a pep rally before the team’s game against the Nets. Hey, a Canadian invented basketball. I guess a Toronto Raptors employee should be able to say f**k another team.

-Dewan Gibson

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Republican Tries To Win Votes By Slapping An Obama Doll

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What else would you expect from a guy named Beau McCoy? Of course he’s a freedom and free speech-loving conservative republican, except when it comes to YouTube, where he disabled ratings and comments for this video. So since I couldn’t say it there, I’ll say it here: Man, you hit like a bitch!

-Dewan Gibson

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