The Bowl Cut Is The White Version Of The Jheri Curl

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Really similar. I’ve learned while living in sin with my whooty. Their bowl cut is our Jheri curl, just as their “supper” is our dinner.

-Dewan Gibson

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Injured Football Player Earns Salary By Talking Sh*t

darnell-dockett

Other than the whoopin’ Peyton put on the 49ers, which was a small act of revenge for January 28, 1990, this was the best moment from Sunday’s games. But back to the Broncos…as I eloquently tweeted last night, “The NFL needs to repossess one of the 49ers five Lombardi trophies and let Peyton have it for the rest of the year.” As for my Browns? We do not speak of them today.

-Dewan Gibson

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New Fat Joe & J. Lo Song Proves Puerto Ricans Are So 2001

fatjoe

Hey, everybody wanted to be Puerto Rican in the early 2000s. I even thought about buying a mesh shirt, gold choker chain, and clip-on rat tail to take up stickball. Those days are long gone. I blame J. Lo, after she donated all that ass to white women interest in the islanders waned.

-Dewan Gibson

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Nicely Racked Topless Activists Continue To Protest Putin

putin-protest

What if Putin’s just causing all of this global unrest so he can have topless young women follow him throughout the world?

-Dewan Gibson

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Lil’ Sisqo Dragon Has A New Song About Lips

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Sisqo may very well be singing to Raz B, but if you like traditional R&B that you can body roll to this is for you.

-Dewan Gibson

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Teenage Mutant Negro Turtle Robs Convenience Store

lacorrion

Leonardo, Michaelangelo, Raphael, Donatello, and…Lacorrion. We have to see how this story holds up, it could just be some kind of weird promotion for the new Ninja Turtles movie. Hey, they did have Juicy J do the soundtrack. From TPM:

A Louisiana teen is behind bars after police say he donned a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle mask and used a stick wrapped in plastic to rob a convenience store Thursday morning.

Lafayette police say 18-year-old Lacorrion Detron Turner is charged with first-degree robbery. Police say he was able to force his way behind the counter with the stick. He then tried — and failed — to open the register.

Police say Turner fled on foot after taking two wallets from underneath the counter.

-Dewan Gibson

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Erykah Badu Goes Undercover As Street Performer, Earns $3

Erykah-Badu.thick

I’ve seen Badu in concert and her voice is a lot better than this. She’s pretty much just screaming in people’s ears, like the struggle gospel singers on Apollo whom people don’t boo because they think God would really care. Hopefully whatever new fake deep rapper is out came along to reimburse her for her time.

-Dewan Gibson

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Michelle Obama Dances With Turnip, Officially Becomes Bored Housewife

turnip-dance

Michelle Obama would and should be an highly compensated healthcare executive, but she’s had to fall back for the past six years as her husband managed to accomplish a good amount of his policy goals despite opposition from folks who have spent most of their time in office coming up with various euphemisms for the n-word with the played out “er” ending. The result is that she’s doing what a lot of us mostly-stay-at-home-parents do, play with inanimate objects and/or the internet. Here’s to 2016 and hoping she teams up with Oprah to form the ultimate presidential ticket.

-Dewan Gibson

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Caucasian Twerk Pioneer Mandy Kay Just Can’t Stop

hi-top-twerking

Either she’s producing a lot of videos, or I’m spending too much time on the internet. Whatever the case, if this is cultural appropriation I’m fully behind it. Right behind it.

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Oregon’s First Lady Bought Weed Farm After Fake Marriage To Ethiopian Dude

You figure if a woman spells her name as Cylvia (that’s stripper for Sylvia), she’s down for some gangsta shit. Take $5,000 to marry an Ethiopian guy in need for U.S. citizenship and flip that into weed and real estate…man, they need to base a Boardwalk Empire character on the First Lady. So hot. From Politico:

Oregon’s first lady has admitted to taking part in a plan to illegally grow marijuana on a property more than a decade ago.

Gov. John Kitzhaber’s fiancée, Cylvia Hayes, acknowledged her role in the joint purchase of property in Washington state in 1997, which she and another man intended to use to grow marijuana, KOIN-TV reported on Monday evening. The purchase came four months after she was paid $5,000 to enter into an illegal marriage to an Ethiopian man to allow him to stay in the U.S., something she apologized for at a tearful press conference last week.

Hayes and another man purchased the property in November 1997 for $245,000 but stopped making payments on it in April 1998. Patrick Siemion, who sold the couple the property, said the pair “had been growing marijuana” and that it was “obvious” they had bought the property for that purpose.

-Dewan Gibson

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