Woman w/Biggest Butt In The Entire Universe Does Mating Call, Drake Magically Appears
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Dewan's Top Models, Hip-Hop
You see the size of that donk? I bet each cheek needs its own crack just to keep her regular. Anyway, I saw a girl dancing in her room like this one time and tried to walk up in the spot; the police were called within minutes. I guess women don’t like it when you let yourself in through the window, especially if you’re wearing a Freddy Krueger mask and naked from the waist down (except for a pair of Timberland hikers). Well, Drake could probably get away with that.
Dewan Gibson: The Imperfect Blog
Man With The $16 Home Faces Eviction, Won’t ‘Move On Up To The East Side’
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under News
Last summer a brotha in Texas, Kenneth Robinson, moved into a $300,000 Texas home for $16, the cost to file adverse possession paperwork. The home was a foreclosure owned by a mortgage company that went out of business. Thus the property was considered abandoned. I’d like to explain in more detail, but I don’t have a law degree. If I did it would probably from an unaccredited online university. However, the Dallas Observer noted:
But, Robinson said just by setting up camp in the living room, Texas law gives him exclusive negotiating rights with the original owner. If the owner wants him out, he would have to pay off his massive mortgage debt and the bank would have to file a complicated lawsuit. Robinson believes because of the cost, neither is likely. The law says if he stays in the house, after three years he can ask the court for the title. He told News 8 his goal is to eventually have the title of the home and be named the legal owner of the home.
Keep in mind that $300,000 goes a long way in Texas real estate; it’ll get you a house, plantation, and a couple indentured servants. Of course the neighbors had a fit and weren’t about to exercise “white flight” over a $16 transaction. They tried to get him arrested for breaking and entering; the police couldn’t do a thing. They put media pressure on Robinson, didn’t work. He just chilled in the house with friends and family, despite having no electricity or running water–neither of which are needed to play spades.
Now, Bank of America, the legal owner of the property is evicting Mr. Robinson. But whatever the result of next Monday’s court case he’s still the winner. He has a website and e-book explaining how others can use “adverse possession” to scare the sh*t out of rich people. And he’s looking for another abandoned crib in a ritzy neighborhood.
Hustle smart and hard so you can finally get your 16 acres and a mule.
Dewan Gibson: The Imperfect Blog
LeBron’s “Black History Month” Shoe: Might Recoup Money Nike Lost In Racism Lawsuit
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Sports
Nike will release the “Black History Month” edition of the LeBron 9 next Saturday. The shoe costs $170 and was made for a tenth of that with slave-esque labor. Considering black unemployment is at 16.8% I imagine most of us won’t be buying it. Well, some of us will at the expense of rent and other essentials, but I guess that shows the difference between black people and nig…oops, sorry, that’s not appropriate (in February). S*hit, don’t get mad at me, Chris Rock said that.
If you decide to buy the shoe from Nike Town make sure The Man’s not following you around. They have a history of doing that to young blacks, even super-Negros like NBA player Tyson Chandler. They paid $7.6 million to settle that case, so be sure to contact Brother Al if that happens, whether or not it actually happened.
And lastly, wouldn’t it be really disappointing if a shoe made to honor black people didn’t even make you jump higher?
Dewan Gibson: The Imperfect Blog
“America’s Best Booty” Needs Contestants
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Craigslist, Humor
This is a great opportunity that could potentially lead to an appearance on a VH-1 show that involves fighting, yelling while clapping one’s hands and obliterating the image of minority women–while being wildly entertaining (and that’s all that matters).
“We are only accepting women for consideration. Men, even if you have a little sexy ass like Prince, are not being considered. Also, cellulite and stretch marks ARE more than welcome. However, one’s crack should be fairly clean and not too hairy as the final four contestants will be asked to wear a thong.”
Whoever wrote this is an evil genius. I’m sure he’ll post pictures of the “contestants” as they arrive.
Dewan Gibson: The Imperfect Blog
Pau Gasol & Ricky Rubio Share A Tender Embrace
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Humor, Sports
I guess they’re just reenacting the closing scene from Y Tu Mamá También. Magic Johnson and Isiah Thomas used to do this each time they played against each other, till Magic couldn’t stop coughing. Well, Kobe did tell Pau to go hard in the paint. Pau must have thought he said “get hard.” Pausa?
Dewan Gibson: The Imperfect Blog
Protect Your Womb: A Million Birth Control Pills Recalled
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Relationships
Pfizer has issued a recall of more than one million birth control pills that lack enough contraception to prevent a blessing up in yo’ belly. According to a statement issued by the company: “As a result of this packaging error, the daily regimen for these oral contraceptives may be incorrect and could leave women without adequate contraception, and at risk for unintended pregnancy.” Man, I bet Planned Parenthood will make a killing off the resulting unplanned pregnancies (oops).
But if you are looking for creative and fun birth control options outside of Pfizer’s faulty pills just show your partner the above chart next time he wants to “feel the real you.” And remind him that the cost to raise a child from birth to 18 is not calculated to include luxuries like Air Jordans and baby’s first tattoo.
Anyway, I imagine there’s a class action lawsuit (or potential white collar crime) against Pfizer coming soon. Ex: “Hey Pfizer, I took your birth control pills correctly and still got pregnant. I need you to pay me the $226,920 it’ll cost to raise this damn kid. Sorry, I mean raise this precious child.”
Dewan Gibson: The Imperfect Blog
Celebrating Black History Month As A Sellout
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Short Stories
I was black before Barack (re)made it cool, but now I’m distant from my race. My main black man problem: removing wine stains from my LL Cool J soupcoolers. I live in a suburb a few miles from the U.S.-Mexico border and go weeks without seeing a single black person in my part of town. An area where the small number of racists are too busy hating on the Mexicans to worry about a couple-few black guys in the area, provided that couple-few remains a couple-few.
I live with my lady, who’s black in ass but white overall, and our six-month-old son who has yet to realize the discomfort that comes with “What are you?” The few black friends I have here operate as I do, without the constraints of being black. The phrases I heard in my hometown of Cleveland don’t apply: “Man, real ni66as don’t ____.” Fill in the blank with: go camping, fall in love with white women (smanging is OK), listen to Radiohead, travel outside a three mile radius of racial comfort, sit right next to their homeboy in the movie theater, drink a beer without grabbing it by the neck, give high fives…
But we’re still very much black, and proud. I cringe when our ignorant 10 percent equates black with “ghetto.” I hate logging on to WorldStarHipHop.com, but rubberneck at our mess when temptation proves too heavy. I watch UFC and hope the brotha knocks the white dude out…sorry. I listen to “Watch The Throne” and see it as a celebration of modern “black excellence.” I want hot sauce on everything I eat, it’s actually crusted on my computer’s keypad as I write.
But I also thought O.J. was guilty, from the start. And my in-group politics mesh more with Bill Cosby’s than Al Sharpton’s.
Still, I can have an opinion on black love without getting the side-eye, even if my version of black love includes a white woman. I can criticize and compliment us and feel my opinion is just as valid as someone who’s really “down.”
Jesse’s struggle was different than Barack’s. Baldwin’s issues might not have meshed with Malcolm’s. Dubois didn’t see eye-to-eye with Booker T Washington. What K’naan went through is probably completely foreign to other black hip-hop artists. And Rerun from “What’s Happening” probably didn’t understand the trouble Lamar from “Revenge of the Nerds” faced while becoming the greatest dancer of his generation.
But the breadth and depth of the black experience is great. Let’s appreciate the diversity within the black community. Even Herman Cain.
Dewan Gibson: The Imperfect Blog
Father Gets Fed Up With Son’s Karaoke, Shoots Him
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under News
Man, they should hire this guy as the new American Idol judge. A California man, 50-year-old William Oller Jr., was singing country karaoke when his father grew tired of the racket and told him “I’m going to shut you up,” before going to his pickup truck. (Did you think he’d drive a Prius?)
Oller Jr. locked the 70-year-old out the house, but opened the door when he believed him to be gone. Oller Sr. then barged in the house and a fight ensued. Oller Jr. forgot the golden rule that all children must follow when dealing with their parents: No matter how old you are you can never hit your parents back, your only retaliation is to put them in a state-run nursing home.
Junior was getting the best of him so Oller Sr. shot him multiple times in the arms, shoulder and chest. The police arrived and arrested Oller Sr. for attempted murder. He told the police, “He hit me so I shot the sh*t out of him!”
Oller Jr. is recovering from the assault and could very well become the 50 Cent of karaoke.
UPDATE 2/3/12: The victim was singing Kenny Chesney. Now this all makes sense.
Dewan Gibson: The Imperfect Blog
Instructional Video Sites Move To New Domain
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under News, Technology
The ad above aims to alert people that a number of nudie websites moved from .com to .xxx last month. The switch is supposed to prevent people from accidentally landing on explicit instructional video sites, though that’s what makes surfing the internet fun. People who believe everything they see in a Youtube video with eerie music believe this could lead to government control of the internet, as the feds could simply block every site that ends with .xxx. However, there’s no legislation that mandates adult sites use the new suffix, so OnionBooty, 8thStreetLatinas, and the like are here to stay.
Dewan Gibson: The Imperfect Blog
Shark Biter: Now Mitt Romney Tries To Sing At An Event
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Humor, Politics
We’ve seen President Obama croon classic Al Green. Now Mitt Romney, who’s all up on Obama’s nuts, tries to do the same at a nightclub for rich white folks over 60. And he sounds like the weak link in a barbershop quartet, the guy they keep in the group because he buys the outfits. But maybe I shouldn’t call him a biter, since President Obama copied his health plan first.
Dewan Gibson: The Imperfect Blog
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