Buy My Car And Change Your Life Forever

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I bought the Chrysler Crossfire pictured above in 2005, long before I had three kids in three years and became known as Wombshifter Gibson. Thanks to said virility and the overreaching arm of the government that does not allow me to drive the sensual two-seater with kids stuffed in the trunk, I have decided to sell it.

I wish I could say I was replacing it with a 2014 Corvette or even an old school Cadillac like my ancestors drove in Africa before they and it were stolen by The Man, but I actually drive an older hybrid with a cracked windshield, or a minivan when with the chillun, which I prefer to call a sport wagon. A damn sport wagon that holds three child seats, the stench of baby residue, and whatever weed I bum from friends and family.

But I definitely got my use out of the Crossfire. I bought it with 4,000 miles on it and added 161,000 of my own, many of which came from driving in circles after the clubs in Downtown San Diego closed. The front turn signals don’t work (headlight assembly needs replaced), haven’t in years, but that’s a good thing because the haters/oncoming traffic don’t need to know where you’re going anyway. The alarm module is also broken, but I created a new anti-theft device–if I see someone getting too close to my ride I just yell, “Don’t touch my shit, homey!” Oh yeah, the transmission was replaced last year and the car rides like Mimi did while hanging on to that shower pole.

If you’re interested in buying the car, send an offer to my email. Keep in mind that this “poor’s man Porsche” was mentioned in my not-quite-a-bestseller book, “The Imperfect Enjoyment,” and may increase in value once the masses realize its literary value. Scientists say the first person to live 200 years has already been born so there’s a chance that will happen in our lifetime. I love you.

-Dewan Gibson

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RZA Taking Tough Questions On The Breakfast Club

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RZA makes an impassioned plea to stop the illegal downloading of music. And man, he’s really pissed about Raekwon calling him a liar. Wu-tang is forever but it’s not for right now.

-Dewan Gibson

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Bucknaked Performance Artist Lays Egg With Her Snatch

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See, there’s a lot you can do with a degree in art history. The YouTube description of the “performance art” is below, which like the video, seems like a bunch of bull, especially since they block out the most interesting parts of the show.  Bravo!

Slowly the egg leaves the natal canal of the artist and smashes on the canvas, red colour flows out. The next egg contains another colour and so bit by bit, accompanied only by loud “Plops”, an abstract art work originates — archaically, uncontrollably and intuitively. At the end of this almost meditative art birth performance the stained canvas is folded up, smoothed and unfolded to a symmetrically reflected picture, astonishingly coloured and full of strong because universal symbolism.

The “PlopEgg Painting” itself releases a loose chain of thoughts — about the creation fear, the symbolic strength of the casual and the creative power of the femininity. A comparison to wild associations arises and by the intensity of the seen and experienced, one becomes clear: the art needs like so often the corporeity to be able to manifest itself.

-Dewan Gibson

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Juicy J: ‘Let’s Keep It Colt 45′

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Slick ad, even without the expected twerk action. You figure if the kids drink wretched PBR they’d be open to giving Colt 45 a try. It looks just as cool in a torn brown bag.

-Dewan Gibson

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Resourceful Teen Caught Carrying Loaded Gun In Cooch

dallas-archer

Didn’t Lil’ Kim do something like this? My bad…she actually made a “Sprite can disappear in (her) mouth,” which is great but certainly not on the level of using your snatch as a snug-fit gun case. From The Smoking Gun:

A 19-year-old Tennessee woman had a loaded handgun hidden in her vagina when she was brought into jail yesterday afternoon following a collar for driving with a suspended license, police report.

As Dallas Archer was being booked into the Kingsport jail, a female corrections officer alerted to an “unknown object” in the teenager’s crotch during a search.

The jailer and a female cop then accompanied Archer to a bathroom for further examination, a review that led to the recovery of a “North American Arms 22 LR revolver (loaded) which Ms. Dallas had concealed in her vagina,” according to a Kingsport Police Department report.

A subsequent check revealed that the five-shot mini-revolver–which is four inches in length–had been “stolen from an auto burglary in 2013.” The handgun, which police valued at $250, is owned by John Souther, a 70-year-old retired car salesman.

-Dewan Gibson

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Otherwise Honorable R. Kelly Accused Of Sex Harassment

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If you’re R. Kelly’s maid, you might get groped. Like Chris Rock said when that tiger bit off Siegfried’s head, “That tiger didn’t go crazy! That tiger went tiger!” R. Kelly went R. Kelly. Some may call that blaming the victim, I call it being incredibly naive for taking a job with the most illustrious perv in modern R&B history. From Page Six:

Page Six has exclusively learned that Kelly was accused of sexual harassment as recently as 2010 by a 36-year-old housekeeper, but he settled the case out of court for $100,000 to avoid litigation.

According to sources, the woman worked for Kelly for about a year, beginning in 2008 when the “Bump n’ Grind” singer did just that: talked dirty and groped his employee.

-Dewan Gibson

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My Newborn’s Foreskin Is A Keepsake I’ll Cherish Forever

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My third son, Larke Lawrence Wayne Gibson (the “e” in Larke is silent and very masculine), was born last Tuesday. This morning we reduced his chance of penile cancer and STDs by having his potentially embarrassing cock hoodie removed. As you can see in the picture above he was very content before the procedure (left) and somewhat surprised after the circumcision (right). Well, shocked would be a better description. Nonetheless he’ll be perfectly fine in a couple-few days.

Oh yeah, because we have great health insurance the doctor was nice enough to put Larke’s foreskin in a tiny jar for our keeping, which may be a new Obamacare provision. I plan to give it to him when he becomes a man on his tenth birthday, or sooner, if for some silly reason he decides he wants it reattached. Welcome to the world, Larke!

baby-foreskin

-Dewan Gibson

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Can’t Go Wrong With A Bikini Car Wash Rap Video

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It’s not that I wouldn’t go to a bikini car wash, it’s just that I need the ass-cheek prints to be fully removed from my windows before I hand over my cash and leave the spot.

-Dewan Gibson

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Kim Jong Un On A Tiny Bed, Posing Like A Biz-Nitch

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Dictators are so soft and cuddly these days. Keep posing like this and no one will believe you’re capable of killing your own people (Shanghaiist).

-Dewan Gibson

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Forty Minutes of RZA Talking About Pretty Much Everything

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RZA’s numerology involving 22 caught me off guard being that today’s the 21st, but the interview actually airs tomorrow. Very little that’s not discussed during this interview, it’s pretty much like reading RZA’s book, “The Tao of Wu.” RZA on the Raekwon: “We need him there. I want him there…it should take business for us to come together to do what we do.”

-Dewan Gibson

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