As I drove past my local elementary school and gawked at the pretty little children playing in such glee, I thought to myself “They have no idea how harsh life will be.” Crushed dreams, irritable bowel syndrome and foreign call centers are just a few of life’s hardships. So to prevent low self-esteem that even Oprah can’t improve ’cause she’s off the air, it’s up to you to emotionally and mentally prepare your children for what’s hopefully a short life. Here are Seven Harsh Truths Children Need to Know:
1) Your lost puppy is actually not lost. He’s been stolen and sold to Bad Newz Kennels, or eaten by coyotes.
2) Next time you’re in class look at the person to the left of you. Then look at the person to the right. One of you will be a junky, the other a convicted felon. The third person will be incredibly average in every way, yet have delusions of reality show grandeur.
3) You remember that guy on Maury who said “That baby don’t got my swag!” He (or his brother) is your father.
4) Canada, with its abundant natural resources and educated population, will dominate the next century. China will take over the United States and attempt to create a carbon copy of Canada. So you’ll be a man without a country whose idea of good music will be whatever’s playing in Paul Shaffer’s knock-off i-Pod.
5) Losing your virginity will be neither fun nor romantic. But taking someone else’s anal virginity…now you’re talking.
6) One day you’ll be hanging out with a friend and get really excited to show him a funny Youtube video. But when he watches he won’t even laugh, not even a courtesy laugh. Lesson being: Funny Youtube videos are only funny when watched alone, so one does not have the awkward pressure to laugh.
7) As your parents we love you and your siblings equally. But we definitely like your punk ass a whole lot less than your gifted sister.
Dewan Gibson: The Imperfect Blog
5 Responses to “7 Harsh Truths You & Your Children Need to Know”
Ezzy Maynes Says:
August 27th, 2011 at 12:11 am
Thanks for the laugh much needed today!
Dewan Gibson Says:
August 27th, 2011 at 12:42 am
No prob! Just trying to liven up a somewhat slow and dying Facebook.
Ezzy Maynes Says:
August 27th, 2011 at 12:44 am
August 27th, 2011 at 12:50 am
Is that your little one in the blue shirt? BTW you and “anal virginity” lol
Emmery Myers Says:
April 15th, 2012 at 4:50 pm
Haha just found this gold.