The Baby D Diet: A Guide To Staying Fit & Somewhat Likable
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under The Baby D Experience
People often ask how I maintain such a thin and sensual figure that’s durable enough to withstand the still numerous beatings I get from my father, usually for correcting him when he calls my son his son, or accidentally licking my lips while making eye contact with him as he says no man should do.
A fair amount of my healthfulness is due to genetics; I’m a descendant of Zamundan nomads who survived off scraps from the Joffer family (of “Coming to America” fame). Part of it is due to diet; I don’t eat out unless I’m in the warm confines of my favorite restaurant, Snatch. But most of all remaining healthy is a muthafuc*in’ lifestyle. Here’s my routine:
Breakfast: This is supposedly the most important meal of the day. But it’s not more important than watching the Maury Povich show without distraction. So I make this meal light and quick–two glasses of water and the meat stuck between my teeth from last night’s meal.
Lunch: I keep this meal colorful, spinach and meat usually. Or collard greens and neck bones provided my girlfriend has made some in an effort to appeal to my blackness. If available, I’ll also have two beers to get me mentally right. A box of Nerds or Mike & Ikes make a great snack.
Second Lunch: The same sh*t I had for lunch reheated and eaten after I’ve taken a smooth, two-flusher dump that leaves a question mark-shaped object in the toilet. Plus lots more water to maintain the swag of my plumbing.
Dinner: A big helping of something green with a fat ass steak, piece of fish, or sausage (no homo, no carbs either). Wine, the good sh*t my girl buys.
Midnight snack: Pork rinds and cheap wine (the bottles I buy), my nig.
2am snack: Water to prevent a hangover, pork rind residue from my fingers.
Exercise: Chin-ups but only on occasion, aimless walks at the open 24 hours Walmart, sex–quick and intense like the preview of a Denzel Washington action flick.
Mental health: I cry to myself, but only on the inside. Lots of Netflix. Marijuana smoking twice a month, as long as it’s free from friends in the “medicinal” industry. A healthy dose of dirty jokes and chats with friends. Hours spent planning to assassinate foes from high school.
Dewan Gibson: The Imperfect Blog
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