Protect Your Womb: A Million Birth Control Pills Recalled
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Relationships
Pfizer has issued a recall of more than one million birth control pills that lack enough contraception to prevent a blessing up in yo’ belly. According to a statement issued by the company: “As a result of this packaging error, the daily regimen for these oral contraceptives may be incorrect and could leave women without adequate contraception, and at risk for unintended pregnancy.” Man, I bet Planned Parenthood will make a killing off the resulting unplanned pregnancies (oops).
But if you are looking for creative and fun birth control options outside of Pfizer’s faulty pills just show your partner the above chart next time he wants to “feel the real you.” And remind him that the cost to raise a child from birth to 18 is not calculated to include luxuries like Air Jordans and baby’s first tattoo.
Anyway, I imagine there’s a class action lawsuit (or potential white collar crime) against Pfizer coming soon. Ex: “Hey Pfizer, I took your birth control pills correctly and still got pregnant. I need you to pay me the $226,920 it’ll cost to raise this damn kid. Sorry, I mean raise this precious child.”
Dewan Gibson: The Imperfect Blog
HIV Vaccine Cleared For Human Testing, Not In Time For NYE
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under News, Relationships
Can you imagine a world without HIV? No more money spent on Magnum slim-fit condoms. No need to keep rapid HIV tests in the bedside drawer. Your t-cell count would match your credit score. South Africa’s president Jacob Zuma wouldn’t have to try to prevent infection by showering after sex. Well, we might see that day in the next half decade.
The U.S. Food and Drug Administration approved human testing of an HIV vaccine created by a University of Western Ontario researcher. If it works it’ll be the most important Canadian creation since Paul Shaffer. The human testing process will last five years and involve 6,000 people. Some of the research participants will receive the vaccine, others will have to rely on prayer or wear a latex body suit. ”Come on baby, just me put the tip in…” No!
Dewan Gibson: The Imperfect Blog
Get An HIV Test While Renewing Your License
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under News, Relationships
Having barely passed a couple-few HIV tests, I’m definitely aware of how scary and inconvenient the process can be. But now thanks to the Department of Motor Vehicles in Washington D.C. you can get tested while renewing your license. In fact, for taking the test you get a $5 grocery store gift card. (Maybe use it buy condoms? Better yet use it for beer and put the grocery bag to good use.) You also get a second incentive for getting tested–$7 off your license renewal fees. Though I imagine if it comes back positive renewing your license is probably not on your bucket list. Well, at least the DMV workers wouldn’t bug you about being an organ donor.
Dewan Gibson: The Imperfect Blog
It’s Never Deleted! This Blog Might Have Nude Pics Of You
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Relationships
Some of the best advice Dad ever gave me was “Never send a cock pic.” But he also said, “If for some reason you must, make sure it’s taken from a good angle and there’s a limited amount of ashyness shown. And be sure to line-up your basement fro so you give a fair portrayal of your package.”
But some people never learn. And they end up on websites like IsAnyOneUp, which posts user-submitted nude pictures. The problem is “user” can mean the jilted ex-boyfriend who still has pictures of you preparing salt pork and black eyed peas while nude, except for a shoe that you leaned the hell out of (like the lady pictured above). Worse (or better) yet, the site also posts your Facebook profile so site viewers can contact you directly. Of course it sounds illegal, but IsAnyOneUp is in compliance with the law because the photos are owned by the users.
Just goes to show that if you give explicit pictures to some guy you’re dating or interested in dating, understand that the overwhelming majority of these pictures will be shared. And while we’ll be somewhat turned on, we’re also likely to laugh at your attempts to make a sexy face. So, unless you want his friends or the world to see you in your good underwear or bucknaked, please send with caution.
Or just say the hell with it and let them titties breathe, publicly.
Dewan Gibson: The Imperfect Blog
A Scorned Woman Is Often An Evil Woman
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Humor, Relationships
My Bible tells me that women get less pay for equal work and can’t win a presidential election because Eve disobeyed God and ate the apple. Plus she ignored Adam when he stood, thrust his pelvis to make his junk bounce and proclaimed “All the food you need is right here!” Silly women…
Since then women have tried to get revenge in a variety of ways. For example, my girlfriend in college created a fake email address and sent me pictures of a girl who was not really more attractive than her, but definitely newer, which counts just as much to a man in his early 20s. The woman claimed she met me during spring break and wanted to hang out. Of course I said yes; I even had a boner when I sent the reply. Next thing you know my girlfriend was storming at me with the emails printed out, screaming “Who is this bitch!” She finally admitted the “bitch” was in fact her. Pretty crafty! Months later I moved 3,000 miles away.
But a few scorned ex-wives in Martinez, California have taken revenge to new and more drastic heights. The heathens hired a private detective who hired a group of trollops to seduce the ex-husbands online. The women would then arrange to meet the guys in person. Once together the women would buy the men multiple drinks and suggest they drive to their friends for a party. The private detective, who secretly stood nearby to videotape the seductions, would then tip-off police that a drunk driver was on the road. Shady police would pull the men over and arrest them for driving under the influence. The ex-wives used the DUI arrest in family court to paint the father as “unfit” and therefore undeserving of custody.
Thankfully the F.B.I. got involved and the private detective will soon be in prison, where Fleece Johnson will have his way with him.
Dewan Gibson: The Imperfect Blog
Scientists Find Sex Can Literally Blow Your Mind
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Humor, Relationships
My mentor and instructional video actor, Lex The Impaler, prides himself on blowing backs out with his patented jackhammer hump. Unfortunately many guys like me are blessed with more gab than girth and unable to beat it up like DMX did to Keisha in “Belly.” Still, we try hard and that’s all that matters. But now there’s more to aspire to: Actually blowing your partner’s mind out.
Researchers have found that bomb sex can cause transient global amnesia, a condition in which people forget the previous 24 hours and have trouble forming new memories. It sort of works like Rohypnol except guys need not worry about skipping town when their partner regains her memory. The rare condition usually lasts no more than a few hours, can occur in men and women, but leaves only one person with bragging rights.
Dewan Gibson: The Imperfect Blog
Mexico Considers Having Marriage For Lease
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Humor, Relationships, Social Comm
Say what you want about Mexico, but they get a few things right. Namely Tostilocos seasoned with lead and the state-mandated cleavage requirement for female newscasters. Now they’ve struck gold again, this time in Mexico City, with pending legislation that would make marriage contracts last two years with the option to renew or dissolve at the end of the “lease” period–without the costliness and litigation associated with a formal divorce. The proposed law makes sense considering half of marriages don’t work out and another 40 percent become “I’m just with yo’ ass ’cause I ain’t nothing better to do” unions.
The powerful Catholic Church of Mexico is against the proposed law as they prefer to maintain traditional Catholic values like marriage for life and encouraging young boys to downward dog stretch before meeting with clergymen in private. However, the marriage “lease” bill will likely become law in liberal Mexico City, a city where men who drench themselves in CK One and practice Beyonce’s single ladies dance before going to the club can get married to each other.
Dewan Gibson: The Imperfect Blog
I Didn’t Have Grandchildren, So I Made My Own: Pregnant At 53
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Babies, Humor, Relationships
I wonder if powder milk comes out her titty when she breast feeds. What if the baby’s first word is “bingo?” What if she tells the baby “Cry louder, I can’t hear you!” Anyway, increasingly more women over 50 are having babies. The process is fairly simple (yet expensive). Eggs are purchased from a donor, the husband rubs one off, egg and sperm are implanted into the “mature” woman–10 months later a baby who will get his first allowance from his parents’ Social Security is born. Problem is pregnancy at a relatively advanced age is more likely to cause problems with mother and child, including pregnancy induced stroke. Plus there are the physical demands of keeping up with a wild-child as the parents lose bone mass and are forced to spend hours on the couch watching reruns of Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. Oh yeah, as you get older you’re more likely to stop getting older, which means you’re dead. And if you’re dead the children will need to be raised by their grandparents. Oh wait…
Dewan Gibson: The Imperfect Blog
Your Wife Can Sue You For Not Giving Her Sex
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Humor, Relationships
As men age we develop a slightly crooked penis and an ugly looking cock vein, usually from too much sex–with ourselves. Along with that comes a decreased interest in sex with our wives, though sexual interest in unattainable women remains high. But women, whose sexual peak develops at a later age and runs inverse to their vaginal elasticity, often want sex (sometimes even with eye contact) multiple times a week. Damn, what’s a brotha to do? Well, you best get to humping.
A French woman successfully sued her husband of 21 years (now ex-husband of two years) for not giving her enough sex. She won 10,000 euros, which if you ask the millions of real racist Americans who hate our “Kenyan dictator” and want their country back the way it was when Negroes like Obama could only aspire to be elevator operators or tap dancers, is worth about a billion U.S. dollars in these tough economic times.
No word from the judge on if giving one’s wife throat babies is considered sex, thereby excluding him from potential litigation.
Dewan Gibson: The Imperfect Blog
Fierce! The Day Someone Very Close To Me Came Out The (Designer) Closet
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Humor, Relationships
Having met each other on the first day of our ubiquitous minority pre-college summer program, Terrell and I have seen each other through the typical post-adolescent growing pains. From break-ups to near academic probation to facing alienation from the tiny African American community in Athens, Ohio, we’d grown from college buddies to confidants.
A classic sartorialist and tactful in nature, Terrell’s most telling characteristic is a verbal bluntness that hints at his inner-city upbringing. With his candor a good match for my more indirect honesty, we became fast friends. In addition to the typical guy talk of girls and more girls, we spent hours on end disputing the validity of religion; laughing at the characters you can find only in a small, isolated university town; and contemplating our potential achievement as the first from our families to graduate from college. In short, he has an open ear and an opinionated mouth.
After Terrell and I return from a five hour drive to Vegas, we come back to my place to chill. I decide to distract myself on the internet while Terrell watches television. As I struggle with the unreliable connection, Terrell comes into my room and sits down, but he says little. I think about asking him if he wants to get food, but figure that since he speaks up about everything, he’ll say something if he’s hungry. I pay him little attention as I concentrate on logging onto instant messenger.
Out of nowhere he asks, “What do you think about bisexual people?”
Awaiting his punch line I reply, “I don’t know. I guess they’re greedy.”
In a disappointed tone he answers, “I’m bisexual.”
“Shut up, man. What?”
Tears pour down his face, tracing the outline of his wide African nose. He lowers his head between his knees and I see the sweat glowing beneath his Caesar haircut.
He repeats, “I’m bisexual.”
Whether it’s shock or the false notion of betrayal, I get a sinking feeling of loss. I’ve always considered myself liberal and supportive of gay rights, but discover that the situation is different when someone so close to me comes out his impeccably neat designer closet.
Besides a couple distant relatives who are gay and a few associates who are rumored to be bisexual, my only encounters with homosexuality have been through discussions of tossed salads on prison television shows and Ned Beatty’s getting turned out on the banks of the Cahulawassee River. So of course I have stereotypes of gay males as prison bitches or sexcrazed aggressors around whom I need to lock my ass cheeks and post an “Exit only” sign near the crack.
But this is Terrell! My best friend who has just tongued down some woman in a Vegas elevator. I need to disregard my stereotypes—right now—and be there for him, as he has been there for me countless times before. From taking out a student loan and giving me half to pay for my fraternity initiation, to distracting ex-girlfriends when I wanted to stray in peace, to delivering a punch toward a would-be attacker that missed and accidentally hit the foe’s girlfriend, Terrell is one of the few people I can count on.
I ask him, “Are you sure? Were you always bisexual?”
He doesn’t answer this immediately, but instead gets to the point that’s at the front, side, corner and back of my mind. “I never thought of you in that way. I wasn’t sure if I was, but I know I am,” he says.
Relieved, I become more accepting and my ass cheeks relax.
I start to think of signs from our seven-year-long friendship. Should I have seen this coming? After all, he’s really into fashion. So much so that he doesn’t have mere clothes; his wardrobe is more like wearable art. Well yeah, but there’s nothing wrong with wanting to look GQ.
What about the two guys he smacked? Literally bitch slapped right in the face. He could have punched them, but he chose to take their manhood with his open hand.Damn, I shouldn’t be that surprised. And maybe I shouldn’t be that concerned. I gather my composure and tell him, “It doesn’t matter, man; it’s just sex.” His mood immediately brightens, but I still wonder if this is going to change who I’ve known him to be. Will I end up seeing him on television at a gay pride march wearing a rainbow-print doo-rag? Will his hip-hop dancing and grinding on women become vogueing contests with emaciated, spike-haired white guys wearing lip rings and mesh shirts? Probably not, if he’s been bisexual the entire time I’ve known him.
Wait … maybe I shouldn’t even use the terms bisexual or gay. They’re both tainted with negative connotations. If you don’t believe me, go up to a random person and ask, “Hey, I was just wondering, are you gay?” So from now on I’ll say Terrell is a sexual maverick, a term that gives him an edge that might protect him from the rampant homophobia that we all know exists.
F**k it; whatever he chooses to call himself is fine by me. What right do I have to judge?
This post is an altered excerpt from my book, The Imperfect Enjoyment. The flow’s a little messed up due to deleting parts relevant to the book but not the blog post. Anyway, watching TV reports of mens marrying mens and fish marrying fish this weekend in New York made me nostalgic for this story. If heterosexual black men like myself, who tend to be some of the most homophobic people in the country, can overcome our discriminatory beliefs everyone will have equal rights and phrases like “that’s gay” will one day mean cool. We shall see.
Dewan Gibson: The Imperfect Blog
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