Study Finds Marijuana Makes Driving Safer
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under I Was Thinking..., News
See, I knew there was a message in Harold & Kumar 2, other than the importance of having bottomless parties. A University of Colorado study showed laws legalizing marijuana resulted in a nine percent reduction in traffic deaths. The theory is: 1) Smoking marijuana reduces alcohol use. 2) Weed smokers drive slower and take less risks than other drivers. 3) Marijuana is used more in private, away from bars and restaurants (and often in my friend Will’s garage). No word on the influence of road head on traffic fatalities.
Dewan Gibson: The Imperfect Blog
Another New Surgery To Show How Much You Hate Yourself!
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under I Was Thinking..., News
I like my eyes because they’re dark like my soul and Black Jesus wanted them to be that color. Plus they match well with desert boots. But if I wanted blue eyes I could get a surgical procedure done in Los Angeles called Lumineyes. The technique involves using a laser to scorch the melanin from the top layer of the iris. It takes only minutes and weeks later the eyes turn blue, at a cost of $2,500 per eye. (If needed, you can get one eye done and put the other in layaway until tax time.) Though you’re much better off going to prison and getting your eyes tatted, as shown by the scary white people in the video below. It’s generally free, but they do accept cigarettes and ass as barter. But if you ask me, why spend the money (or bunghole)? Everyone knows that if you want to feel better about yourself all you have to do is degrade others. It ain’t rocket science!
Dewan Gibson: The Imperfect Blog
Men Are Getting Throat Cancer From Muff-Diving
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under I Was Thinking...
Some of you may find this post hard to swallow, but oral sex is responsible for a sharp increase in throat cancer among men. Though the cancer is not usually terminal it can leave you with a permanent T-Pain auto-tune voice, which sucks ’cause he’s really played out. What’s happening is men are acquiring human papilloma virus (HPV) from giving women oral sex. HPV is a common sexually transmitted disease that’s usually doesn’t even need treatment; chances are you have a strain of HPV if you’ve ever had sex. But now there’s a mutant strain, HPV-16, that’s as bad for your throat as smoking or excessive alcohol use–without the benefit of helping you to look cool. The good news is doctors now offer an HPV vaccine (Gardisil) for males, but you have to get it between ages 9-26. So if you’re outside that age range think twice when your girl asks you to lick the bald monkey. “My Neck, My Back, My P…” Nope, you ain’t gettin’ none of that.
UPDATE: Today, October 25, the Center for Disease Control recommended that boys get the HPV vaccine to prevent genital warts and some cancers.
Dewan Gibson: The Imperfect Blog
Doesn’t It Seem Every NFL Player Is Wearing Dreads?
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Humor, I Was Thinking..., Sports
To some, football is a brutal game symbolic of America’s tumultuous racial history, where fat white men command fast-twitch-muscle fiber-having Mandingo bucks to run—but then get mad if a brotha celebrates a touchdown by dancing and/or having interracial DP with lily white cheerleaders.
To others, football is an incredibly passionate and sensual sport. A virtual orgy where the fun doesn’t start until the big guy bends over and has his balloon knot molested by a tall stud who wants the ball(s) all the time.
But to most, football is the REAL American pastime—an elegant and beautiful sport that transcends politics and race, even among Americans that call a barbeque a “carne” and love to let you know that “We didn’t cross the border, holmes. The border crossed us!”
What I find interesting is the number of NFLers with dreadlocks. The trend was started by Dolphins’ cornerback Al Harris in ’97, now nearly 200 players have locks according to ESPN . Whether for style or spiritual reasons it’s refreshing to see such manly, aggressive warriors care about their hair while giving an aesthetic shout-out to the Motherland. By “care” I mean players like the Cardinals’ Larry Fitzgerald have full-on salons in their homes.
But like cornrows and baldies in the NBA and Jheri curls in baseball (and who knows what in hockey since the only black player in the NHL I’ve heard of is the guy who got a banana thrown at him), locks might have another five good years left of NFL popularity. Let’s just hope players can learn from Jerry Rice’s mistake and know when to let go. A receding hairline is one thing, a complete retraction demands immediate action.
Dewan Gibson: The Imperfect Blog
Learn To Manipulate Your Local Police Like Shaquille O’Neal
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under I Was Thinking..., Social Comm
Every great man has a great woman standing beside him. Though I suppose a great man can also have a great man standing behind him, arms wrapped tightly around his waist. But far too often there are strumpets on the side looking to stir up trouble. Such is the case with Shaquille O’Neal, whom I like to call “The Big Queef,” and his now ex-wife, Shaunie. I’m not one for gossip, but I love hilarity. So let’s just say the marriage ended with this sort of trollop fueled trouble as reported by the Miami New Times:
In a restraining order obtained in Georgia court, 23-year-old Alexis Miller (ed note: a side-chick) claimed that since they had broken up, O’Neal enjoyed calling her and breathing Darth Vader-style into the phone. When she demanded that he identify himself, he would instead mutter in his recognizable basso: “Bitch. Ho.”
The Miami New Times article goes on to detail how Shaq is being extorted by a shady computer nerd/ex-employee/convicted felon. But what’s most interesting is the description of Shaq’s relationship with various police departments. As a volunteer officer and well-known law enforcement supporter, Shaq developed strong relationships with the very people you can never beat and only hope to join: The Law, as brought to you by The Man. This allowed Shaq the leverage to operate above the law and strike back at shady ex-girlfriends and ex-employees by knowingly making false charges (including planting child porn) and sending threats. All this despite Shaq’s association with a number of figures who had crossed The Law, as brought to you by The Man–including Crips in Los Angeles.
Props to Shaq. He’s very, very cunning–though he’s not so good with prank calls. Just goes to show that one of the wisest investments one can make is money and/or time with the fundraising or volunteering arm of your local police force.
Dewan Gibson: The Imperfect Blog
How To Find Casey Anthony
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under I Was Thinking...
Prior to the killing of Osama bin Laden UCLA researchers were able to predict with a certainty of 89% that the swagless terrorist was in Abbottabad, Pakistan and NOT in a cave. How? They used the same science that’s been used to find drug lords and endangered species. The science, which I refer to as the “I’m Gonna Get You Sucka Theory of Location,” includes geographic analysis of one’s last known whereabouts, needs analysis (ex: bin Laden needed medical treatment and his cronies wanted to watch porn, so he had to be in an area with electricity), social analysis (ex: To avoid being outed bin Laden would have needed to be in a town that shared his radical views), environmental analysis (ex: bin Laden needed trees to shield himself from aircraft and drones), and a few other concepts that I’m not going to discuss because I couldn’t read the entire article while watching these tiny Japanese women get revenge for Hiroshima and Nagasaki in the World Cup.
As for Casey Anthony? Well, though I’m all for revenge, especially modest beatdowns for Craigslist scam artists and/or cursing someone’s soul in the afterlife; the law has spoken. If you see her I’d suggest doing little more than rolling your eyes and saying “Girl you know wrong for that one.” But if you were to search maybe consider: she loves nightlife; will need to be near a sympathetic friend, family member or lawyer (yes, I’m willing to bet she has at least one); finances will prevent her from going to a shielded high income area, or from leaving the country–or for that matter the Southern United States; she lacks education or job skills and will need to be in an area accessible to TV journalists in order to earn a living. S**t, I don’t know…Atlanta?
Dewan Gibson: The Imperfect Blog
Let LeBron Breathe: Are Grown Ass Men Turning into Basketball Wives?
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under I Was Thinking..., Sports
LeBron will eventually win a championship. Laugh now, cry later.We’ve mocked and dogged him, called his mother a whore and his lady a cheater. All the hate fucked up his hairline and now his summer. He let a youngin’ named Maverick guide his “decision,” left his hometown and got that ass beat by the Mavericks. Justice has been served. But you can’t continuously kick a man while he’s down. At least you can’t do so without loosing your footing and looking like a damn fool. Kicking and screaming and yelling like a VH1 reality show character. Grown ass men acting like scorned basketball wives over someone else’s failure. Wives that were never actually married or even part of this man’s life. Maybe LeBron said it best, this time sans the haughty third person:
”Because at the end of the day, all the people that was rooting on me to fail, at the end of the day they have to wake up tomorrow and have the same life that they had before they woke up today. They have the same personal problems they had today. I’m going to continue to live the way I want to live and continue to do the things that I want to do with me and my family and be happy with that.”
I’m from Cleveland and I rooted for Dallas in the Finals; I understand the anger. But when the governor of Ohio issues a resolution honoring the Dallas Mavericks it just goes to show we all have too much time on our hands and too much hate in our hearts. I get it. LeBron’s childish, gullible and arrogant. But damn, what are we?
Dewan Gibson: The Imperfect Blog
Heatwave 2011: Does the Temperature Really Increase Violence?
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under I Was Thinking...
My older brother got most of the whoopings when we were young. He was the test baby (test babies get beatings and bad haircuts at home). But I do remember getting a few. And most seemed to occur during the hot and humid Ohio summer. Mind you, not on average summer days, but hot as hell don’t even look at me wrong summer days. Which got me to thinking, does violence really increase as the temperature rises?
Thankfully people get paid to research these things. Unfortunately I’m not one of them so I’ll just give the gist of what real researchers have found. In the article Heat and Violence Dr. Craig Anderson from Iowa State University discusses two theories: 1) The heat hypothesis which states that hot temperatures increase aggressive motivation and behavior and 2) The heat effect which says people with higher body temperatures are more likely to be aggressive than those with lower body temperatures. Here’s what he found:
- Hot cities are more violent even when you account for socioeconomic factors, population size and other factors typically related to violence
- Hot summers produce a bigger increase in violence than cool summers
- There are 2.6% more murders and assaults in the summer when compared to other seasons
- Riots, domestic violence and even the number of baseball batters that are beaned increases during hot days, summers, months and even years
- Horn honking increases during hot summers, but only for drivers without air condition
- Hot summers increase crankiness, which causes people to perceive minor insults as major and react like they don’t have no goddamn sense
Crazy, huh? So if you’re in a heatwave calm your ass down. And don’t get too angry at your first child with the bad haircut.
Dewan Gibson: The Imperfect Blog
Stephen Hawking: “There’s No Heaven” (Robot Voice)
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under I Was Thinking...
Unlike ‘Pac I’m not concerned if there’s a “heaven for a G.” But I am intrigued by the afterlife in general. I’d like to think there’s a quiet, comfortable place to spend eternity–with or without virgins (nothing wrong with experienced women). But Stephen Hawking doesn’t agree. In an interview with The Guardian Hawking, in his T-Pain voice, said “I regard the brain as a computer which will stop working when its components fail. There is no heaven or afterlife for broken down computers; that is a fairy story for people afraid of the dark.”
He goes on to say, with his voice extra auto-tuned, “Science predicts that many different kinds of universe will be spontaneously created out of nothing. It is a matter of chance which we are in.”
Damn, Hawking. So this is it, no heaven or hell? You just gonna tell my great-grandma she’s wrong for having that picture of Black Jesus in her alligator wallet? I don’t know, man. He might too smart for his own good. Can I get a witness?
Dewan Gibson: The Imperfect Blog
Kidd’s Kid
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under I Was Thinking...
I’m a huge Jason Kidd fan. In fact I modeled my game after his when I played in high school. By played I mean sat the bench and accidentally shot the ball in the wrong hoop, twice. Oh well.
After watching Kidd and the Mavs beat-down the Lakers I couldn’t help but wonder how his little boy T.J. is doing. Not that I know him, but I do remember him sitting courtside years back. He was famous as a baby for his unbelievably large cranium. Kind of looked like L.L. Cool J without the ridiculous assortment of hats, “Bonk” from the old Sega Genesis game, or me until my body caught up with my head just as Mama said it would. But thankfully Kidd’s kid’s head is now normal. And he looks like a handsome and growing young boy that’s somehow become Mexican. Anyway, I’m glad to see he’s doing well.
Dewan Gibson: The Imperfect Blog
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