New iPhone Feature: Records Grandma Shooting Son-In-Law
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under News
Man, this guy’s mother-in-law is straight gangster. She put three caps in him and then tried to say he shot at her first. Luckily he recorded the incident on his iPhone. I wonder why Siri didn’t tell him to run and stop screaming like a b*tch?
Dewan Gibson: The Imperfect Blog
Black People Will Soon Be On TV, Even If It’s Not February
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under News
Two new black television networks will be on the air by December 2012, which makes me think the world really is ending. Revolt, led by P. Diddy, will be “a place where artists and their viewers come together and engage with technology and social media.” In other words, it’s like 24 hours of “106 & Park” with live tweets. Magic Johnson’s network, Aspire, will focus on programming that displays positive images of blacks, so I’m sure will see a lot of made-for-TV movies starring Morris Chestnut, assorted other cast members from “The Best Man” and ZERO asses shaking.
Note: Even though it’s Black History Month, I did not intend for this headline to rhyme.
Dewan Gibson: The Imperfect Blog
White Supremacist Joins Black Gang Member To Create Rainbow Meth Coalition
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under News
I was really glad to see a young black man smile in a picture, until I found out it was mug shot. Even worse, the young brotha’s working with white supremacists to peddle meth. From From The Smoking Gun:
In another instance of harmony in post-racial America, a white Aryan Nations member joined forces with a black gang member to distribute methamphetamine in Missouri, according to federal investigators.
The partnership between white supremacist Richard Treis, 38, and Robert “Biz” Swinney, 22, was torn asunder by an undercover Drug Enforcement Administration probe that resulted in this month’s indictment of Treis, Swinney, and five codefendants on a variety of drug distribution and conspiracy charges.
According to investigators, Swinney allegedly marshaled a network of friends, relatives, and fellow gang members in St. Louis to purchase decongestants containing pseudoephedrine from various stores. Swinney then allegedly sold the pseudoephedrine to Treis, who cooked it down into meth.
This would make a good buddy film along the lines of “Beverly Hills Cop” and “Blue Streak,” but on the wrong side of the law with toothless saggy faced meth addicts. Hollywood?
Dewan Gibson: The Imperfect Blog
CNN Creates Trendy New Race of Black People: Afropolitans
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Humor, News
Different races come in and out of style. Black people were cool in the ’70s until people got scared of us. We came back in the mid ’80s with Michael Jackson, but then he showed you can be black without physically being black and that ruined our momentum. Now, President Obama has made kind-of-black people cool.
Latinos were cool in the ’90s thanks to J-Lo and the “spicy hot Latin explosion,” which ended a decade later when Mexicans (whom ironically Puerto Ricans don’t really care for) started asking for equal rights for immigrants. Now, Latinos have decided to take sh*t over, which is cool in a black people sort of way.
Sadly, Asians have never really been considered cool in mainstream American culture. There was the Asian lady on Soul Train and Bruce Lee had a good run, but they have yet to fully overcome the “docile, let me do you calculus homework” stereotype. Jeremy Lin is working on that (along with the guy from the Black Eyed Peas and the guy from The Neptunes), but it cannot be fully achieved he beats the sh*t out of an opponent on national TV for fouling him too hard.
As for Arabs and other Middle Easterners…you ever hear someone say, “Man, I can make to go to this Islamic party this weekend! Gonna be off the chain!” Nope. Native Americans? Almost extinct. And white people? Never cool, just dominant.
Now, CNN is looking to popularize Afropolitans, “a new generation of Africans and people of African descent with a very global outlook.” In short, a n*gga with a passport. The article goes on to say:
“‘An Afropolitan is someone who has roots in Africa, raised by the world, but still has an interest in the continent and is making an impact, is feeding back into the continent and trying to better it,’” according to Nyakudya. She also believes the term can apply to non-Africans. “‘We like to think that it doesn’t matter where you were born, if you find yourself on the continent and you love the continent, that makes you an Afropolitan.’”
So you don’t even have to be black to be an Afropolitan. Now we can all be one cool, happy group!
Dewan Gibson: The Imperfect Blog
Website Helps College Women Join World’s Oldest Profession
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under News
College internships are important, even if you’re entering the field of whore-dom. SeekingArrangement.com connects sugar daddies with college girls who set that thang out for a monthly fee. The concept of the site is simple. Sugar daddies post their net worth and monthly budget for expenses associated with tricking. Sugar babies include pictures, measurements and financial expectations. The two (or three–if you got it like that) connect and everyone’s happy. Supposedly most of the “sugar babies” use the money for tuition, but that’s what strippers say too and everyone knows community college doesn’t cost but a couple hundred dollars. So how coming you’re still stripping after six years and don’t even have an associate’s degree. Hmmm…
Dewan Gibson: The Imperfect Blog
Pro Ball Player Tries To Enhance Package, Loses Job
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under News, Sports
You figure if you’re a six-foot-five black guy the size of your third leg is not a worry. Remember, there’s a reason Kobe Bryant’s called the Black Mamba. He earned that nickname in Colorado. But for former University of Memphis baller Robert Sallie, who was until recently playing pro ball in Spain, worries about the size of his johnson led to his dismissal from the team.
Sallie was allegedly taking a penis enlargement supplement that contained testosterone. A drug test revealed this and rather than face a fine from the league for violating the banned substance rule the team cut him. Sallie’s now without a team, but if he has a mean man-print I suppose that’s worth the trade-off. Nevertheless, there’s a lesson to be learned from this debacle: A good line-up of the pubes, with particular attention to exposing the shaft, beats any male enhancement supplement on the market.
Dewan Gibson: The Imperfect Blog
Naked Man Climbs Radio Tower, Demands McDonald’s
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Humor, News
Can you hear me now? This is what life in L.A. will do to you. A distraught, bucket-naked man climbed a 220-foot radio tower and stood there for four hours singing Christian hymns. He agreed to come down after LAPD’s crisis team fulfilled his request for McDonald’s hamburgers (he knew he’d have to sh*t soon). Fortunately the crazed man was unharmed; unfortunately his bare ass did not get the tan we all hoped for.
Dewan Gibson: The Imperfect Blog
New York City Hotel Workers Sign New Deal, Make Your Degree Seem Worthless
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under News
Putting up with pervs and pretending not to speak English when asked for an iron that doesn’t spill water is set to pay off handsomely for maids and other employees working in the unique and lucrative New York City hotel industry. The New York Hotel Trades Council A.F.L.-C.I.O. negotiated a deal with the Hotel Association of New York that will raise their average pay from $46,337 today to $59,823 over the next seven years, plus full health benefits with no co-pay. Hotel staff will also get personal panic buttons to use when poon hounds forget that the hotel provides tissues and nudie films for their solitary enjoyment. In addition, hotel owners are increasing their share of the pension contribution from 9 percent to 10.5 percent over the next few years.
Look at their salary and benefits. Now look at yours. Then look at your student loan debt. Smile! Man, I should have majored in bed making.
Dewan Gibson: The Imperfect Blog
Study Finds Facebook Can Lead To Depression, If You Have Lying Ass Friends
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under News
According to three new studies published in academic journals that very few people will read, Facebook can be harmful to your mental health. Most harmful are others’ status updates, which people use to portray themselves in the best light, even if their lives are full of declined credit cards and anal itching.
Researchers found that if a Facebook user has a lot of friends (one study sighted 354 has the tipping point) he is bombarded with the often positive status updates of others and compares his success to theirs. Obviously, unless you’re an incredibly accomplished instructional video star like Brian Pumper, you won’t have as many positive life events as hundreds of people combined. From MSNBC:
“‘A small number of friends means a low probability of viewing others showing off,’ Mukesh (the researcher) said. For people with lots of friends, though, the Facebook Newsfeed turns into a parade of good news about other people’s live: promotions, engagements, weddings and new babies. Even if someone knows intellectually that people use Facebook to show off, Mukesh said, all of this information can make them feel worse about their own achievements or lack thereof.”
So much for the supposed good idea of keeping positive people in your life. I’d say it’s worthwhile to add a few people who ain’t sh*t to your friends list.
Dewan Gibson: The Imperfect Blog
Man With The $16 Home Faces Eviction, Won’t ‘Move On Up To The East Side’
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under News
Last summer a brotha in Texas, Kenneth Robinson, moved into a $300,000 Texas home for $16, the cost to file adverse possession paperwork. The home was a foreclosure owned by a mortgage company that went out of business. Thus the property was considered abandoned. I’d like to explain in more detail, but I don’t have a law degree. If I did it would probably from an unaccredited online university. However, the Dallas Observer noted:
But, Robinson said just by setting up camp in the living room, Texas law gives him exclusive negotiating rights with the original owner. If the owner wants him out, he would have to pay off his massive mortgage debt and the bank would have to file a complicated lawsuit. Robinson believes because of the cost, neither is likely. The law says if he stays in the house, after three years he can ask the court for the title. He told News 8 his goal is to eventually have the title of the home and be named the legal owner of the home.
Keep in mind that $300,000 goes a long way in Texas real estate; it’ll get you a house, plantation, and a couple indentured servants. Of course the neighbors had a fit and weren’t about to exercise “white flight” over a $16 transaction. They tried to get him arrested for breaking and entering; the police couldn’t do a thing. They put media pressure on Robinson, didn’t work. He just chilled in the house with friends and family, despite having no electricity or running water–neither of which are needed to play spades.
Now, Bank of America, the legal owner of the property is evicting Mr. Robinson. But whatever the result of next Monday’s court case he’s still the winner. He has a website and e-book explaining how others can use “adverse possession” to scare the sh*t out of rich people. And he’s looking for another abandoned crib in a ritzy neighborhood.
Hustle smart and hard so you can finally get your 16 acres and a mule.
Dewan Gibson: The Imperfect Blog
Father Gets Fed Up With Son’s Karaoke, Shoots Him
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under News
Man, they should hire this guy as the new American Idol judge. A California man, 50-year-old William Oller Jr., was singing country karaoke when his father grew tired of the racket and told him “I’m going to shut you up,” before going to his pickup truck. (Did you think he’d drive a Prius?)
Oller Jr. locked the 70-year-old out the house, but opened the door when he believed him to be gone. Oller Sr. then barged in the house and a fight ensued. Oller Jr. forgot the golden rule that all children must follow when dealing with their parents: No matter how old you are you can never hit your parents back, your only retaliation is to put them in a state-run nursing home.
Junior was getting the best of him so Oller Sr. shot him multiple times in the arms, shoulder and chest. The police arrived and arrested Oller Sr. for attempted murder. He told the police, “He hit me so I shot the sh*t out of him!”
Oller Jr. is recovering from the assault and could very well become the 50 Cent of karaoke.
UPDATE 2/3/12: The victim was singing Kenny Chesney. Now this all makes sense.
Dewan Gibson: The Imperfect Blog
Instructional Video Sites Move To New Domain
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under News, Technology
The ad above aims to alert people that a number of nudie websites moved from .com to .xxx last month. The switch is supposed to prevent people from accidentally landing on explicit instructional video sites, though that’s what makes surfing the internet fun. People who believe everything they see in a Youtube video with eerie music believe this could lead to government control of the internet, as the feds could simply block every site that ends with .xxx. However, there’s no legislation that mandates adult sites use the new suffix, so OnionBooty, 8thStreetLatinas, and the like are here to stay.
Dewan Gibson: The Imperfect Blog
Return of Cornholio: Beavis & Butthead Bust Sells For $14,000
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under News
Man, that’s crazy! You could buy a new car, or plenty of “TP for Beavis’ bunghole.” How long before some freak comes along and offers to pay double for an anatomically correct Beavis and Butthead doll?
Dewan Gibson: The Imperfect Blog
iPads Are The New Blood Diamonds
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under News, Technology
Apple just got a lot less hip. The New York Times is reporting harsh conditions, large numbers of underage workers and death by explosion at various Chinese factories that manufacture iPads and other Apple products:
Two people were killed immediately, and over a dozen others hurt. As the injured were rushed into ambulances, one in particular stood out. His features had been smeared by the blast, scrubbed by heat and violence until a mat of red and black had replaced his mouth and nose. NYT; 1/26/12
I’d say this calls for a boycott, except I haven’t heard of an American technology manufacturer that isn’t shipping jobs overseas and getting filthy rich from cheap Chinese labor. Still, you won’t catch me lined up for an Apple product that does nothing different than my $200 netbook (except make me look cool as I work on a screenplay while wearing a fedora at a Starbucks in a gentrified part of town).
Dewan Gibson: The Imperfect Blog
Liam Neeson Considers Becoming A Muslim
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under News
Liam Neeson, the actor with the Batman voice who will get up in your ass if you kidnap his family, is thinking of becoming a Muslim. After filming in Turkey, Neeson told a British newspaper: “The call to prayer happens five times a day, and for the first week, it drives you crazy, and then it just gets into your spirit, and it’s the most beautiful, beautiful thing… There are 4,000 mosques in the city. Some are just stunning, and it really makes me think about becoming a Muslim.” I’m sure Brian Muhammad (below) and others are happy to hear that. Wait…are those guys selling bean pies at the corner of Crenshaw and Slauson even official?
Dewan Gibson: The Imperfect Blog
Tennessee Declares War On New York, Has Speed Guns
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under News, Politics
A Tennessee medical student lacking common sense was arrested when she tried to check her gun at New York City’s 9/11 Memorial in December. Now, like Lil’ Wayne, Plaxico “Can’t Get Right” Burress and Ja Rule she’s facing serious time under New York’s strict gun laws. Some of her fellow Tennesseans, who tend to favor states’ rights when they stop “mens from marryin’ mens” but not when it’s otherwise disadvantageous to their political beliefs, are coming to her defense.
Tennessee legislator Frank Niceley introduced a resolution that specifically reminds New Yorkers to ”drive carefully through the great state of Tennessee, paying extra attention to our speed limits.” The veiled threat to target New Yorkers with traffic tickets comes up for vote next week, provided legislators safely return from the Civil War (reenactment) battlefield.
Dewan Gibson: The Imperfect Blog
San Diego Man Gets Three DUIs In Five Days
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under News
The rule is simple: When drunk, don’t drive. Call a cab, or dial 911 to see if the police can drive you to the after-party. But some folks, like 44-year-old David Lakarnafeaux, never learn. He was arrested for suspected drunken driving three times over the past five days. The final arrest was around 6:30 a.m. Sunday after police were notified of a reckless driver in Imperial Beach, San Diego. Police arrived and learned the driver, Lakarnafeaux, had went into a bar. They ran his info and found he had been arrested on the same charges the previous Tuesday and Thursday. No word on why the bar was open at 6:30 a.m., but I’m willing to bet it’s within walking distance of a 24 hour massage parlor with a backdoor entrance and mandatory $20 tip.
Dewan Gibson: The Imperfect Blog
5-Year-Old Stabs Three People Over A Juice Box
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under News
I can kind of understand this. It’s frustratingly difficult to poke a straw through a Capri Sun. If I were attempting to do so and someone asked me a stupid question like, “Need some help?” I could see myself shanking two of my peers. And after that you’re pretty much forced to stab the adult so he doesn’t tell. Not saying that’s what happened, but…
Dewan Gibson: The Imperfect Blog
Blue Ivy: Now Available From Your Local Weed Dealer
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Hip-Hop, News
Outside of being asked to sing a rendition “Fair Eastside High” in the bathroom of your local inner-city high school, or receiving the Jermaine Jackson Award for Shiniest Mutha*ucka Alive there’s no bigger honor than having a strain of marijuana named after you. And at only one-week-old Blue Ivy Carter, daughter of Jay-Z and Beyonce, has done just that. The strain is available at select California pot dispensaries (that are quickly disappearing due to overreach of the federal government). No word on what makes the Blue Ivy strain unique, but I imagine the Carter family will soon step in to cease distribution or patent its breeding path. “I’m not a businessman I’m a business, man.”
Dewan Gibson: The Imperfect Blog
Thousands Celebrate International No Pants Day
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Humor, News
International No Pants Day was held Sunday with over 16,000 people in 27 countries participating. It’s a recently created holiday and as you see in the video celebrated by very few black people, which makes it like Kwanzaa, though I assume its creator doesn’t have a history of torturing women like Ron Karenga. There’s no point to the “holiday” outside of giving people an excuse to show man-print and cameltoe on the subway while shocking others. But the question remains, “Where are the thongs?” (No Sisqo).
Dewan Gibson: The Imperfect Blog
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