Six Signs Your Relationship is Over (Tribute to Luscious Lindsay Lohan)
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Humor
Old Lindsay Left, New Lindsay Right
Lindsay Lohan, one of my former Top 10 Hollywood chics is going through some issues right now. Her relationship with Sam (don’t you dare say Samantha) Ronson is ending and Lindsay is having a tough time accepting the loss. She’s not eating well, her titties are becoming long and skinny like a half-filled water balloons and she’s doing crazy shit like popping up at Sam’s house. I understand her pain because I did similar things during a past relationship and even wrote an entire humor book about it. A book that I offered to send to Lindsay free of charge to help her get over her pain. Since I didn’t get a response from her I thought I’d help her face reality and acknowledge that her relationship is likely dead. Once you accept the end, then you can move on. So Lindsay…I look forward to seeing that curvy frame once again when you get your spirits back up. Stay positive! Until then I present to you: Six Signs Your Relationship is Over
1) You receive impersonal gifts for holidays and birthdays. I once made the mistake of getting involved in a go-nowhere relationship around Valentine’s Day. I felt obligated to at least get her a card so I did. Well, I actually got her a thank you card. It sounds terrible, but I guess it was my way of saying thank you for your services, now let’s move on. If holidays and birthdays with your partner have become monotonous or non-existent without a stated reason…croak.
2) Have your partner’s jokes become a bit harsher over the past few months? Maybe they carry a slight sting that leaves you thinking “What the hell did she mean by that?” For example, I’ll never forget the time I asked my ex-girlfriend to ride in the back seat of my brother’s car since he was driving. She refused so I jokingly said “You’re not his girlfriend, why you need to ride up front?” She replied with a joke that’s not a joke “Yeah, but maybe he will be my boyfriend. At least he has a job!” That hurt. Especially considering I was out of work and was using penny rolls to buy a box of Little Debbie snack cakes. I know domestic violence is not the answer, Chris and Ri-ri have affirmed this, but if I could have went upside her head and gotten off with just a 30 day suspended sentence and a few hours of community service…just kidding. But remember, your partner might be trying to tell you something through little jokes that on the surface appears innocent. Something like, it’s over! By the way, I wonder if my brother hit that.
3) Cute becomes annoying. Case in point: I dated a girl who thought it was cool to eat a whole dish of flan and then spend the rest of the day farting and giggling. For the first few months I appreciated her ability to be comfortable around me. Then I felt grossed out and started checking her underwear for boo-boo stains (with all that farting I’m sure a turtlehead had to sneak out at some point). Finally, I hit a breaking point when she let one rip while sitting on my lap. If what was cute before is now driving you crazy, your relationship is dead.
4) You no longer admire your partner as he sleeps. Remember the good ol’ days? When you would watch him rest and he would look so calm and appealing. You would just lay there for an hour staring at him thinking to yourself “I am so lucky to have him in my life.” Now you wake up next to him and think “Look at this damn dummy, just sleeps all day. What was I thinking? He ain’t all that good looking anyway…big ass forehead.” Then you get out the bed and leave the house to go see your “friend” before your boyfriend wakes. The morning is a great time to think about your relationship in peace, if those thoughts are mostly negative…the relationship is over!
5) One of the temporary bonuses of a good buzz is increased libido. If your partner gives you the “too drunk to drive home” excuse after a night out, you might be in a dying relationship. For example: Its 2am and the club has just closed. Your girl has five drinks in her system and her nipples are poking out of the shirt she used to only wear when you two went out…in short she is definitely down to swak. You are at home relaxing and expecting to hook up with her after she has fun with the girls. But instead of a drunken call requesting a ride, you get a text that says “Staying at my girl’s, c u tmrw!” One thing is certain; someone else is getting the drunk dial that used to go to you. As for the claim that she is staying at her “girl’s,” her “girl” is actually a guy with three long legs who works as a body double for Mr. Marcus. Your relationship is dying. As a matter of fact her “girl” is probably killing it as you read this.
6) I have a test for you. Right now it’s late May. Go try and make plans with your boyfriend or girlfriend for July or August. If he gives you that crazy look, kind of like how he looked when you told him the baby was his, or how she looked when you told her you always love-ded her but just needed some time alone to think…your relationship is on life support. Be careful…your partner is plotting his or her escape. Watch; just give him a few months to get his money together. Once he gets those overdraft fees reversed and has enough money to get a studio apartment…it’s a wrap SON! (Originally posted on WWW.JUNJONZ.COM)
Lost the National Spelling Bee, but Has Hair Like Samson
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Fashion, Humor
Braid That Shit Up!
As a part-time teacher I’m always excited to see young people doing well and living life to the fullest. Like I always say “do what you’ll smile at 20 years down the road.” Anyway, Alex Wells from my adopted hometown of San Diego competed in the Scripps National Spelling Bee. While he didn’t win (the Asians are unstoppable) he does have the potential to star in a Pert Plus commerical. I think it’s bold for an 8th grader to go all out with his hair. I’m not sure what look he’s going for, but to me it says “Larry Bird and Fabio ain’t got shit on me.” Best of luck Alex, we need more young people to do their own thang without worry of peer pressure or criticism. Get ‘em next year!
KEEPING THE ROMANCE IN A RECESSION!
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Humor
Times are hard and people are tense. The economic excess of the past few years has turned into morning after gloom as we now face the prospect of a financial depression. Banks are going under; jobs are being lost and even the homophobic black guy that was on Grey’s Anatomy got evicted from his apartment. So how can your relationship survive or even thrive in this recessionary environment? Consider following some of the suggestions below.
1) Forget the gender roles. Some of us more traditional folks have a problem with women contributing financially, even when both partners have steady employment. Get over it! Times are tough and both partners should help out. Just be sure to remember to enjoy your free night out with class. If you are on the receiving end of a drink or dinner offer do not try to “live it up” by ordering stuff you would not purchase with your own money. In other words, pass on the shots of Patrón and get the Jose Cuervo Gold. Women should especially heed this advice when accepting free drinks. After all, THERE IS NO NEED TO ASK FOR TOP-SHELF LIQUOR WITH YOUR FRUITY ASS MIXED DRINK! No matter what you think you’re drinking, you cannot taste the difference between cheap and expensive liquor when it is mixed with 8-ounces of high fructose corn syrup.
2) Look for activities at your local university. You would be surprised at the number of plays, lectures and athletic events on college campuses that are either free or discounted to community members. For example, I took my girl to a showing of The Vagina Monologues at our local university theater that cost only $15…on Valentine’s Day! The student actors seemed professional and the environment was less pretentious than one would expect at a theater. Best of all, I had the opportunity to check out college girls while pretending to be cultured.
3) Bring the party to your place. Nothing beats going through hard times with lots of friends who are just as broke. Bypass the night clubs and fancy restaurants for a house party. Planning is simple; just break out the i-Pod sound deck, make sure everyone brings a bottle or a case and let the good times begin. You may also consider adding a theme to your party. For example, you can have a “celebrity party” where everyone dresses as a famous person they resemble, or you can always go with the dreaded “pimps and hoes party.” One warning: No matter what, avoid the “Ghetto Party” theme often hosted on college campuses in the south. For some reason ignorant folks have equated African Americans with ghetto. In fact, the two terms have become synonymous in the minds of many. I know a lot of people think our guards our down because we have a black president, but still…we don’t play that shit.
4) Think like a teenager. When you were in your early teens you probably did not have a lot of money. Yet you still found ways to have a good time with your first love. You just went to the occasional movie, made out on the side of your mom’s house, went to a few house parties and watched In Living Color together. So take it back to the old school! I’m not saying sit around and discuss old “Homey D. Clown” skits, but keep the same spirit you had as a teenager when finances were much less important. There’s nothing wrong with growing up, but if lack of money is ruining your relationship then you’re growing old. Remember, if you don’t keep your spirit young you might end up looking like NBA star Greg Oden before your time.
5) Remember that the world is not ending. If cable news is your only source of information you might think we will never recover from the current economic crisis. All we see is 24 hours of overkill about mass shootings and bleak economic prospects. But ask yourself, do you have food? Do you have a roof over you head? Do you still have family and friends? Do you still use two-ply tissue? If you can answer yes to two of those four questions then you are better off than two-thirds of the rest of the world. Try to keep that same attitude the moment you feel a financial fight brewing with your partner. If you’re both struggling, why argue? Relax and do the nasty—it’s free! With that being said do the nasty safely. Poverty fuels population growth and children are an ever-increasing debt that can leave you in an 18 year recession. The bottom line is that history has shown that things always improve over time, just be patient.
President Obama: Running S**T as a College Freshman
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Arts
Al Jarreau!
These are pics of President Obama as a college freshman at Occidental College. The student photographer met him at a bar after noticing him with two hot girls sitting on his lab. A photo shoot was arranged and here you have it. He looks a little like Maxwell/Al Jarraeu, but still cool as ever. This photo exhibit is now showing in the LA area. You can read more at: Obama Photo Exhibit
Fro is a little flat, but its cool
This could be an album cover!
Shameless Self-Promotion Part 69: Book Reviews
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Arts
Bloggers are notoriously vain, given that we think the billion odd people on the net actually care what we think. Well if you don’t promote yourself who else will? So in the spirit of P. Diddy and Perez Hilton I present to you three recent reviews of my book, which for the 109,333 time is called “The Imperfect Enjoyment.” Click on the links for more info, with yo’ sexy ass.
Pretty Ricky What They Call Them…
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Player Hall of F(sh)ame
I’m all for freedom of expression, but after watching this video I now believe a license should be required to operate dangerous machinery such as a video camera. I guarantee after watching this video you will laugh, cry or be slightly disturbed. We expect this type of shit from Prince and a few other genderless stars, but Sexy Spec from Hip-Hip/R&B group Pretty Ricky just took the whole dance in bikini draws thing somewhere else. Here he is introducing their new single “Tipsy.” Sorry, but I had to put him in the Player Hall of F(sh)ame for this one. UPDATE: I CAN’T NOT BELIEVED HIS SEXY ASS REMOVED THE VIDEO FROM YOUTUBE LOL…I DO HAVE PART 2 POSTED
And since mad people are looking at this particular post I thought I’d include info about my (somewhat) new humor book entitled “The Imperfect Enjoyment.” The synopsis is below and you can order from Amazon.com. Also, check out the book excerpts at www.imperfectenjoyment.com If you think this video is funny, I guarantee at least a little tinkle of urine in your draws after reading my shit. It’s only $10 and if you’re broke like I am download it on your i-Phone for $6. NOTE TO ALL MY COLORED PEOPLE: THE BOOK IS NOT AVAILABLE UNDER ANY LAYAWAY PLAN WHATSOEVER
SYNOPSIS: When college instructor Dewan Gibson leaves the Midwest for California, he expects to find a world of breast implants, beer and beaches. Instead he enters a secret and ill-fated romance with a Middle Eastern undergraduate. In this vivid and humorous memoir, Gibson describes his attempts to overcome his forbidden love affair by jumping into an office fling gone wrong (Tijuana Mornings), traveling across the world to Denmark in hopes of meeting “Ms. Booty Mama” (Arhus Ain’t for Lovers) and musing over the interracial relationships between his African-American uncles and “rural white women that wore 1980′s big bangs and resembled Guns N’ Roses groupies” (Too Much Tupac). Toeing the line between stable adulthood and post-college debauchery, Gibson presents a comically honest look at the frailty of modern relationships. Poignant, witty and at times downright hilarious–The Imperfect Enjoyment is a story of toxic relationships and the search for a second chance at love that enlightens and amuses as very few books do.
Tags: Pretty Ricky
Become an Honorary Black Person on Ebay!
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Humor
Did you feel a bit left out at President Obama’s inauguration? Would you like to be called “brotha” or “sista” by someone unrelated to you? Have you recently wondered what the big deal is about those damn Tyler Perry movies? Well suffer in silence no longer. Now is your chance to become an honorary Black person!!! The winner of this auction will receive a signed certificate in a strong mahogany frame proclaiming him or her an honorary Black person. The winner will also receive “Gibson’s Secret Guide to Being Black,” an easy to follow 10 step guide to being “down” in no time (see excerpt below).
Gibson’s Secret Guide to Being Black.
•Remember that THE MAN is a very dangerous person. In fact, if you look over your shoulder right now he’s probably planting a bloody glove and framing you for murder.
• Be careful when supporting Affirmative Action, quotas or anything of the like. These diversity programs are also in effect in most jails and prisons.
• Criticism of President Obama is akin to someone calling your mother out her name. Please react accordingly.
• Do not celebrate Kwanzaa. This holiday is an inside joke designed to give white people the false hope that we are returning to our roots and possibly going back to Africa.
• Even though it is grammatically incorrect the term “Black” should be capitalized at all times. However, leave the term “white” lowercase just to get a little piece of revenge against THE MAN.
The certificate is signed by Dewan W. Gibson, author of The Imperfect Enjoyment and a real live successful Black man who has even dated white women! For more information log onto: Honorary Black Person on Ebay
INTERVENTION: Why the NBA Must Have a Kobe –vs– Lebron Matchup
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Humor
The NBA dream championship between the Lakers and Cavs might end up being exactly that, a big unfulfilled dream. If you’re a big b-ball fan like me you probably want to see the Kobe-Lebron matchup, by any means necessary. So since its 2:40am and I can’t sleep I’ve decided to give NBA Commissioner David Stern five reasons why he should intervene and make sure the Cavs and Lakers face each other in the 2009 NBA Finals.
1) Denver Nuggets? The phrase “Chauncey and Carmelo” sounds like the title of a gay porn. How in the hell is the NBA gonna market that?
2) I figure if Cavs guard Delonte West has to visit Los Angeles three times he can finally take care of that oral herpes. That shit is like the common cold in LA. They’ll treat that in a second. (Remember, I’m just kidding. Let’s set the record straight. That is a BIRTHMARK on his lower lip).
Okay Ladies, Just Kiss Him on the Cheek
3) Orlando Magic? Isn’t Dwight Howard just Shaquille O’Neal without the lazy eye? Anyone who wouldn’t even make the church league if they were six inches shorter shouldn’t be in the NBA Finals. Negro shoots free throws like he’s mad at the hoop!
4) Lebron James might leave the city that has the most black barbershops per capita in the United States for a larger market when he becomes a free agent next summer. After this happens he will never be the same player. Not because his skills will erode, but simply because Cleveland fans don’t play that shit. We gave him a pass for wearing that Yankees hat to the Indians game, but let his overgrown ass try to leave for another team. Once those Woodland boys get at him and then the West Side Puerto Ricans follow-up, he’s done. You will never ever have a chance to see Lebron –vs– Kobe again! (Okay if you’re not from Cleveland you have no idea what I’m talking about…)
5) If Kobe goes home early he’ll have too much time on his hands and…he might start rapping again. And based on the performance below that is a danger to us all.
GO CAVS!
Dewan W. Gibson: Author of The Imperfect Enjoyment
Mia Washington:First Woman into the Player Hall of F(sh)ame!
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Player Hall of F(sh)ame
They Have a lot to say at Show & Tell
I’m sure most of you heard that a Dallas, Texas mother recently discovered that her twin boys have two different fathers. Apparently the first man’s sperm decided to hang around her reproductive tract for a few days, at which time she had sex with another man. Soon after her ovaries got pissed off and decided to release a pair of eggs as opposed to the usually single egg. After the birth of the twins the father noticed that one baby could grow a helmet-like afro, while the other had a hairline like Jerry Rice. Confused and concerned, he asked for a paternity test and found out he was not the father of one of the boys.
The media picked up the story and since then everyone has been bagging on the mother, Mia Washington. Well I don’t agree for a couple reasons. 1) Who could have known the first guy’s sperm had enough strength and stamina to swim across the English Channel? And 2) Researchers say between 50-80 percent of men and 25-60 percent of women cheat on their partners. Chances are those who are downing Ms. Washington did the same shit she did, but were lucky enough not to get pregnant. And don’t even get all high and mighty and say “At least I used a protection when I messed around.” We all know how those first few strokes go…Yet, with that being said I could not let this ovarian abomination pass and therefore Mia Washington is the first female inductee into the Player Hall of F(sh)ame.
Player Hall of F(sh)ame: South African President Zuma
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Player Hall of F(sh)ame
That's to Y'all Who Didn't Want the World Cup in Africa
Our next inductee into the Player Hall of F(sh)ame is South African President Jacob Zuma. It is unknown how many wives he’s had, but we do know one ex-wife killed herself and made sure to note in the suicide letter that President Zuma was not to attend the funeral. He also knowingly had sex with an HIV positive woman and then said he took a shower to minimize his risk of catching the disease. Still big-ups to President Zuma for being upfront with his affairs saying “There are plenty of politicians who have mistresses and children that they hide so as to pretend they’re monogamous. I prefer to be open.” That’s some player shit. Warning: DO NOT TRY TO REPLACE CONDOMS WITH AN AFTER SEX SHOWER.
8 Rules of Interracial Relationships
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Humor
Seal and HK Renew Their Vows Trailer Park Style
1) Realize that many of your friends and family may be tolerant of interracial dating…from a distance. I once dated an Arab woman whose Aunt had black friends, loved black music and even looked black at first glance. But when she heard her niece was in love with a black man (me) it was a different story. She actually broke down in tears at the thought of my long caramel-colored arms wrapped around her niece. My only advice: Point out the contradiction and let the offended party get over his or her issue. If you are an adult there is no need to justify your choice of a partner.
2) Do not be overly sensitive to “racist” statements. Most often simple slips of the tongue (and brain) are not said with malicious intent. For example, while at a graduation celebration with a white woman and her family the mother asked me to dance. After I hesitated she had the nerve to say, “Come on! I know you people like to dance.” My initial thought was to speed dial Jesse Jackson, organize a protest with Al Sharpton and release my inner Nat Turner. Then I thought “Big deal, a lot of black people like to dance. So do many others. But you have to admit…we can get down.” Anyway, I gave her the benefit of doubt and assumed she did not think that dancing was the ONLY thing black people can do well. Still the “you people” statement was a bit bothersome. So I reached a happy medium. I chose not to dance, but also decided to not think of the mother as a racist. Everyone says stupid things. When you are in an interracial relationship you will hear more than you might expect (even from your partner). Pick and choose your battles wisely.
3) Be upfront about your partner’s race when describing him or her to others. If you are uncomfortable discussing your partner’s race, how do you think others will feel? For example, there is no reason to identify (sugarcoat) your white American boyfriend as being German, Italian or Polish to your black friends. It is okay to say he or she is white! The same if you’re dating a black person who claims to be part Native American. Don’t be fooled by a perm kit and VIP card to the tribal casino. He or she is black, you should both be proud. Get over it!
4) Unless he or she costs over 100k and can reach 60 miles per hour in three seconds, do not describe your partner as “exotic.” People who say such things are the same people who label their friends as “my Mexican friend Junior” or “my black friend LaShaunta.” If you are one of these people who believe everything revolves around race, an interracial relationship is probably not for you.
5) Regardless what he says about “his family having a tough time accepting you” absolutely refuse to be a secret to your partner’s family or friends. People tend to tell family and friends about great things that come into their lives (i.e. a new job). If you have been with your partner for anything close to a year and have yet to meet his family, chances are you are not that great to him. My advice is to break up with him. Before you do consider showing up unannounced at his next family event, just for kicks.
6) Realize you are not less “down” with your own race for dating someone of a different culture. I don’t know how many times I’ve seen young black men grow dreads and rock a dashiki after entering a relationship outside their race. Just relax! Have the wisdom to understand that those less open do not determine your level of blackness, whiteness, Latino-ness, Iraqi-ness, etc.
7) Do not dismiss your partner’s culture with that “everyone is the same” lingo. Yes, people are alike in many ways, but there are also profound cultural differences…and there is nothing wrong with acknowledging this. For example, if your partner is Muslim are you going to make him or her buttered pork shoulder for dinner? Be respectful toward and enjoy cultural differences.
8) Whatever happens, do not go on “The Maury Povich Show.” This show decimated the image of African-American relationships and is currently working on doing the same to interracial relationships. If you are unsure which sperm donor is the father of your child go through the courts or at least get a home DNA test kit. If you absolutely must go on the show please avoid crying to Jesus to help you find the father of your child, or for that matter celebrating like you won the lottery after finding out you are not the father.
-Dewan W. Gibson (originally posted on www.junjonz.com)
WTH? Spray on Liquid Latex Condoms!
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Humor
German Company Jolly Joe has created a spray on condom that releases liquid latex from a hard plastic tube. Based on the same concept that led to the creation of drive-thru car washes, the Jolly Joe sprays liqud latex from a variety of angles to completely cover a man’s tool. Whether you are packing like Mandingo or were cursed with only a thumb size nub, the Jolly Joe guarantees a perfect fit. Unfortunately the technology behind the Jolly Joe still has room to grow. Currently the latex takes 2-3 minutes to dry, much too long for those of us that specialize in 5-10 second condom to penis turnover time. But don’t give up on the Jolly Joe yet, the company plans to introduce a version that will dry in less than 10 seconds sometime next year. Would you consider using the Jolly Joe?
Calling T.I.: We Need More Black Babies
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Humor, Social Comm
That's A Virile MF
1) Remind us that in order to name our children Barack and Michelle we need to have at least two kids.
2) Start a hip-hop fertility beef. T.I. has six kids, 50 Cent only has one. Is the East Coast gonna let the South run shit like that?
3) Accept that the little boy living in your house who calls you by your first name is not your child. Go out and make a baby that’s going to call you “Dad” as opposed to “Deandre.”
4) Send an alert out to all blacks in college that reads: Warning…unless we increase our population growth rates we cannot continue to have these poetry jams every week. It is extremely important that brothas with kufis and secret white girl fetishes have an opportunity to express themselves.
5) Black church membership is dwindling. Creflo Dollar needs to pay off his private jet and Bishop Eddie Long will tell you body shirts and Bentleys don’t come cheap. Please remember these “men of the good book” need mass support from brainwashed loyal African American parishoners of limited means.
Not a Rich Pastor, but has a MEAN SHAG
African Viagra aka Vuka-Vuka:Boing!
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Humor
It’s been about ten years since we first heard about “Vuka-Vuka.” For those who were more worried about Y2K than erectile dysfunction at the time, Vuka-Vuka is a natural Viagra like supplement made from crushed Myalabris beetles that are native to Zimbabwe. It has been proven that the crushed beetles emit a toxic substance, that when ingested can cause boners like that of a 14 year old boy dry humping a blanket after watching the Kim Kardashian sex tape in slow motion. In fact like Viagra, Vuka-Vuka can even cause extended stiffys that require surgery. After the mainstream media picked up on Vuka-Vuka (which means “wake up-wake up) mass companies started selling imitations that weren’t actually made from beetle extract. After the imitators tainted the long and distinguished history of the natural supplement the hype faded. Yet, considering we are in the age of being green and natural I thought I would let readers know that real Vuka-Vuka is still available. All you have to do is take your horny ass to Zimbabwe, assasinate say what’s up to Mugabe and pick up a few of the beetles that are sold by a number of local healers and even at bars. Plane tickets from Cali to Harare, Zimbabwe are on sale for about $4,000.
Mandingo Ain't Got Nothing On Me!
Finally, Somethin’ for the Ladies
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Personal
Hey Man, Let's Take Shirtless Pics by the Pool!
Dope, Original T’s: Cameljunk.com
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Fashion
Off the Chain!
I generally make very few recommendations to friends, blog readers and so on. Outside of suggesting you buy the Shaq shoe from Payless as opposed to the Air Yeezy, I have done little by way of persuasion:) Yet, I am now strongly suggesting you pickup something from Cameljunk.com. Fellas, its summer time. Put away the blazers and the vests that you wear to the club every weekend and order a stylish T-shirt that is of high enough quality to wear downtown. No lie, my little money is where my mouth is. I odered a tee a few weeks back and it already passed the two wash test. They also have clothes for the ladies. Check out more at www.cameljunk.com
I Bought This One, Text Me If U Pick It Up:)
Sick
We Know You’re Dead, but Happy B-Day George Carlin!
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Humor
One of my favorite writers/comedians George Carlin would have had a birthday today (May 12th), but he’s dead. And based on his past work I don’t think he’d give a damn either way. Some of my favorite Carlin jokes:
1) Good news seniors! Death is near.
2) People I can do without: A dentist with blood in his hair and People who have large gums and small teeth.
3) Masturbation is not illegal, but if it were, people would probably take the law into their own hands.
Shout out to GC!
The Killers on Letterman
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Arts
“A Dustland Fairytale” is a bit of an atypical love song, but definitely one of my favorite songs of 2009. I’m a bit slow (BTW I told a friend I’d stamp out the “R word,” though I still use the “N word” on occasional), but I think the song is about Brandon Flowers’ parents meeting in a trailer park and of course dying as all of us do at some point. Well aside from those crazy kids in Twilight. Check out The Killers performing “A Dustland Fairytale” on Dave.
Come on Back Kells!
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Arts
R. Kelly has been silent for most of 2009. Unlike many people I’m still a fan of the R. Regardless of his sexual transgressions his music makes me feel up when I’m down and his lyrics provide great material for freaky text messages. Also, I shouldn’t leave out that he inspired me to do the Butterfly as a young man. Don’t forget all of you watched the sex video so in a way you’re an accessory to his “crime.” I remember back in 2002 when all the guys said “Man, that girl don’t look 14. I’d hit it!” while all the ladies said “Damn R. Kelly is packing!” So in support of R. Kelly here’s one of my favorite songs by him. Keep in mind this was made in 2000. Damn he tried to tell y’all he was a bad man!!!
Now This is Bling! Gold Plated Hair Man!
Babyface in the Boardroom
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Social Comm
A few years in the “corporate” world provided me with plenty of anecdotal evidence to suggest a relatively soft and disarming appearance tends to help black men succeed professionally. Yet, this babyface appearance tends to hurt white executives as they try to move forward in their careers. In other words black men are helped by having an appearance that combats the “hard” stereotype that many outside the race find threatening. A prime example would be President Obama, whose pleasant disposition; biracial features and leadership style were accepted by a majority of the American puiblic. However, if President Obama looked more like Sam Jackson…who knows? Speculation aside the linked article from MSNBC about “babyface” features and corporate success is very interesting, check it out: Babyface Gets You Bucks
Obviously Not Sam Jackson, but funny as hell
Chris Brown Made Me Do It: RIHANNA NUDE
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Dewan's Top Models
Crack DONT Kill Man!
Hire a Photographer!
Smack, Flip it...ok I'll shut up
- Chris Brown Made Me Do It
Don’t Date a Woman Named After a Champagne!
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Humor, Player Hall of F(sh)ame
When you hear the name Dirk many people think of Dirk Diggler, but I think of Dirk Nowitzki, the NBA superstar with the crazy high-arching jump shot (best ever from 15-20 feet out). Like many of us Dirk Nowitzki has gotten caught up with a shady woman. It was recently discovered that his fiancée Cristal Taylor has two warrants out for her arrest along with a long history of forgery, stealing and general tricking. If you ask me one should always be cautious of dating someone named “Crystal” who spells her name like the champagne “Cristal.” Anyway, Dirk is obviously hurt and it couldn’t come at a worst time considering the Mavs are playing in the second round of the playoffs. You can read more about Dirk’s fiasco by clicking this link: DIRK’S WILD WAYS
UPDATE: CRISTAL TAYLOR FOUND OUT IN JAIL THAT SHE IS PREGNANT, GOD DAMN DIRK…
Look man, homegirl made my toenails curl
Cristal Taylor: Ok she has a strong jawline, but mugshots don't do anyone justice
Dirk! I understand. A Shady Woman Almost Got Me Fired! (excerpt from The Imperfect Enjoyment: 40K PLAY)
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Short Stories
BUT SHE DOESN’T STOP THERE. Not even a week later I get an email from Human Resources asking if I’m free for a meeting that afternoon. Shit. I write back, “Sure. Can I ask what this concerns?” The HR director replies, “I just need to discuss a few issues with you.” Goddamnit. What have I done? I know I slack off every now and then, but everyone does. But what about those silly forwarded emails I’ve opened, like the one with the PowerPoint attachment entitled “Ass Galore”? Well, I didn’t really mean to open them; I just had to investigate to make sure they weren’t viruses that could destroy the company’s entire network. Shit, I was saving the tech department time and trouble.
Alright, I’ll stop lying. Maybe I did look at a few emails I shouldn’t have while at work. But what working man doesn’t have at least a few titties and a couple of asses on his hard drive? It’s not like I’m running wild and banging my co-workers. Well, I’m not anymore.
I go upstairs to meet the HR director. I try to walk in calmly, as if I don’t have a care in the world, but nervousness causesme to scratch the top of my head. I take a seat and the woman in charge greets me with a smile. This could be trouble. I’ve seen her enough times to know that she turns red when she smiles for real, and right now she’s Nordic white. She leans forward in her executive chair, preparing to throw a verbal dart. I blank out, as I often do at work, and stare at her short hairdo. It’s extremely well kept, without the use of product. She has great Afro potential. If she were black, she could be on a level reached only by Julius Erving and Angela Davis.
“So, how are things? Are things with your staff going alright?” she asks. Shit. I need to snap out of it and say something semi-intelligent. “Oh, yeah. Things are going fine. Recently I’ve been trying to develop a more focused outreach strategy for staff, so we’re targeting areas that are most likely to come to us for services.” “Well, that’s good you’re able to provide them with direction.…Well, Dewan, the reason I wanted to meet is to discuss Karina, the medical assistant at the East County clinic. Are you familiar with her?”
I think, “Hell, yeah, I’m familiar with Karina. I hit that a few times.” Instead, trying not to smile, I say, “Yeah, I know Karina.”
“Well, are you aware that she’s expecting a baby really soon?”
“Yeah, well she was definitely pregnant the last time I saw her … the last time I saw her in the office.”
“Well she has said that … apparently, you are the father of her child and are refusing to acknowledge this. She’s talked to quite a few of her co-workers and the word has gotten around. I was just wondering if everything is okay with you.”
That bitch. Not that it’s right to hit a woman, but Karina deserves at least a chop to the throat.
I try to keep my response short, sweet and not to the point. I reply, “I’m doing fine.”
“But as far as the situation with Karina …”
“I’ll be honest. Karina and I had a relationship. We just kind of knew each other from the office and it went from there.”
“Well, it’s not against our policy for employees to date, but when the relationship starts to affect the workplace, it becomes a problem—for everyone involved. So what’s this matter about a baby?”
“Well, I’m not the father of her child.” Talk about sounding like a stereotypical Negro.
“So is she just making all this up?”
“Yeah. She even told me herself that I’m not the father. Look, I don’t want to talk bad about her, but she lives with some other guy in Tijuana. She even said that he’s the father.”
“Well, then, why would she go around saying all this?”
“I guess she just feels bad because we were kind of dating. Or maybe she really did think that before. I don’t know. She’s says a whole lot of things. We don’t really talk anymore, so I can’t really say what she’s thinking.”
I’m not sure that HR is buying this. Any second I expect to get that speech where they tell you that even though you do great work, you’ll need to pack your office and be escorted out the building.
I continue, “I’m just trying to move on now. I’m seeing someone and I want that to work out. I’m not mad at Karina about anything, but I just wish she’d stop saying things that aren’t true.”
“Okay. I’ve heard about this sort of thing happening before. You have to realize that as a successful young man you’ll attract a lot of attention, sometimes from people who don’t have the best intentions. I mean, look at this place; for the most part it’s only women who work here. ”
I think, “Yep, I’m well aware of that.”
Feeling overly sorry for myself I say, “Yeah, I know. I don’t know what I was thinking.” Obviously I was thinking about that ass and those titties and the chance to lose my born-again virginity. But I don’t need to say all that.
“Well, okay. I just wanted to see what exactly was going on.
I’ll still need to let Brenda [the CEO] know. We’ll need to keep a record of this in your file.”
“Okay, well, I guess there’s not much I can do about that.”
Hallelujah—and I’m not even saved. Never mind retaliating against Karina, I just need to forget this mess before I end up broke again. I’m sure to some extremely horny or tragically lonely people sex is worth forty thousand dollars a year, but losing my job over Karina—hell to the no!
Dewan’s Top Models: Kiko
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Dewan's Top Models
Dewan’s Top Models are a select group of women with a good head or their shoulders and various other intangibles:) All photos posted are 100 percent real (no photoshopped or professional pictures allowed, pics from club photographers are cool). Send any pics to blog@imperfectenjoyment.com and I’ll follow-up with a few silly ass questions. BTW big girls are encouraged to send pics!
The first entry into Dewan’s Top Models is Kiko from San Diego:
Do you have any pet peeves when it comes to men?
Yes!! My biggest pet peeve when it comes to men is…when men disrespect the hell out of women and see nothing wrong with it, but when the table turns and it is their sister or a female close to them that is being disrespected, they want to raise hell.
What can a broke ass man do for you?
A broke ass man can’t do anything for me. I’ve dated a broke ass before and, literally, he couldn’t do anything for me. I actually spent money on him. I don’t have a problem spending money when the action is being reciprocated. However, it wasn’t- which was the biggest turn off ever!
Toes, hair, or outfit…you can only get one of the three done. Which do you choose and why?
I would choose the outfit because my toes are cute whether they are done or not, but if my feet were busted, I could always go with a closed-toe heel; heels fall under the outfit category right? Hair wouldn’t be an issue for me because I would leave it down, flowing and every now and then run my hand through it to give it some volume. So give me a cute outfit and I am set.
Who’s the hottest superstar/accused criminal, Kobe Bryant or Chris Brown?
I would have go to with Chris Brown. He beat the brakes off Rihanna, can’t say he doesn’t have passion.
Would you keep talking to a guy who wears a chopper suit to the club?
I most likely wouldn’t. I don’t usually talk to guys that I meet at the club; I work at clubs, not a good look. Chances are I am not the only one he was interested in that night and if he was wearing a chopper suit he probably had some wack ass tired line to go along with it. Not attractive.
Gay Urkel: My Big Break on “The Young Turks”
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Humor, Short Stories
I hear a tearing sound as I kneel to grab my bag. I then pat myself down and find that two inches of cheap H&M cotton have split. An equal amount of Will Smith colored flesh is now revealed. If this had happened any other day at least my boxer briefs would have shown through. But like a dumb ass I’m wearing my almost-bikini briefs. (Note: I was inspired by the boisterous female reaction to the David Beckham Armani underwear ads so I picked up an imitation pair from Marshall’s). So here I am headed to my first big television interview on “The Young Turks” to discuss my book The Imperfect Enjoyment, while looking like a reject male stripper.
I hit the highway from San Diego and arrive in Los Angeles about two hours early for my interview. With time to spare I hang out in Little Ethiopia and have lunch; lamb chunks and brown curry to be eaten East African style, without the aid of utensils.
The dish is well worth the $12. It tastes rich, even a bit sweet. However, five minutes into the meal my guts begin to get upset. I don’t feel as if I’ll immediately need to go to the bathroom, but I know if I continue to eat I’ll set myself up for a boo-boo burn. In case you’re unaware, it’s when you eat the wrong foods, do a number two and afterwards your asshole feels like its on fire. I mean it’s a real burning sensation, as if you just wiped with a cayenne pepper. Anyway, back to the story. I pack up the meal and leave.
Since “The Young Turks” is taped within walking distance of Little Ethiopia I end up roaming the streets in search of a beer to settle my stomach. Unable to find a bar open at 2pm I stop in the Sizzler. I stay for about 90 seconds, too many old people here. While seniors are cool and I like how they always appear to be chewing despite not having food in their mouths, I’m ashamed to get an afternoon buzz in front of them.
I finally end up at a Mexican restaurant surrounded by worker bees and a few tourists. With an hour to spare before the interview I grab a table and throw back three Newcastles. Despite the discouraging statement from the waitress who after the second beer says “You no get food?” I enjoy the time to get mentally prepared for my internet television debut.
I make my way to the studio slightly buzzed where I am greeted by Associate Producer Ana K, and her tits. Believe me man, her cleavage is impeccable. Between her breasts is an open space of only 6.5 centimeters. If the space was any wider it would set off my silicone alert, any narrower and it would seem she’s trying too hard. Who knows…perhaps she does fiddle with her bosom before work, placing her gifts in the perfect position, sort of like the great Aaliyah would do when she wanted her bangs to cover her left eye.
Wake up man! Ana opens the studio fridge and asks if I’d like some water. I happen to spot a few MGDs looking cold and lonely, so I say “Oh is it okay if I have a beer?” Yep I know…give a Negro an inch and he’ll take a mile. Why? Because we’re still waiting on those god damn 40 acres.
Kind as can be, Ana obliges and leads me into the waiting room. I sit here sending texts to friends and asking them to log on and watch the show. I’m then called to set (for my people in Cleveland that’s Hollywood talk) and quickly make myself comfortable in the chair. I think “make sure you speak up.’ During an earlier radio interview my voice was too quiet and soft; I ended up sounding like a white-washed Snoop Dogg.
I take a seat behind the news desk with the host Cenk Uygur. Apparently he is in the running for a hosting job at MSNBC. Confident, possessing a booming voice and skilled in rhetoric I’m sure he has a more than good chance. Besides he has what all television personalities must have to achieve stardom…a large head. I thought my cranium was huge, but god damn! His shit made mine look like Bettlejuice from the Howard Stern Show. For a second he was rocking side-to-side in his chair while trying to organize papers and I thought “Come on man watch the dome, that boulder is dangerous!”
We start the interview and it flows much like a normal conversation. But keep in mind a normal conversation with me is full of giggles, stutters and space outs.
Nearly 15 minutes later my interview IS over (you can check out the video below). I walk off the set, met a good brotha named Jayar who’s also a producer on the show and make the two mile walk back to my car.
Outside of not plugging the book enough I feel good. Definitely had fun, host was easy going and everyone laid-back and polite. A post-show happy hour would cap the afternoon off right, but of course they have to work to do.
But evidently some the viewers don’t feel the same about my interview. Weeks later, after it was posted on The Young Turks Youtube channel it received a couple thousand views…and about 40 not so kind, but still hilarious comments. One guy called me Urkel, another questioned my heterosexuality, while someone else said I had no life experiences and lacked substance.
I guess my childish features led them to believe I’m not capable of partaking in stereotypical Negro acts, namely seeking revenge for the slightest disrespect. So what did I do? I sent a select few of the haters a personal email via Youtube. Not to talk shit, but just to let them know I actually read book reviews, interview comments and miscellaneous internet bullshit. My messages varied from “I’m the sexiest Urkel ever” to “If you call getting a lot pf pussy gay, then I’m guilty” and of course I plugged my book.
The following morning I get a Youtube message back from one of the culprits. He wrote something like “No disrespect brotha. You gotta have a lot of brain power to start teaching at 22. But you still got that Urkel look.” I got to give it to him that was a pretty good joke. Now if I find a picture of him…
And get this, another one of the haters replied with a fairly long email listing six reasons why he KNOWS I’m secretly gay, including: The title of my book, because I left a smiley emoticon in the earlier email, because I have a nervous giggle and some other stuff I’d expect to hear from Ms. California. Then he proceeded to talk about how in communities of color there are a lot of down low men in churches and so on. (He must be a big Oprah fan). Finally he ended his message by saying it’s “probably not really you writing me anyway.”
My responses remain calm as we go back and forth for a couple emails. Eventually he quasi-apologizes and wishes he would have “pressed delete instead of send.” I plug my book to him and explain that if I were gay I’d be out the closet and extra fabulous. I close the message by writing “purple is my favorite color, Coldplay is my favorite band, I happen to like fashion and I even leave J in my emails…this doesn’t mean I like men.”
Educate, educate, educate. Everyone reading this please do me a favor and take the time to NOT ignore the ignorant. Well, with that said…a girl has to run. Oh my God! I need to get my toes did after yoga class and make sure I get home in time to watch “Dancing with the Stars!” And the Lady Gaga concert is this weekend!!! Chow!!!
