Internationally Known Underwear Model Featured in the JcPenney Catalog.
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Short Stories
This is the stringy taco meat I mentioned, yeah chest needs a little work.
Last week I began my quest to become an internationally known underwear model featured in the JcPenney catalog. Though it has only been seven days since I committed to this goal I have already completed four intensive workout sessions and eaten obscene amounts of colorful foods. I understand I have a long road to travel, and at times I might get distracted by hookers at rest stops, but I can see that my destiny is near. Not “see” as in literally “see,” but I can kind of visualize like that blind guy that was on American Idol.
Obviously a goal of this magnitude will take more than working out and eating healthy. In fact this process may include laser tattoo removal and a scrotum lift, in addition to networking with industry snobs. Yet, just as Jesus turned water into a gallon of Carlo Rossi I know that with faith all things are possible.
I am fully aware that I am not the best looking man. I give myself a 6.5/10. Let’s start with my positives: a bushel of soft taco meat on my chest and an ass like Prince (exit only). As for my negatives: a crooked hairline that can’t seem to recover, a skinny face that messes up an otherwise strong jawline and eyes that are extra tiny and only open if I have some ass in my face. Still I have written a book without being a particularly talented writer and managed to teach at the university level without any actual teaching experience. In short, I have a history of overachieving and doing things that are way out of my league.
I know a person or two (only 5-10 people read my blog) might say “Why the JcPenney catalog?” My reasoning is simple, yet profound. JcPenney represents classic Americana, and like the nation as a whole JcPenney’s is a bit down right now. So in my own creative way I am making a contribution to my country, albeit while wearing tight fitting (BUT VERY MASCULINE) underwear.
I assume the three people that bought my book are wondering if I’ll continue to write, despite being an internationally known underwear model featured in the JcPenney catalog. Of course I will. Writing is like an ex-girlfriend who you had a rocky relationship with, perhaps you even gave her gonorrhea and stood her up at prom because at 28 you felt too old to attend. Still, she is always there for you.
Lastly, I would appreciate your well-wishes (save your prayers for those nut-jobs protesting healthcare reform). I will be sure to post continual updates on my blog, including pictures of me bench pressing Asian women. Take care and always remember “The world would be a much better place if ignorant people learned to pull out in time.” Best wishes.
-Dewan W. Gibson
GOODBYE NO HOMO…HELLO EXIT ONLY
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Humor
"Ok you take the tall dude, I want the blonde over there"
For the past 3-4 years followers of hip-hop culture have included the phrase “no homo” in their vast vocabulary. The phrase is meant to confirm that the speaker is not making homosexual overtures to the listener. For example, “What up homey? I like how those jeans hang off your ass…no homo.” However, I’ve always had a problem with the phrase because I’m not familiar with any gay people that call themselves “homo” (and I know quite a few gays…no homo), thus making the phrase seem a bit discriminatory. So I’ve come up with a much more appropriate phrase: “exit only.” This phrase confirms that the speaker’s rectum and anus are only used to aid in pushing one’s stool out the body and do not allow foreign objects to enter, such as penises or even an index finger when inserting a laxative or removing a dingleberry. So from this point on “no homo” is officially dead. Insecure male followers of hip-hop, including those that have stolen the skinny jeans style from the gays, shall now say “exit only.”
UPDATE: MY LITTLE BROTHER, WHO SPENDS HIS DAYS STEALING HIP-HOP MUSIC ONLINE, IS NOW SAYING THE PHRASE “NO GUIDO” HAS REPLACED “NO HOMO.” FUCK THAT, EXIT ONLY IS HERE TO STAY.
The Head Detectives: Me and Neyo in Times Square
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Personal
Obviously I’m on a quarter life crisis voyage that has led me to the UK, Malaga, Amsterdam, NYC and now back to tired ass Cleveland (I say tired with the upmost respect, don’t beat my ass). Anyway, a couple of days ago I met R&B superstar Ne-yo as I walked around NYC like a human billboard in yet another instance of shameless self-promotion, or better yet shameless book promotion. Of course Ne-yo’s Superdome was covered so at first I didn’t recognize him, once I did he was more than willing to take a pic. Nice guy, seemed easy going. Shout out to Ne-yo to making life easier for those of us with large craniums.
Colonel Sanders is Pissed!
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Personal
Give it a Try Bumbaclot!
My quarter life journey crisis has continued on to the UK, specifically Liverpool, England. While walking around this working class city known as the home of The Beatles I noticed some interesting fast food choices: 1) A Special Reggae Sub from Subway and 2) Krunchy Fried Chicken with a logo almost identical to Kentucky Fried Chicken…I mean KFC. I have yet to try the reggae sub, but the Indian guy at Krunchy Fried Chicken fried the hell out my spicy wings.
