TEA Par-tay: Kickin It With the Conservatives
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Humor, Short Stories, Social Comm
Told that cat not to drink Henny!
I tend to adopt a “try anything once” attitude when bored. Past exploits have included sticking my hand in a ceiling fan and adding voiceover play-by-play to my favorite porn clips. But recently I decided to grab life by the elephant tusks and attend a Tax Enough Already (TEA) protest in Oceanside, California.
I arrived at the event and nearly chickened out minutes after parking my car. Something about integrating a sea of angry white people felt dangerous. Not to say I’d be completely comfortable around a couple thousand angry black people, but I could at least be sure the police would be there—ready and willing to use excessive force at the slightest provocation.
After a long 15 minutes I decided to step out the car, albeit with precautions. I gathered my digital camera to identify potential attackers, a mobile phone to call 911 and tied my trainers extra tight. I figured if all else failed I’d Usain Bolt away from the ruckus. After all, you never know when chants of “NO MORE TAXES!” can morph into “NO MORE NEGROS!”
I finally made it down to the amphitheater and felt relieved. Yes the crowd was all white, but they were all middle to Larry King age white people. Basically the Walker, Texas Ranger demographic.
I approached the various booths staffed by political candidates and t-shirt salespeople hoping to strike a friendly conversation with someone. The future leaders and political hacks occasionally smiled my way, but after a quick scan of my black and gasp—young Barack Obama like appearance—they quickly turned away.
In fact Christine Rubin and her staff, who is a candidate for California’s 77th Assembly District, flat-out ignored me whenever I came within five feet of them. What a shame considering that as my potential district state representative I wanted to hear her ideas. Now I will forever know her as the candidate with Social African-American Anxiety Disorder (Full Disclosure/Update: Mrs. Rubin did send an excuse and gracious apology after my rambling email criticizing the snub).
Conservative radio host Rick Roberts kicked off the event with an enthusiastic welcome. While I do not share his views, I must admit that Roberts has a great voice for radio and television voiceovers. Somebody get this man a gig on Family Guy! Now I wish I could remember more of what he actually said, but the surrounding anti-Obama posters stole my attention. Right-wing artistic creativity was on full display with effigies of President Obama that included the term “thug” or the more descriptive term of “Chicago thug.”
Outside of being offended it also struck me how “thug” has become a 21st century euphemism for “nigger” among closet racists. Have a look at any online message board that features a controversial black athlete or entertainer and you are bound to see the new “it word.” In fact, ESPN no longer allows the term on its website. Interestingly enough it is also the term that TEA Party founder Mark Williams used to describe President Obama in the video below. Sorry I forgot, he actually said “an Indonesian Muslim turned welfare thug and a racist-in-chief.”
Even the First Lady was posterized. I can handle the lampooning of Barack, but Michelle should be off limits. Her main job is to hug foreign dignitaries and make sure Barack doesn’t wear those high-waist Jessica Simpson jeans again. Leave her out of the political shenanigans.
The event continued with an appearance by Congressman Darrell Issa. Representative Issa, a pudgy shiny-haired man of Lebanese descent and just a couple shades lighter than our “socialist leader,” seemed hurried in his statements. Actually, he seemed a bit like the occasional weed smoker who accidentally stumbles into a meth party. Getting high is a thing many of us know and maybe even enjoy, but smoking your teeth out is a bit too far over the line of innocent youthful discretion.
Issa simply couldn’t match the amount of hate in the crowd. He tried to raise his voice to drive home a few points—he even threw in a joke that’s not a joke about Obama—but when it came time to put his mouth on pipe and suck, the man bitched out. And I think he knew it. Minutes after Issa left the stage I spotted him making a near sprint for the exits.
The event dragged on with a very detailed health care speech from Dr. Gary Gonsalves, founder of Stop Taxing Us. Outside of audience banter by host Rick Roberts and a rotund lady next to me who kept yelling “Stay away from my children!” in response to Obama’s plan to address the nation’s schools, the crowd’s energy seemed to drift.
California gubernatorial candidate Chelene Nightingale tried to add energy with screams about “losing our freedom,” but she was outshined by an even angrier audience member. Apparently he did not agree with Nightingale’s claim that she was the American Independent Party’s pick to run for governor and he let her know. Sounding like Apostle E.F., the heavy man with the sweaty beard shouted “That’s a lie! You were not picked by AIP!” Eventually the police took his big ass away without force.
The event was soon over without a major ruckus. While a significant portion of the attendees seemed outright racist, most of the attendees’ views seemed typical of a party out of power—conspiracy theories and unsubstantiated rants about losing their country. They never said what specific freedoms have been taken away under President Obama or put a dollar amount on their alleged higher taxes, simply because the data does not exist.
As the evening ended I even began to understand the frustration that arises when your party is not in power. I thought back to my anger with George W. Bush and remembered wishing that he had choked on a slightly larger pretzel. I even fantasized about Condeleeza Rice wearing those thigh-high boots in front of Vice President Cheney, hoping she’d disrupt his unreliable ticker and take out evil doer number two.
Yet, I never ever actually wanted them dead and I believe the overwhelming majority of conservatives feel the same way about President Obama. Well, at least until he proposes immigration reform.
-Dewan W. Gibson: Author of The Imperfect Enjoyment
Memoirs Of An Imperfect Angel: DID MARIAH “STEAL” MY BOOK TITLE?
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Arts, Books & Beer, Humor
Told ya!
Mariah Carey has a new album coming this fall entitled Memoirs Of An Imperfect Angel. I wrote a book entitled The Imperfect Enjoyment: A Bachelor’s Memoir. Also consider that Mariah Carey’s husband Nick Cannon is from San Diego. I LIVE in San Diego. Nick Cannon performed at the McDonald’s All-American High School B-Ball Game about four years ago. I WENT to the McDonald’s All-American High School B-Ball Game about four years ago. Mariah Carey has huge breasts prominently displayed on her album cover. I have huge breasts prominently displayed on my book cover. Hummmmm. Well guess it doesn’t matter I stole the title from a poem from 17th century libertine John Wilmot.
-Dewan W. Gibson: Author of The Imperfect Enjoyment
Mariah, You Will Never Work in this Town Again!
Washington DC has the FINEST WOMEN!
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Fashion, Humor
"Listen bitch my name is Luscious"
Girls of DC. Man I’m telling u, Cali girls have nothing on DC women. Where my East Coast women at! Can’t wait to go back…
Invest in Your Goatee
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Humor
There are a few thoughts that keep me awake all hours of the night: 1) Trying to understand my weird attraction to Laura Bush (she looks like Catherine Zeta-Jones right?) 2) Planning my party for 2042 when white people are no longer the majority, 3) wondering how I can maintain a perfect goatee although I can only grow one on my chest. Well I have finally have an answer to one of those questions. THE GOATEE SAVER! I saw this bullshit in Esquire Mag and couldn’t believe that some metrosensual dude would pay $20 to have a perfectly shaped goatee. You know what, I dare you to wear this with a bluetooth.
Transformers Part 3
“You Lie!” No He is Not Dumb Ass: Rep. Joe Wilson (R-SC)
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Social Comm
Punk ass Rep Joe Wilson (R-SC) who yelled “you lie!” during Pres Obama’s health care address. Turns out the Pres is being honest and illegal immigrants are not covered under the proposal. Call Rep Wilson up and let him know that he should be in Jerry Springer’s audience with that BS: 202-225-2452
Rednecks Around the County Rejoiced
Flight 187-New 50 Cent
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Arts
This is the type of 50 Cent song I’ve been waiting on…for awhile now. Flight 187 has all the components that make 50 who he is: industry commentary, hunger in his voice, a little wordplay, a few silly punchlines and eerie but soulful production. While I sheltered surburbanite like myself may have little in common with 50, I’ve always respected his drive. In fact after a disappointing Curtis album I’m cheering for him (exit only).
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-Dewan W. Gibson: Author of The Imperfect Enjoyment
