Somali Pirates Fan Club
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Social Comm
For obvious reasons I feel a sense of solidarity with my beanpole Somali brothers. Despite living in impoverished anarchy they find a way to survive. I wrote about the Somali pirate issue for another website (thatminoritything.com) and the piece generated a lot of comments/controversy. Some readers felt I was siding with “Muslim terrorists,” while others could sympathize with their struggle. Well, I’ll leave it up to you to decide.
SOMALI PIRATES FAN CLUB
I often find myself rooting for the underdog. When the arrogant New England Patriots had their undefeated season ruined I cheered for days. When the mighty Los Angeles Lakers got whooped in the 2004 NBA Finals, the text messages of sarcastic condolences I sent to Lakers fans felt almost orgasmic. Naturally my connection with the little guy is extended to the Somali pirates.
In contrast to what some recent media reports have stated the Somali pirates, despite some wearing traditional garb and beards that would make many Americans call the FBI, are not Islamic militants. According to a BBC report many of the pirates are former fishermen who had their livelihood threatened by illegal fishing after the Somali government collapsed in 1991.
As the Somali government fell the country erupted in lawlessness and various foreign owned vessels, primarily European and Asian, rushed into Somali waters, bullied the locals and took the resources. This would go on for years despite local fishermen appealing to the United Nations for support. As is the case with most problems in Africa that are not focused on by Caucasian entertainers, the international community remained idle.
Two European companies, Swiss firm Achair Partners and Italian waste management firm Progresso even had the gall to dump tons of nuclear and toxic waste into Somali waters as part of a secret deal with corrupt Somali political leader Ali Mahdi Mohamed. They were exposed by a 1997 joint investigation between Italian newspaper Famiglia Cristiana and Greenpeace, but again nothing was done.
Years later, after the 2004 tsunami caused the tide and tainted water to rise in the Gulf of Aden, the UK Times reported a number of Somali locals had been sickened with illnesses common to people exposed to radiation and toxic waste. The European companies, despite dumping the waste that caused these illnesses, were not penalized.
In addition to lack of employment opportunities and environmental discrimination, the governments and corporations that are taking financial losses should make one feel an accord with the Somali pirates.
The Chinese government (who apparently only tolerate technological piracy) sent warships to the area after they nearly lost a cargo boat. Ironically, this is the very same Chinese government that has trained fighter pilots and sold weapons to the genocide-loving Sudanese government.
Also, the oppressive government of Saudi Arabia, which paid a $3 million ransom to recover an oil tanker, has a long history of funding terrorist operations throughout the world.
Similar points can be made regarding a number of European countries that have historically raped the region and are now suffering financial calamities from pirate attacks.
But as is the case with most Robin Hood stories, all may not end well for the Somali pirates.
Recently a vacationing French family that had been warned not to sail through the troubled Somali waters was kidnapped. French troops attempted to save the family with a hostile ambush. This led to gunfire and the death of the French father who had previously blogged about the need to not let the pirates disrupt his trip across African waters. Early reports indicate he may have been a victim of friendly fire.
As we have all heard three Somali pirates were killed by U.S. Navy snipers after holding an American naval captain at gunpoint. According to the Los Angeles Times family members of the pirates and Somali elders attempted to negotiate a truce before the shooting. This deal would include the safe release of the American captain without a ransom, on condition that the Somali offenders be prosecuted at home and not detained by the Americans.
Yet President Obama, perhaps having woke up on the right side of the bed that morning and needing to “pass” his first national security test authorized the use of lethal force. In typical American style and despite the relative peaceful endings to most Somali pirate highjackings, the peace deal was dismissed with aggression that will only lead to more violence.
For the next few days many will feel good knowing that the mighty Americans save the day. Little attention will be given to conditions that birthed the Somali pirates or to the future hostages who will become victims of retaliatory violence. Like most underdogs the Somali pirates had their day in the sun. The run is over for the little guys, but I’m still cheering.
-Dewan W. Gibson: Author of The Imperfect Enjoyment
Sorry Ass Men: An (Un)Distinguished Fraternity
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Humor, Social Comm
Shit, women have it bad. After talking with depressed female friends and reading their pitiful Facebook updates (ex: I hate him so much I can’t even sleep, this man done gave me restless leg syndrome) I have reached the conclusion that female relationship pain is primarily due to a cycle of sorry ass men. So as a former (though some would say current) member of that undistinguished fraternity I’ve decided to do some good and list few things women can do to get a good—not great—man.
BE A LADY DAMMIT!
“Think like a man, act like a woman.” Bullshit. Can you think like your gay and be straight? Sounds awfully tough. Can you think like a loser and be a winner? Only if you hit the lottery. If you think like a stereotypical man (i.e. focused on pussy and new pussy) you’ll end up attracting the same sort of id-driven selfish person. You can never go wrong by being a lady. A lady—classy, smart, entrances to all body orifices off limits until the guy actually feels something for you—is a rare find today. Let all the other women sink down to our level and do typical men shit. Remain a classy lady and you’ll find a quality partner in the long run. And just like anything else being a lady starts with your thoughts that eventually turn into actions.
STOP FOCUSING ON YOUR BODY
So often women focus on exercising their bodies, but forget to exercise their minds. A big ass and/or nice titties are interesting to men for a maximum of about 18 months. Then some other woman with or without a big ass becomes more interesting. So you need to have a little substance. Put it this way: we can all agree that Halle Berry and Jennifer Lopez are both more physically attractive than Michelle Obama. And in his day President Obama might have even boned girls that looked like Halle and Jennifer. But who did he stick with? The average looking woman with a deep mind. Focus on your body too much and most often you’ll find a sorry ass man focused on the same.
CALM YO’ ASS DOWN
Women meet someone they think is nice and don’t know how to act! Despite not having a ring on her finger or even one in layaway, the woman will refer to her BOYFRIEND as “my hubby.” Even a good man gets scared of this label. Not only about the idea of marriage, but simply because it means we have to hide our skeletons further back in the closet. The idealized image of the “perfect man” is impossible to live up to so sometimes we’ll just run off or subconsciously start doing dumb shit just to say “Hey now, I’m not all that.” But a sorry ass man will play up to the “perfect man” image and even embrace it, up until you catch him with his head all up in some other woman’s ass.
What, did you expect more? This shit ain’t a science. Try the three things I mentioned and thank me later. By the way I have no training in marital therapy or anything remotely similar. However I do have an advanced degree in Communication Studies, which basically means I couldn’t get a job after college and wanted a couple-few more years to check out higher education ass. Best of luck ma.
Dewan W. Gibson: Author of The Imperfect Enjoyment
Player Hall of Shame:ESPN dude Steve Phillips
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Player Hall of F(sh)ame
see how the goatee disappears into his flesh
I knew Steve Phillips as the ESPN guy with the best goatee line-up of all time. Silver-white, without a hair out of place, his goatee easily enables him to rank among the most interesting men in the world (exit only-Dos Equis). Evidently 22 year old women also adore his goatee. To make a long story short he had an affair with a 22 year old production assistant (in the tiny pic below) who then called/wrote his wife AND rammed her car into his house after he ended the relationship. The crazy youngin’ also sent inappropriate messages to his teenage sons. Then of course his wife filed for divorce. Steve, it happens to the best of us. You still have a great job and an impeccable goatee. Maybe the wife will come around in the end. Anyway, take this induction into the Player of Shame like a man!
Dewan W. Gibson: Author of The Imperfect Enjoyment
Anyone Seen My Lizard?
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Arts
I saw this picture on a website that I read about in GQ Magazine that featuring works by undiscovered artists. But there are a few problems: 1) I couldn’t afford to purchase the print when I first saw it 2) I still can’t afford to purchase the print 3) I don’t remember the website that featured this artist 4) I don’t remember the artist’s name 5) I threw away the issue of GQ that listed the website…and (once again) 6) My broke ass still can’t afford to buy the print. Still, I wanted to give the artist a shout out on my blog for his/her creativity. I tried to search on Google, but search results for “Lizard Pussy” and “Lizard Muff” didn’t have the info I was looking for. If you can identify this artist or at least the website it was posted on please leave a message. Holla!
(UPDATE: THANKS TO THE COMMENT BELOW I HAVE FOUND THE ARTIST. HIS NAME IS NOBUYOSHI ARAKI AND HE HAPPENS TO BE ONE OF JAPAN’S MOST FAMOUS PHOTOGRAPHERS/ARTISTS. YOU CAN READ MORE ABOUT HIM AT: http://www.arakinobuyoshi.com/index.html)
Dewan W. Gibson: Author of The Imperfect Enjoyment
Ghostface Killah and The Tao of Juan
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Arts, Humor
I’ve never been one to idolize people. Adultery is something I can dig—I love that shit, but idolatry not so much. In fact, the primary reason I rarely use Twitter is that I can’t stand the concept of “follow me.” Twitter would be so much more appealing if people would just say “Let’s hang out on Twitter.” Following anyone or anything (besides God of course, or Keith Sweat for relationship advice) is far too needy.
Anyway, when I do admire someone it’s not personal. The admiration stems from something that the person does well. For example, R. Kelly. He can sing and piss with best of them. Or Wu-Tang Clan, it’s simply amazing how they were able to get nine black men to work together. But what happens when you finally meet a celebrity you admire?
I had just returned to San Diego from a meeting in Orange County when I decided to loiter at the mall, as I typically do three times a week. I was in the food court making love to some chicken teriyaki when I spot a dude (exit only) wearing a local radio station t-shirt and press tag. I asked him what was going on and he replied “Ghostface from Wu-Tang is gonna be at the shoe store for a meet and greet.”
What! Ghostface Killah. The man behind such rhymes as “You sexy muthafucka/God damn what’s the recipe/You make a nigga wanna/God damn!” was just a few stores away! I thought to myself, “Cool, I’ll go out check him out…when I finish my teriyaki.”
Let me digress for a second. Listening and venting through Ghostface and Wu-Tang’s music helped me make it through high school. With lyrics about math, science, religion and of course ass they were the first hip-hop group that made it cool to be smart. Better yet, I was able to impress the few friends I had by actually understanding some of their lyrics. In short I was a devoted Wu-Tang head—even attending their 1997 concert in Cleveland alone—as most of the cool kids spent their money on the Puff Daddy Shiny Suit and Hair Tour (BTW only four Wu-Tang members showed up for the concert).
As I waited in the meet and greet line of excited teens much too young to remember Wu-Tang’s heyday and reserved 30-somethings with children I thought “What am I doing here?” Wearing slacks, a cardigan and a skinny tie I looked like the antithesis of “real” hip-hop, especially when contrasted with Ghost’s XXXXXXXXL sweatshirt and backwards baseball cap. Besides what the hell can you do with an autograph? I can see having a drink together and shooting the shit, but a cursive name on a CD case, not that interesting…
I approached Ghost’s autograph table and he greeted me with a traditional corporate handshake, as if I just helped him reach a settlement on old residuals. Everyone in front had received the hip-hop/black man grip, but apparently as the lone square I was undeserving.
I say “What’s up” and he gives a matching reply. Then I blank out. During the entire 90 minutes in line I hadn’t thought of a question to ask, or at least props to give. Ghost gives me a suspect look, as if I’m about to snatch his baseball cap or tell him how he needs to work with RZA again. So I say “I’m a writer.” I figured Ghost could relate to the wisdom behind my stories and as a fellow roué, maybe even have an appreciation for my work.
He answers “Oh yeah, oh yeah.” He looks genuinely interested, but I remain silent. I hand him the Wizard of Poetry CD in my hand and he signs. Then I say “Thanks man. I’ll try to bring a copy of my book to your show. Cool if we get a pic?” We strikes a stone faced pose and I show my half-smile, which would have been the usual ear-to-ear smile but there was too much hip-hop machismo in the air. I then hand him a postcard flyer promoting my book (interesting how I turn his autograph session into MY self-promotion session) and feel the glare of his five man crew surrounding the table. I walk off without saying a word, but hear Ghost say “peace” as my back is turned. I turn to say thanks and damn near run away from the autograph table and out the store.
I get back to the car and think of all the shit I wanted to ask him, but lost out on. I could have learned about his writing process or upcoming projects…something more profound than “I’m a writer.” I’m so bothered by inaction that I decide not to attend the concert. Well, I guess that’s what I get for idolizing someone. Oh yeah, hang out with me on Twitter: www.twitter.com/dewangibson
(On another note the day after my brief meeting with ghost I purchased a new book by RZA entitled The TAO of WU. I would classify the book as a Wu-Tang memoir; it’s more of a work of philosophy with anecdotes of Wu-Tang experiences. I’ll put this as plainly as possible: RZA has a beautiful mind. He is able to recognize the necessary dichotomy of moral failings and righteousness. I read the book in two days and I’ll read it again in order to fully grasp RZA’s perspective on numerology, religions, fate and the arts. The TAO of WU simply a great book; I can RZA’s work influencing people in the same manner that The Autobiography of Malcolm X has done for nearly five decades. I won’t go on and on about how this book has changed my thinking, but without reservation I recommend you read it as soon as possible. Oh yeah, order The Imperfect Enjoyment along with it if you’re in a book buying mood.)
Dewan W. Gibson: Author of The Imperfect Enjoyment
Usher-Call 911! Al Green-Pass Me that Butter Youngblood
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Arts, Humor
I also prefer to cover my loins with fur
Here’s the difference between today’s R&B artists and the old school singers: Usher’s ex keys his car–he calls 911. Al Green’s ex throws hot grits on his bare ass and kills herself–he just puts on a little cocoa butter.
OK, well maybe I’m exaggerating a bit, but I like how that sounds. The hot grits actually caused Brother Al to catch the spirit and make a gospel CD. Shit, as a matter of fact the man didn’t sing secular music for another 20 years. Check him out above, guess he just finished boning some chick among the thorns and bushes. Now that’s gangsta!
Dewan W. Gibson: Author of The Imperfect Enjoyment
Four Facebook Personas
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Humor, Short Stories
Obviously I have a lot of time on my hands. I lack a real job (i.e. one that pays every two weeks) and have trouble sleeping more than five hours a night. Thus I spend a lot of time hanging out at Target and a 24-hour nightclub called Wal-Mart. The remainder of my time is spent social networking. In fact I’ve spent countless hours on Facebook, during which time something interesting has become apparent—no matter how many online “friends” one has, their Facebook personas fit under just a few categories. Here they are bro:
THE JESUS FREAK This person posts a number of Bible verses, all of which pretty much say the same thing. “Jesus is cool, hell is hot—you choose where you want to go…bitch!” Well maybe not like that, but you get my drift. But what makes the Jesus Freaks cool is that the minute a storm comes, or better yet a natural disaster the “end of days” posts come one after another. And they get pumped up about it too! “Told y’all muthafuckas to pray, Jesus is coming back! SMH *speaking in tongues*” The next day when they find Jesus has delayed his return (He had some carpentry work to finish), they post a Gucci Mane video and commence plans for sin on Saturday and service on Sunday.
THE REGULAR FREAK A person with this Facebook persona has likely been banned from the site and had to register again under an assumed name. In fact they were also banned from Myspace. Yet they still post risqué pictures and status updates that read “You ever suck a man balls off?” Then horny people like me check the page out and see pics of her with her young children of various races, including big Tyrone Niggasaki, Darius DeWayne Horowitz and little Abdul-Abdul. Then, I admit, I try to hook up with her anyway.
THE BUSINESS MAN NIGGA I AIN’T BUYING NO GOD DAMN PREPAID LEGAL SERVICES! SHIT! I realize I have no room to talk regarding this category, considering I often try to sell my book on Facebook but damn…Listen, I haven’t been in trouble, but if I were to I don’t feel completely comfortable having a lawyer from Prepaid Legal Services show up. Something makes me think that he might come to court with a Chopper Suit on and start bragging about his online law degree. And that’s some shit Johnnie Cochran wouldn’t approve of.
THE 90’s CHILD Everyone has the friend that consistently post videos of 90’s music, alongside a status update of “Remember back in 1995…” When I first caught wind of this phenomenon I just thought “Oh yeah that’s cool. You can never hear enough Jodeci.” Then it started happening all the time and began to think “Shit I’m concerned. Maybe this man ain’t had a good day since 1992.” Then I finally got upset! Turns out I spent an hour watching all this person’s 1990s videos and ended up trying to dance like Bell, Biv, Devoe at the club…alone. Yep, I was out there drunk, trying to do a three person dance routine by myself—like a damn fool.
Well I’m sure there are at least a few more Facebook personas out there. But in the interest of time (party about to start in the Wal-Mart electronics section), I should go. Feel free to comment and add something else. Most importantly, don’t get mad and try to beat my ass. I am just an internet gangster who would not dare say this to anyone’s face. Much Wal-Mart love to you. Holla.
-Dewan W. Gibson aka The Wild Gremlin: Author of The Imperfect Enjoyment
I LIKES THAT! No homo, no swag, no real talk.
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Humor, Social Comm
I am an untrained writer/lackluster speaker with little regard for the minute rules of grammar and a strong appreciation for creative slang. When young kids from hood flipped the meaning of “bad” to mean good and Michael Jackson ran with it; that was some slick shit. When the Wu-Tang Clan talked about the 49311, Power U or C.R.E.A.M…GOD DAMN!!! As for today’s current “it words”…blah, blah, blah.
One of my least favorite terms is “real talk.” Often said by young men wearing fake jewels, it gives the impression that everything else the speaker says is questionable. Besides the term “fareal,” especially when spoken by a black person with a high-pitched voice, is more than adequate to describe one’s seriousness and honesty. So let’s not rebuild the wheel—stick with “fareal.”
The next term on my hit list is “swagger,” which denotes that one has a certain “je ne sais quoi.” This term has a certain feminine quality to it, at best it is metrosexual. Come on man, a rapper named Fabolous [sic] talking about his swagger…I’ll pass—which means a lot considering I wear skinny jeans. Again, a term from long ago is much more profound. Simply put one is “fly” if he or she has an attraction that cannot be pinpointed as physical beauty or charisma. Better yet let’s refer to him or her as “The Whip.” Damn!!!
Next up, as I discussed in a previous post, is the phrase “no homo” Although it is meant to confirm that the speaker is not making homosexual overtures to the listener (for example, “What up homey? I like how those jeans hang off your ass…no homo.”), the phrase reeks of insecure masculinity. How about using a much more appropriate phrase: “exit only”? This phrase not only confirms that speaker is heterosexual, but also provides important bodily information. Confirming that the speaker’s rectum and anus are only used to aid in pushing one’s stool out the body and do not allow foreign objects to enter, such as penises or even an index finger when inserting a laxative or removing a dingleberry.
Lastly, just to show I’m not a hip-hop hater I propose a completely new slang phrase: “I LIKES THAT!” This phrase was invented by my 50-something year old father and means that one really-really like a particular something. “I LIKES THAT” is great in that with the simple addition of an ungrammatical plural “s,” it denotes that the speaker definitely likes but DOES NOT LOVE whatever he or she is speaking about. We all know rappers don’t love them hoes so the potential for this phrase is unlimited. I can hear it now being spoken by the hip-hop masses “I LIKES them hoes!” Hell yeah—real talk “I LIKES” is the next big slang phrase.
Dewan W. Gibson, Author of The Imperfect Enjoyment
Keith Sweat: My Inspiration, Long Neck-ded and All
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Arts, Humor
Neck Can Stretch From the Stage to the Fifth Row
I was always painfully shy with women, unable to even hold a simple conversation…until I was inspired by Keith Sweat. Blessed with an abnormally long neck and an unique ability to simultaneously whine and sing, Keith Sweat showed its not the size of the boat, its the length of your neck. As a fellow long-necker he showed that we can wear turtlenecks without shame and still be adored by women across the world. It is because of him that I own three sleeveless turtlenecks for the summer (chicks dig it). It is also because of him that my favorite pickup line is “You Say No/I Say Yes/Girl I Bet/I Can Make U Sweat.” Whether its making hit records, starring in chitlin circuit plays or twice impregnating Lisa Wu from Real Housewives of ATL, Keith Sweat has shown that “Nobody” can do what Keith does.
