Four Facebook Personas
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Humor, Short Stories
Obviously I have a lot of time on my hands. I lack a real job (i.e. one that pays every two weeks) and have trouble sleeping more than five hours a night. Thus I spend a lot of time hanging out at Target and a 24-hour nightclub called Wal-Mart. The remainder of my time is spent social networking. In fact I’ve spent countless hours on Facebook, during which time something interesting has become apparent—no matter how many online “friends” one has, their Facebook personas fit under just a few categories. Here they are bro:
THE JESUS FREAK This person posts a number of Bible verses, all of which pretty much say the same thing. “Jesus is cool, hell is hot—you choose where you want to go…bitch!” Well maybe not like that, but you get my drift. But what makes the Jesus Freaks cool is that the minute a storm comes, or better yet a natural disaster the “end of days” posts come one after another. And they get pumped up about it too! “Told y’all muthafuckas to pray, Jesus is coming back! SMH *speaking in tongues*” The next day when they find Jesus has delayed his return (He had some carpentry work to finish), they post a Gucci Mane video and commence plans for sin on Saturday and service on Sunday.
THE REGULAR FREAK A person with this Facebook persona has likely been banned from the site and had to register again under an assumed name. In fact they were also banned from Myspace. Yet they still post risqué pictures and status updates that read “You ever suck a man balls off?” Then horny people like me check the page out and see pics of her with her young children of various races, including big Tyrone Niggasaki, Darius DeWayne Horowitz and little Abdul-Abdul. Then, I admit, I try to hook up with her anyway.
THE BUSINESS MAN NIGGA I AIN’T BUYING NO GOD DAMN PREPAID LEGAL SERVICES! SHIT! I realize I have no room to talk regarding this category, considering I often try to sell my book on Facebook but damn…Listen, I haven’t been in trouble, but if I were to I don’t feel completely comfortable having a lawyer from Prepaid Legal Services show up. Something makes me think that he might come to court with a Chopper Suit on and start bragging about his online law degree. And that’s some shit Johnnie Cochran wouldn’t approve of.
THE 90’s CHILD Everyone has the friend that consistently post videos of 90’s music, alongside a status update of “Remember back in 1995…” When I first caught wind of this phenomenon I just thought “Oh yeah that’s cool. You can never hear enough Jodeci.” Then it started happening all the time and began to think “Shit I’m concerned. Maybe this man ain’t had a good day since 1992.” Then I finally got upset! Turns out I spent an hour watching all this person’s 1990s videos and ended up trying to dance like Bell, Biv, Devoe at the club…alone. Yep, I was out there drunk, trying to do a three person dance routine by myself—like a damn fool.
Well I’m sure there are at least a few more Facebook personas out there. But in the interest of time (party about to start in the Wal-Mart electronics section), I should go. Feel free to comment and add something else. Most importantly, don’t get mad and try to beat my ass. I am just an internet gangster who would not dare say this to anyone’s face. Much Wal-Mart love to you. Holla.
-Dewan W. Gibson aka The Wild Gremlin: Author of The Imperfect Enjoyment
2 Responses to “Four Facebook Personas”
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Allana Lake Says:
October 14th, 2009 at 3:51 amWhat? No u didn’t just called me out for PPLS lol. Come on man 15 bucks a month.
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Dewan Gibson Says:
October 14th, 2009 at 5:50 amYeah I need to get off that haterade! But don’t try to sell me and then try to get me to sell PPLS after I don’t want to buy it in the first place:) With that being said, hustle on playa.
