Your Penis Was Inside Me: Guest Blog by Mama Mia
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Humor
She is tall, yet graceful. She is down-to-earth, but uses words like “duplicative.” She is a professional career woman, yet she has time to make cock jokes! Check out my newest guest blogger, Mama Mia. Warning: If your schlong is lacking in circumference (as mine is if I don’t have a pre-intercourse viewing of assparade.com) you might feel a bit insecure after reading this post. Too bad! Here she is:
You’re probably wondering why an unknown non-writer gets space on an astute published author’s public forum. Most likely it’s because (1) no one better offered to do it and (2) I’m verbose and opinionated, obvious precursors for edgy content. I usually write my blogs the old-fashioned way—it’s called journaling. Initially, I felt blogging was a self-indulgent way to rant about inane topics. My sentiments are duplicative toward facebook updates like, So-and-So is: GETTING A BURRITO. (Do your web-friends really care?) Now that I have the guest-spot title I recognize blogging as a cathartic way to air grievances about the socially retarded and out people for their stupidity. Case in point, the girl at my gym with whom I had the following conversation:
Idiot girl: Are you a C.P.A?
Me: No, why?
Idiot girl: Because my husband works with a Mia he says is really annoying and I’m wondering if it’s you.
I walked away thinking, “I should totally blog about this.”
Another source of endless blog-worthy material is a decade-long professional dating career with titillating highlights that read like a resume.
EXPERIENCE
The Stranger (Dates: April – June) Danville, CA
Any time we see each other in public he refuses to acknowledge my presence. Ya, dude, you know me. I’m pretty sure your penis was inside of me a week ago. This type of frustrating behavior makes me feel like waving across the bar at the girl he’s now with to forewarn her about the long and skinny to come. It’s the grossest kind of penis, but even without the heads-up, she’ll probably be fine as long as she gets really drunk first.
Tuesday/Thursday Guy (Dates: Bi-weekly July – Aug) San Francisco, CA
For some reason this donkey only wants to see each other on days of week that begin with “T”. I don’t know–could he be playing with “M/W and Weekend Barbies”?
Lt. Douche (Dates: Pre-deployment month of Sept.) Pacific Beach (or Oceanside), CA
Even the delicious boyish Top-Gun looks don’t make up for the drinking problem of a marine. At least this man in uniform was consistent in his routine. He stood me up on three separate occasions. Fortunately, I was able to wear the same black dress every time.
Asperger’s Syndrome (Dates: 20 min.) San Diego, CA
Who spends an entire coffee date talking about their hang-gliding hobby? Wake me up when your story is over, please. The zenith was the date’s conclusion when he swooped in for a kiss at 10 a.m. and did I mention we were drinking coffee!? This after absolutely no indication any affection would be reciprocated. I showed more interest in getting the last bit of foam from the cup of my sugar-free vanilla latte than in him. It was a desperate stab that landed awkwardly on my ear/cheek/hair and never should have been initiated with an open-mouth.
Manila Man (Dates: One evening in Nov.) Los Angeles, CA
Remember how nicely everything fit into a manila folder, which is why your teacher always asked you to put your school work into one? This guy is the complete manila package, with absolutely no variation in coloring. I mean, everything was monochromatic including his hair, eyes and skin. The bizarre similarity to a stalk of wheat was so distracting I blame this blind-date set-up for no longer being able to enjoy Cream of Wheat.
Carol Burnett said, “Humor is tragedy plus time,” but it’s also the ability to recognize hilarious content. If nothing else, at least I have a war chest of sexual encounters of the oddest kind to showcase at cocktail parties. I was almost one-upped by a friend who once went out with a guy who brought his own booze spiked bottle of orange juice to the restaurant where they met. Something has to be wrong with these people. I refuse to believe I’m the one in need of counseling. It simply takes too long to bring them up to speed. Personally, I’d rather pay a psychic who has the hope of the future than rehash my checkered past. This medium works just as well (and is much more economical) unless, of course, you think my observations of life are about as interesting as: GETTING BURRITO.
-Mama Mia
8 Responses to “Your Penis Was Inside Me: Guest Blog by Mama Mia”
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Allana Lake Says:
December 9th, 2009 at 6:12 amShe mind telling us more about skinny dick lol? So Dewan, uhmmm…what’s the deal with u and Mama Mia? Caught up!!!
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ndygo sunshyne Says:
December 9th, 2009 at 9:07 pmABSOLUTELY LOVED THIS…& sadly related to some of it. Sadly…
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Reece B. Balling Says:
December 9th, 2009 at 10:46 pmNot the long and skinny! Dammit I’m getting an implant.
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Dewan Gibson Says:
December 10th, 2009 at 12:20 amAllana, we’re friends! Cooch payments are not required to be a guest blogger:)
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Dewan Gibson Says:
December 9th, 2009 at 9:03 pmIt’s OK Ndygo:) I’m probably night the best source of dating advice, but I’d say generally avoid men at night. Hang out at Target and Walmart (both are like 24 hour nightclubs) and your luck might change. Sounds crazy lol, but who knows.
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Ruby Says:
December 10th, 2009 at 5:55 pmI swear, this post had me rolling the whole time! I can’t tell you how much my mind has often thought some of the exact same things when it comes to some men and dating.
p.s. My favourite part is “He stood me up on three separate occasions. Fortunately, I was able to wear the same black dress every time.”, and I’m gonna make that my Facebook name!!…just saying :-p
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James Joyce III Says:
February 4th, 2010 at 7:38 pmHow about I just saw that Mia was a guest blogger. Nice post, had me rolling. I want to know more about this resume, something tells me it gets even funnier.
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Dewan Gibson Says:
February 7th, 2010 at 8:05 pmMia is off the chain huh? lol. But I don’t think she liked the title I gave her guest blog.
