Finger in Her Booty
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Humor, Short Stories
I met him in a nightclub. Yes HIM. Unlike the hyper-masculine I’m Sunday afternoon in a recliner chair comfortable with my heterosexuality. If a dude seems cool and better yet has good wingman potential we’ll hang out. Perhaps he has specialty with the seemingly unattainable women who have been pretty since birth, no ugly duckling there—women that were the shit in junior high, high school and would’ve been all that in college had they not flunked out and became internet models/party promoters. Women who are the cream of the genetic crop and know it. The type of women I rarely have the courage to approach.
And Jaron was that man. I saw him in action that night, stopping the beautiful ones with his cliché “What up gurl. Let me holla at you for a sec.” He hit, he missed, but he continued shooting. I observed with slight admiration. Until I realized he was the kind of guy who would stare a little too long while you’re out with your girl. Muscled and courageous, he might even say some stupid shit like, “Hey man is that yo sista?”
As the night came to a close we ran into two girls, including one who was a mutual friend. A single generation removed from Africa her curves lent truth to the Hottentot stereotype. I remembered playfully dry humping that ass on the corner of 5th and E Street downtown a few months earlier, which led to 2-3 budget dates and a quick flameout.
The four of us pretended to be the best of friends and I invited everyone back to my apartment. Hottentot ended up in my room where we had a quick talk, rejection and platonic nap. Jaron fucked the other girl on my couch. And then he grabbed a pot pie from my freezer and ate it without asking. The pie was probably undercooked because just 15 minutes later he took a mean shit. That was Jaron.
Jaron and I had a lot in common, but different schedules so we rarely hung out. Maybe once a month he’d call with his sex updates. They ranged from “I just fucked this Asian girl, you can come over and hit it now.” to “You got some bitches tonight?” No and no.
But his most memorable call was yet to come. I was on my way to a late night loiter at the 24 hour Walmart when he rang. He cut to the chase. In his country twang he said, “Man, I just had this freak over. She was ridin’ me and I put my finger in her booty. She like that shit man.”
“I put my finger in her booty.” I’ve always found my asshole, aka the third eye, taboo and scary. In fact my ass cheeks are clenched as I write this. But the asshole of a young lady is disgustingly intriguing.
My girl and I have been together, off and on, for a minute. And we’ve done what people who have been together for a minute generally do: In the car outside the club-check, on her parent’s couch while they’re upstairs watching TV-check, in a pitch black cave near the seals at LaJolla beach-skeet, skeet skeet! Yet, her asshole has remained unadulterated.
Mind you, we’ve “credit carded” each other frequently. For those unfamiliar it simply means using one’s hand to make a sliding motion all up in the crack of the other’s ass when she least expects it. For example, say she’s at Urban Outfitters taking too damn long to pick something from out-of-season sales rack. I’ll simply approach quietly from behind, ready my hand in a karate chop position and slide from the perineum on up. Transaction complete bitches!
We also tend to “cheek spread” each other frequently. Again for those unfamiliar, it simply means spreading one another’s ass cheeks when its least expected. I might be napping facedown in the nude and she’ll catch with me with the cheek spread. While not as thorough as the “credit card” it does produce a quick burst of cold air that awakens an otherwise sleepy asshole. Better yet, it gives the spreader an opportunity to spot (and remove) any foreign objects lurking near the spreadees asshole, such as mulatto colored tissue residue.
But I recently decided to take our ass activity a bit further. I don’t remember how I brought it up, but I probably said something romantic like “Hey, can I do you in the ass?” And despite being a virgin in the bootyhole she jokingly obliged.
We both lay on the couch naked from the waist down. Perhaps we should have been completely naked, but I kind of like playing the horny newsman role. You know, dressed from the waist up, dick just-a-swinging below.
Anyway, I spoke in a Barry White voice and said “You want this dick in yo’ ass don’t you?” Then I did a white man surfer voice “You want this freakin’ cock don’t ya? Hell yeah ya do.” In reply, she did an assortment of her best porno style moans. “Uhhhhh! Yeah Daddy!” We almost fell off the couch laughing.
I said “Ok, ok let’s be serious.” She replied “Get a condom.” I answered “What’s that?” and then went to grab a few from the bag that my sub-lessee forgot to take when he moved out in August. Then she said “I know you’re not serious Dewan, you’re not going up my ass!”
I returned to the couch and said “Ok, just let me rub it first.” I gave her a slow motion cheek spread, but she quickly locked up as my Arsenio Hall length index finger came near. I caught her off guard for a second, snuck a quick rub and brought my finger to my nose.
Wow. No smell at all. Her ass was as clean as an old school player at an all white party that ever black organization seems to host during the summer. In fact, I’d feel completely comfortable rubbing her asshole and flossing my teeth shortly thereafter. Put it like this, I’d be more than happy to pour ranch sauce around that muthafucka and dip my celery sticks in it as I watch Dr. Oz. Man, if I could ever get my balls to smell as fresh as her ass…they’d be hella-lickable, like two stickless Tootsie pops.
I overcame my clean-ass amazement and took a quick peek at her bootyhole. It looked so gentle and innocent, like a pink, premature baby not yet ready for the world’s harsh realities. I gave her a compliment, “Nice asshole!” And we couldn’t stop laughing. That was that, and her asshole remained, gentle and innocent. Guess Jaron and I really don’t have much in common.
Dewan W. Gibson: Author of The Imperfect Enjoyment
6 Responses to “Finger in Her Booty”
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Radio Rahim Says:
January 18th, 2010 at 7:54 pmMy boy sent me this blog and it was funny as hell till i saw man ass bruh. Lol niggas…
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sly stone Says:
January 18th, 2010 at 8:26 pmSo this is what its come to??? Selling ur ass on the imperfect blog??? Transaction complete bitches…lmao
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Hell Naw Nigga Says:
January 18th, 2010 at 8:39 pmI gets down on the anal man. Telling you. Once u go ass, u don’t go back. I’m talkin about women…no homo.
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Kristen Callahan Says:
January 19th, 2010 at 4:46 pmThanks for the workday laughs!!!!!!!!
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Ruby Says:
January 19th, 2010 at 5:52 pmLMAO!! Although I must admit, I was slightly disturbed by the idea of you dipping fresh cut veggies into the ranch sauce in her asshole and then eating it…. :-/
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Dewan W. Gibson Says:
January 19th, 2010 at 9:26 pmRuby! Don’t knock it til u try it…or have it tried on you:) Sly Stone, yeah times are hard. Might have to eventually expose the captain.
