The Simple Relationship Guide For People That Text and IM Dewan Gibson (aka D-Weezy aka Bruce Leroy) With Relationship Questions and Shit Like That
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Humor
People are always asking me for relationship advice. While I appreciate the honor I find myself saying the same things over and over again. So here you go: “The Simple Relationship Guide For People That Text and IM Dewan Gibson (aka D-Weezy aka Bruce Leroy) With Relationship Questions and Shit Like That.”
Tip #1: NO GAME NEEDED, JUST SAY…
If you see someone you are interested in simply say “Hello. How’s your day going?” Look at that! A five word open ended question. If the person responds with an evasive “It’s going well” ask for details. It’s actually no different than holding a regular and comfortable conversation with a friend. Let me show you. Here’s an actual conversation with a friend via a Facebook wall posting.
Rachel Kai Samonne
Whadup Bruce Leroy ;)
Dewan W. Gibson
I’m doing well. Got this leave in conditioner that has my hair glistening 12 hours a day. It makes my forehead shiny, but that’s OK as long as I remember to wipe it at 8am and 1pm. I’ll be in Cincy on 2/20 to shoot the s**t with a bookclub. If u know any book clubs in Cleveland please send the word. If they read my book I’ll come in town for a Q&A , I even bring my own liquor. Besides that I’m working on a rendition of “Fair Eastside” cus I hear BET has a fake American Idol show about to start. Oh yeah, I’m co-authoring a book w/Joe Clair from Rap City! Guess we’ll get started at some point. BTW tell my mama I said hi if u see her at the bar, she don’t return my calls that often. Guess she figures I might ask her for money. How are you doing? Kickin ass and taking names? Just wondering, are you wearing a fur since its cold in Cleveland? I know PETA is always trippin’ about that, but I figure there’s too many damn raccoons anyway. All up in Mama’s trashcans! U ever see that transsexual mayor from East Cleveland? I bet he wears fur. Well, let me know how you’re doing. Hope to make home around prom time. Nothing makes me warm and fuzzy like seeing young peoples in tuxes, chopper suits and “damn she can’t just be 17!” prom dresses. Well holla back. And remember you don’t have to do nothin’ in this world but stay black and die.
Isn’t that just magical? Do you see how I engaged her in conversation? Well, she has yet to respond, but that’s just because it takes times to process the richness of my comments. Imagine saying that to someone in person. Damn son!
Tip #2 BE YOURSELF
You’ve probably heard this since kindergarten and likely forgot as soon as you saw the cool kid with the Michael Jackson jacket and karate shoes get all the girls. Well fuck him. He peaked too early and he’s probably pushing carts at Target as we speak. Anyway, whether for good or bad just give a quick overview of your current life. For example, if I were engaged in an introductory conversation with someone I’d say something like the following:
“Hi I’m Dewan, but if you have trouble pronouncing black names you can call me Wayne. I enjoy watching Judge Judy and spelunking. Actually I’ve never been spelunking, I just like how the word sounds. I also enjoy writing semi-explicit stories with titles like “Virgin in the Bootyhole.” If we end up dating please be forewarned that I do atypical boyfriend things like disappear overseas for a month. So if this is going to work spontaneity is a must. Also, I’m not extremely good in bed, but I try hard and no matter what that whore told her friends, that’s all that matters.”
Dope huh? Short, to the point, and it sets realistic expectations. Besides, you’ll never have to worry about being someone else during the course of the relationship. Damn, with communication skills like that I might be able to get married by the time I’m 40.
Tip #3 READ BETWEEN THE LINES
Here are a few things people that are no longer interested in you will say, along with their translations. When faced with bullshit like this, cut your losses and post that person’s contact information on the “Casual Encounters” section of Craigslist.
-“I think we should take a break and see if we’re really meant to be. I just feel we’re both still growing and when I get to a stage where I can really be the man you deserve, maybe the time will be right.” Translation: I want to fuck other people. But if during these next few months I have trouble doing so, I will be sure to contact you.
-“These past few months have been hard and I’ve started to see things differently. I think I should move on and focus on myself.” Translation: I already started fucking someone else.
-“When we first got into this relationship we were so happy. Remember how it used to be? Now things have changed. I don’t know if we can ever get that feeling back.” Translation: I’m tired of fucking you.
Tip #4 JUST SHUT THE HELL UP SOMETIMES
I’m sure people with actual degrees in relationship therapy will talk about the need to communicate. Fuck that. Sometimes you need to shut the hell up. Imagine being with someone for a few years. You’ve heard all her stories and know what she’s going to say before she opens her big ass trap. And half of what she says in a complaint about something you’ve argued about fifty ‘leven times (that’s Ying Ying Twins talk, sorry).
Just let the small things that you might feel the need to argue about pass. For example: You’re out and you catch your boyfriend looking at some chick’s camel toe. Chances are he just had a biological reaction to being within 15 feet of camel toe. In fact, he probably tried hard not to look and is not even attracted to her. For me, it’s like that time I saw an albino Asian dwarf. I didn’t want to stare, but my fight or flight reflexes kicked in and said “what the fuck is that!” So obviously I had no choice but to look. And if the albino Asian dwarf didn’t get upset, you shouldn’t get mad at little stuff that your partner is doing wrong.
Well, that’s it. I was going to write five tips, but I hate writing extra words to fulfill arbitrary limits. If you must, please continue to text or IM me with specific questions. I’ll be sure to make your complex problems seem incredibly simple, which will probably make you feel a bit silly for getting so emotionally invested in your relationship. Then you’ll listen to me for a couple days, but end up going back into your unfulfilling and tumultuous relationship. You will repeat this process for months and maybe even years. Then you die.
Dewan W. Gibson: Author of The Imperfect Enjoyment
5 Responses to “The Simple Relationship Guide For People That Text and IM Dewan Gibson (aka D-Weezy aka Bruce Leroy) With Relationship Questions and Shit Like That”
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Rico Espi Says:
January 25th, 2010 at 7:23 pmI saw the sarcasm but then I said some of this shit is true lol. I agree ppl worry too much. Be real and u find someone.
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The Plan Doctor Says:
January 25th, 2010 at 9:34 pmYo DG this is sum good ish!!
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Dewan Gibson Says:
January 26th, 2010 at 11:34 pmLol thanks. Just tried to be as blunt, yet simple as possible. Women spending hundreds of dollars on self-help books…all the tips they need are right here.
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James Joyce III Says:
January 28th, 2010 at 3:23 pmI like it! Preach on… KISS (Keep it simple stupid)!
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Dewan Gibson Says:
January 28th, 2010 at 4:13 pmAmen! All that drama and stress…if it ain’t workin’, it ain’t workin’.
