Four Activites More Fun Than a Bar or Nightclub

Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Humor

My nightclub and bar hiatus is in effect from February 1-Febraury 28, 2010. The reasons are simple: 1) I have no interest in breaking through the impenetrable circle of dancing women 2) If I were to break through The Circle I would be laughed at—not with—for my version of the President Obama on the Ellen Show two step 3) My 2008-2009 nighttime outfit that includes a slim tie and striped cardigan is officially played out and a sufficient replacement has yet to be found. Well it has been found, but not yet purchased because Walmart cancelled my layaway plan due to nonpayment. Fuck!). So with that being said, I’ll have extra time on hand and need to stay occupied. How? By spending the next 28 days doing some of the things I’ve always wanted to do. Here ya go…

1) Write and produce my first gangster rap. During my recently renewed interest in hip-hop, I’ve noticed the music has gone a bit soft and is marketed toward skinny jean wearing punks. In other words, people like me. But to bring the culture back to the NWA days I want to make something extra ignorant. I’m talking about the type of song that will make you go to Walmart and piss on prepackaged steaks (see video below). But my song will be even harder. It’ll make you go to Mama’s house and piss on the Sunday dinner; it’ll make you smack the shit out of somebody just for blinking his eyes. Obviously it’s only February 1, so the song is a work in progress. But here’s the chorus: “You don’t ever wanna fuck with me/Beat your girl up/Steal her fuckin’ ovaries/Sell them bitches 2 for 1/Get my cash/Buy my gun/Kill you/Take your wealth/So damn crazy/I’ll kill myself.” Damn! That’s hot son!

2) Find a sleeping hummingbird at night. This might sound a bit strange, but for the past seven years I’ve been inspired by hummingbirds. Back in 2003 I was going through hard times (balls were clogged up, bank told me I couldn’t deposit coins in the ATM, ex-girlfriend was taking me to Judge Judy cus I owed her half the money for her abortion). In fact, times were so hard that I would just stay in the bed and sleep my sorrows away. Eventually I grew tired of the routine and said to myself while half asleep “Jesus help me. If you are real please show me a sign or something!” And for the first 30-45 seconds nothing happened. So I just figured He was busy freeing Whitney Houston from her crack addiction. But then a hummingbird appeared in my bedroom window and stayed there for about a minute, just looking so colorful and serene. Since then I’ve been curious to know how the only bird that can fly in reverse operates, how many hours they sleep at night, if they have a totalitarian or democratic system of government, etc, etc. But most of all I want to visit them while they’re sleeping, just as they came to me when I needed them most.

3) Kidnap a toddler. Now, now…before you rush to judgment let me explain. There are far too women young mothers out there who would rather shop and talk on their cell phones, when they should be keeping their children on human leashes. Thus, we have this pandemic of toddlers who can’t walk well getting in the way of full grown adults. To combat this problem, during the month of February 2010 I will kidnap any stray toddlers that I see at public areas such as shopping malls. The kidnap will only be temporary. Meaning, I will snatch the kid and take off running to the other end of the mall. Approximately three minutes later I will return the child to the crying mother and say “Watch yo’ fuckin’ kids. So 1) They don’t get snatched and 2) They keep adult walking paths clear. By the way, would you like to hear my new gangster rap?”

4) Sing ‘Fair Eastside in the bathroom of my local inner city high school. Much like the aforementioned hummingbird, the film Lean On Me has proven to be inspirational. When I first heard Principal Joe Clark say “I ain’t got to do nothing but stay black and die!” I immediately wanted to say the same to my elementary school teachers. Unfortunately a terrible stuttering problem prevented me from doing so. Years later I would be even more inspired by the young troublemakers who were forced to sing the school song by Principal Clark. Those young men are the essence of black creativity. Their ability to sing so well AND maintain perfect Jheri curls is unparalleled. So to occupy my extra time I will get a Jheri curl, sneak onto the grounds of my local inner city high school and make fast friends with a few young students to complete the group. We will then pay tribute to the exemplary young men of Eastside High and Principal Joe Clark with a rendition of their beautiful song. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, check the video below.

Well I’m sure these four gargantuan tasks for keep me busy during the next 28 days. I hope you join me on my nightclub and bar hiatus. After all, there’s nothing in the club but ass, titties and trouble. Good luck.

Dewan W. Gibson: Author of The Imperfect Enjoyment

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Permalink | February 1st, 2010

3 Responses to “Four Activites More Fun Than a Bar or Nightclub”

  1. Alex X. Says:
    February 1st, 2010 at 12:32 pm

    Fair Eastside lol. Oh wow lol. And why the pic of the white family?

  2. Sharita Cole Says:
    February 1st, 2010 at 4:02 pm

    I wish u would snatch my kid. Come to think of it u probably couldnt handle his little bad ass lol. Ur off the chain lol.

  3. Dewan Gibson Says:
    February 2nd, 2010 at 9:29 am

    My blog needed to diversify so I figured I’d add a pic of a happy white family. Nothing like classic Americana.

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