Men’s Bikini Underwear for Sale on Ebay: Great for Craigslist Casual Encounters
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Humor
I mentioned my famous bikini draws in an EARLIER POST and said I would explain later. Well, here it is. Eat your heart out sex muffins:
It is with great sadness that I say goodbye to my glittered bikini underwear. I purchased them nearly two years ago; just as the craze surrounding David Beckham’s Armani underwear advertisement was making women across the nation swoon. The reaction to Beckham’s loins was amazing! So I figured if my man package was also draped in designer bikinis I could progress from a “cute” boyish looking dude, to a man that chicks want to bone—more than once and not only when I pay.
However, due to California state budget cuts I lost my job as an adjunct faculty member, aka fake professor, at San Diego State University. I was crushed. In fact, I hadn’t felt that bad since the Gap introduced a gays only hiring policy and fired me as a smiling customer greeter. (They also said I didn’t say ‘Welcome to the Gap” with enough “sass.” Sorry, I meant “ssssass.”)
Anyway, my point is that I didn’t have enough money to buy those damn David Beckham Armani bikinis.
But being the crafty and innovative little bastard I am, I found a similar pair on sale at the discount clothing chain store Marshall’s. Maybe the cut and color were different, but they served the same purpose.
Well…they also did not come in a package and look slightly used, but they did come with a free plastic hanger. Which is cool because top quality underwear like these are meant to hung and showcased when not on some lucky man’s genitals.
After purchasing the underwear from Marshall’s my life changed completely. My butt, only slightly round and moderately well-built, morphed into a track star’s ass—raised high to the shoulders with great movement and no female-like jiggling.
As for my man-print…Lord have mercy. These bikinis made it look as if I had three legs and the testicles of a blue whale (which according to my fifth grade teacher have balls the size of a minivan).
But to take the underwear to a whole new level I stole some silver glitter from Wal-Mart and added a large letter “D” to the cock section. Why? Because with such an enhanced man-print women need to be forewarned that Dewan’s dangerous dick is coming their way. So forewarned they were, and also very much turned on.
You wouldn’t believe the number of responses I got to my Craigslist Casual Encounter post. No description was even needed. I just took an up close picture of the “D” and big beautiful women responded in mass, with a few leaving erotic responses like “I want you to touch me in my inside parts” and “If you taste as good as you look, consider your salad TOSSED.” Damn!
Unfortunately due to the dire economic conditions I am forced to sell THE bikini draws. To be specific I need to raise more money to promote my book, The Imperfect Enjoyment.
So bid your heart out. There’s no minimum bid, but I’m not sure you can put a price on a pair of life changing bikini underwear. So I’m expecting a bid somewhere near what Michael Jackson’s bedazzled glove went for. By the way…the underwear are a size small, but they can expand depending on your package. (I usually wear an XXS.) They also make a great gift for a person down on his or her luck.
Click here to access the auction.
Dewan W. Gibson: Author of The Imperfect Enjoyment
Proper Salad Tossing
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Humor
Man, recently salad tossing has come up in a few conversations. And it’s not something I want to do or get done (well maybe if I get my ass hair braided), but I am curious. I mean I’m not curious about what a woman’s ass tastes like–since I heard it tastes like fresh butter, but more so about how a man like myself would have his salad tossed by a woman.
What sort of position do I need to be in to receive a proper salad tossing? I damn sure ain’t laying on my back with my legs spread high in the air. And I sho’ nuff ain’t going to relax on all fours while some dingleberry loving woman does forbidden things to my innocent dook chute. So where does that leave me?
Now, I assume I can stand straight up, let her go to town, and try to last long by counting the dandruff flakes on the top of her head. But something tells me that wouldn’t be a proper salad tossing.
Then, how do you even ask a woman to toss your salad? Do you say “Hey baby, lick my ass…no homo.” Or should one ask in a somewhat cheerful manner like, “There’s an ass that needs a-lickin’! And it ain’t yours.”
So if you any expertise in this area, please leave a comment below. Your feedback is greatly appreciated and will go a long way to ensuring proper salad tossing.
Dewan W. Gibson: Author of The Imperfect Enjoyment
The Sex Tape I Don’t Want to See. Well Maybe…
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Humor
By now you’ve heard the story of former North Carolina Senator John Edwards. In short: runs for president in 2008, knocks up a campaign hanger-on, repeatedly says “I’m the son of a mill worker,” has his aide/flunky claim paternity, lets it be known again that “I’m the son of a mill worker,” gets busted by the National Enquirer while hiding in a bathroom wearing a sweat drenched shirt, apologizes, breaks his pops off some cash so he retire from the mill, finally admits paternity and disappears to do good deeds in the Caribbean.
Now he’s back…with a sex tape! But unlike the other sex tapes that I watch before church on Sunday, the campaign hanger-on he’s with is about 4-5 months pregnant. That’s some freaky shit. What happened to just getting an ultrasound and saving that for the child to see years later? Well I kind of understand, I guess a sex tape is more intriguing…”Hey Junior, come look at my face all in your mom’s twat. Had my tongue so far in her I think I licked your forehead. Then I poked her real good, damn near left you blind in one eye.” Anyway, I guess it’s cool how the baby was a star before he was even born. (sorry, that’s inappropriate. shit.)
The sex tape has yet to be released, but The Daily Beast has a detailed description of the contents.
Dewan W. Gibson: Author of The Imperfect Enjoyment
Politicians Trying to Get Play
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Humor, Social Comm
It has been a bad week for fake ass politicians. First California State Senator Roy Ashburn, who has consistently voted against equal rights for gays, was arrested for drunk driving…after he left a gay bar with a twink (exit only, I learned the term “twink” from “Terrail.” Read my book and you’ll get the joke).
Anyway, after the arrest Senator Ashburn admitted that he has a sexual preference for humans with Y chromosomes. He then made plans to attend Fire Island this summer.
Then, Eric Massa, a married with children US Congressman from New York resigned after being accused of inappropriate behavior towards male staffers. He claims he only tickled his staffers and once said “I should be fucking you!” But besides that he didn’t do much other than get a major boner as he imagined soap dripping down the crack of a young man’s ass. Congressman Massa will also be attending Fire Island this summer.
Lastly, Utah State Representative Kevin Garn admitted that at age 28 he went skinny dipping with a 15 year old employee. Years later when he ran for office in his late 40’s he paid the woman $150,000 not to mention the incident. But you guessed it; her slick ass went and blabbed off to the media anyway. Unfortunately after losing a 150k, Representative Garn cannot afford to attend Fire Island, but hopes to make it to Freak-Nic in Atlanta when that starts again.
The lesson is, if you plan on being a politician, consider letting all your dirt out prior to taking office. When I run for the Senate all I have to say is “Read the book man, just read the book.” On second thought…there is that one incident with that woman who might have born in the early 1990’s. But the statute of limitations is almost up on that so I’m cool! Coming soon, Senator Baby D.
Dewan W. Gibson: Author of The Imperfect Enjoyment
Damn Man…I’ll Explain Later
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Fashion, Humor
Obviously not every man has a pair of bikini draws that feature a glittered letter “D” on the exterior cock. But I do. And I will explain ASAP. Until then admire your night away.
Dewan W. Gibson: Author of The Imperfect Enjoyment
Why I’m Against The War
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Humor, Social Comm
This don’t make no damn sense. Woman goes over and fights for our country and comes back to work in a fake ass strip club–in Meechy’s basement. We gotta do better for our wounded warriors.
Dewan W. Gibson: Author of The Imperfect Enjoyment
Ginuwine’s Son: LOL
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Humor
Remember R&B singer Ginuwine that used to pony around with the greased baby hair? Well, the “rapper” above claims to be his son. It’s not like the rap is that bad, but the comments about the video left on Worldstarhiphop.com are just hilarious. People crackin’ on the little ass “Jeffersons TV” in the background, clowning him for watching Nick & Norah’s Infinite Playlist while rapping, talking about his ’stache etc, etc. Anyway, to Ginuwine’s son: Keep doing your thing. You need a little practice, but we all do. But brotha to brotha you GOTZ to shave that lip man!
The video is above. Here are the comments that were posted on Worldstar LOL!:
why doesn’t he have a flat screen damn is Ginuwine paying child support LMAO
This n*gga is straight sour breast milk. StL North County
This n*gga on sme g*y s*** the man in the back ground was putting on his Pants. House BOLD. Can’t be Genuines Son. He look Broker than me. Evryday burger king. No wonder he stacking only buying BK
uhg that is not Ginuwine’s son, whomever he happens to be he sure is wack.
IF PRETTY SURE IF HE REALLY GINUWINE SON THAT HE CAN AFFORD A FLATSCREEN TV. HE DONT EVEN LOOK LIKE HIM
If he ginumine sone why he got that little as old tv
I was more interested in the movie on the tv in the background.
“GOD”_______says: You’re embarrassing your father with that MONKEY s***……i should slap ur punk azz
how tha hell he ginuwines son?? n*gga got that lil bitty ass Jeffersons TV in the back in that sh*tty ass small ass room, and the n*gga watchin NICKI AND NORAHS PLAYLIST ON THE TV LOL thats the whitest movie ever whu the f*** r u watchin n*gga????
thick mustache ass lil boy…
shave that damn wolf p*ssy off ya lip…
UPDATE: It’s official. Ginuwine’s son has a mustache like Lester Jenkins from 227.
Dewan W. Gibson: Author of The Imperfect Enjoyment
Jihad Jane: Actress Glenn Close A Terrorist?
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Humor, Social Comm
So much for racial profiling…American actress Glenn Close has been charged with plotting to kill a Swedish journalist who drew a derogatory cartoon of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH). You probably know her from the 1980’s thriller Fatal Attraction. Well, she allegedly recruited potential killers online and wrote of her desire to become an Islamic martyr. You know, just the regular ol’ shit that Hollywood stars do.
I always knew those Hollywood commies were up to something. And don’t let me get started on that foreign-born socialist Hussein Obama…jeez. I’m just glad to know that we have real patriots like Liz Cheney to pick up where Joseph McCarthy left off.
Sorry!!! I’ve just been alerted that the accused terrorist IS NOT actress Glenn Close. Apparently she is Colleen LaRose, a suburban housewive in Montgomery, Pennsylvania and a down-low terrorist. You can read more about her arrest here. I still suspect that she might have a Hollywood connection and I will keep you updated. The real Glenn Close (or is her name really Colleen LaRose?) is below. Sorry about that, but God Bless America.
Dewan W. Gibson: Author of The Imperfect Enjoyment
Freaknic: The Musical
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Arts, Humor
The closest I got to the FreakNic was Cleveland’s Puerto Rican Parade. But from what I hear it buck ass wild. Gold teeth, strippers, college students, fake ass college students that spent half a semester at Bankhead Community College and a whole bunch of frustrated ass old people. In remembrance T-Pain (and one of the Boondocks producers) has created an animated ode. The story revolves around a group of present day college students that are hoping to revive the 1990’s party. It’s not hilarious, but I got an occasional laugh and the music was cool. Plus the voices by Cee-Lo, Rick Ross, George Clinton, Bootsy and quite a few of hip-hop’s most colorful personalities make it watchable. Hold on, what I am talking about? It’s Monday night and I don’t have shit to do. So right now, FreakNic: The Musical is pretty damn entertaining. Part 1 of the first episode is above and part two is below (still waiting on the last part, think it’s ‘pose to last an hour).
Dewan W. Gibson: Author of The Imperfect Enjoyment
Chris Rock All Up On Gabourey’s Ass
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Arts, Humor
Evidently Chris Rock and I agree that there’s nothing like a big woman that’s dressed up and well-moisturized. I’ll never forget BT (short for Big Tisha) from 2005 who came over, undressed on my couch, grabbed a chunk of her left thigh, pulled it to the side to reveal a mean snatch and simply said “Get it.” Shout out to BT and Gabourey Sibide for her performance in Precious. Remember, no matter what they say you don’t need to wear body shaping undergarments. Biiiig-face!
Dewan W. Gibson: Author of The Imperfect Enjoyment
Almost Free Book: For Your i-Phone, Kindle or Blackberry
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Arts, Humor
My book, which for the fifty eleventh time is called The Imperfect Enjoyment, is available as a $0.99 download on Amazon.com. Supposedly it’s a weekend only sale, but I guess everyone says that. Here’s the KINDLE PAGE.
To get it on your i-Phone, PC, Blackberry–blah, blah, blah–simply download the Amazon Kindle app. Obviously if you have the Kindle just…shit, you know what you’re doing. Be sure to browse this site for reviews and excerpts.
Disregard the Harry Belafonte pic below. Somebody told me I favor him so I’m just kind of riding that until the wheels fall off. “Hey bitch my name is Harry.”
Dewan W. Gibson: Author of The Imperfect Enjoyment
This Might Be Something Long Term If…
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Arts, Guest Blog, Humor
To break the monotony of the mini blog post I had four of my favorite writers answer a simple relationship-related question: “This Might Be Something Long Term If…” The only rules were that the writers keep it less than 500 words. I also participated and added a music video to each writer’s post that (IMO) represents the tone of their short essay. Anyway, check out each and every post. Mad different styles and perspectives, son! Also be sure to check out their blogs. Here ya go…
This Might Be Something Long Term If:
We met in the parking lot of my apartment complex; the apartment I shared with my fiance. HE was one of three, and one of them belonged to me, my younger brother. His smile shone brightly against all that ebony and caught the sunlight just so. That was it. Nothing more.
Fast-forward 4 years and I’m on his turf and unbeknownst to me I had just flown, literally, right into that 75/85 South Love. I was holding a baby and he was holding my gaze. Without me knowing it, he was checking out my natural mothering tendencies, as I fed my nephew, and blending them with the possibilities lingering around my childbearing hips. The conversation flowed so smoothly I never even noticed the full-body caress his eyes gave me and I clearly missed the fantasies dancing in them as my nephew covered me in mashed sweet potatoes.
A week later, me and time flew on and the wooing commenced. Long distance wooing is a different beast and must be done creatively. Needless to say, he came widdit. First was the friend request on Facebook. Then came love songs via YouTube. Daily. He asked if-when-he could talk to me, weekly.
I kept ducking because, after all, he’s my LITTLE brother’s friend. He let me know he wasn’t smart enough to give up and he wasn’t goin’ anywhere. I should’ve listened. The exact moment where I broke under the pressure isn’t clear to me, I just know one day we were on the phone and it couldn’t have happened without my consent. I tried to keep our conversations of the platonic sort, knowing good and damn well that something about him got me open like mussels in garlic and wine sauce–partially.
I gave an inch and he took a mile, 620 to be exact. My trip originally had nothing to do with him. His apparent desire to see me, my secret desire to see him, and his schedule made it easy for him to scoop me from the airport. I even accepted his invitation to stay in his childfree environment. I reminded him often of my intention not to know him biblically as we ate sushi and made rounds to visit folks on the friends and family plan.
Night fell but my panties didn’t as we prepared for bed, with the imaginary platonic line drawn down the middle. By 6 am, with his voice in my ear (why the hell was this man awake?), I was giving myself quiet dap for making it through the night with my chastity belt still locked in place. After all, I’m a lady (snigger). Again, I missed the moment things changed. I uttered something like “no” unconvincingly and the next thing I knew neither one of us was paying me any attention. Needless to say, the one song he never sent was Lost and Turned Out, and that’s just what I am.
If frequent flyer miles weren’t involved…there could be a love thing goin’ on.
Ndygo Sunshyne is a teacher by day and a writer by breath. She’s a cafe au lait blogger by way of Chocolate City, currently in the throes of chasing her dream and jumping off this writing thing. Check her out at pitchinpennies.blogspot.com and in other publications using her government name.
This Might Be Something Long Term If:
Great question that most of us ask ourselves in the early stage of a new relationship.
I’m currently in a relationship that is going on almost five years. And I can pinpoint the moment that the light bulb went off over my head and I said, “Holy, crash batman, this might be forever”.
Around three years ago, my long distance father found out he was terminal. Princess (short for Pretty, Pretty Princess) and I decided we would make a trip from Ohio to Florida so the two of them could meet. This meant more to me obviously, but nonetheless we had it planned.
As we walked up the driveway and saw this petite figure of a man who was once my stubborn, asshole of a father, I broke down into tears. Despite my goal of not giving my father the opportunity to see my sensitive side…I could not hide it. My poor Princess and I had only been together less than a year, and here he was picking me up to move forward with this meeting.
We spent two days with my father. Princess was dragged all around my father’s home as he told him about the trees and which ones he planted in what year. Princess was bored silly but he did that for me. All the while I was trying to come to terms with what I was dealing with. Essentially, I was saying goodbye to a man I hardly knew, to a man I spent my 20 + years trying to figure out. It was a surreal experience.
Was this the moment I thought Princess was forever? Nope you’d be wrong. About five months later my father passed away. So here we are making another trip to Florida. I won’t go into details but the funeral was the biggest joke of my life.
After the funeral fiasco, we went back to our hotel room. Princess was walking on eggshells as he kept waiting for me to breakdown and cry. To which, I had not. But…I did feel the worst gas pains I’ve ever felt in my life. So I tell him, “I’m gonna go drop a deuce and be back in a few…”
This right here is the moment I knew we would be forever. I went into the hotel bathroom and poohed. Here I am 15 minutes later, and I realize its blue ribbon quality poohing. I flush the toilet and it overflows…I’m laughing hysterically and tell him he needs to call the front desk. He calls, the maintenance guys arrive. They end up having to snake the toilet and get it all cleaned up. They leave….
And Princess looks at me…I’m laughing the entire time and says, “You do realize they think I did that.” We had such a good time after this pooh experience and can even laugh about it now…This is the moment that I knew my Princess was the man for me!
Katie Sessor, raised in Columbus, Ohio and currently living in Kentucky where the word conservative doesn’t begin to describe the people. Likes to take long walks off of short piers, blogs in her spare time for fun, is Master of the Universe by day. Check her out: ghettobilly.wordpress.com
This Might Be Something Long Term If:
First; long term is contextual. Two minutes, two hours, two nights.
It shouldn’t start off sexual, rather built off of the intellectual.
So if she turns it up on the first night, although it may seem right, remember the code; you don’t turn a hoe into a housewife.
Once the foundation is built, it might turn into something long term if all the contradicting love songs start to make sense, one after another.
Immediately excluded from long term are those who make time with my brothers. You can’t smash the homie! You can’t smash the homie!
About that turn of time, if your mouth waters just the same at the sight of her in the morning without makeup and wearing your oversized t-shirt, as it did the night before in the sleek and classy curve fitting fabric — you got me thinking about offering dowry.
If our bodies talk even if our mouths don’t. If our bond is about more than the mere geometrics of puzzle pieces, but also includes quantum physics — and you don’t even need to know what that is. If you can stroke both my ego and the love below with the grace of a dog whispering snake charmer.
If you have the ability to pop that big butt and smile like you belong in a Luke video, and saunter your hips that tell the truth about your Afro Latin roots, bestow that soft kiss with the same lips you … well, you get the idea. If we can meet with triumph and disaster and treat those two impostors just the same (Thank you Rudyard Kipling) … it might be something long term.
It might be long term if you let me do me, trust me, but don’t cross me.
If you are still around when you have surpassed the term limit. It just might be long term.
— The Joyce Voice
James Joyce III is a former newspaper reporter who still gets enjoyment from the written word. For most of his seven years as a daily newspaperman he covered education issues among other things. However, unveiled from the daily deadlines and strict adherence to conventional journalistic principals, he aims to manipulate the language for our enjoyment. While juggling his many other projects, Joyce sporadically posts to his blog, The Joyce Voice (www.jamesjoyce3.blogspot.com).
This Might Be Something Long Term If:
Your heart flutters every time he speaks your name. Your throat gets dry and your palms get sweaty every time you dial his number…and you listen to his full voicemail message just to hear the sound of his super fantastic, perfect-in-each-and-every-way voice again *sigh*. You can imagine the pitter-patter of little feet, and just the thought makes you all melty inside, because you just KNOW you are meant to be. He’s perfect for you in each and every way, and you’ve NEVER felt anything like this before. No, honestly, this time you know that you have found “the one”.
*rolls eyes* Yeah, because that intense and overwhelming feeling of infatuation is really going to last forever. But then you take off those rose coloured glasses of yours and realize that Mr./Mrs. Perfect is just like everyone else – human, and therefore flawed. So, since perfection doesn’t actually exist, and since even those married for decades now (despite popular belief to the contrary) were not actually a match made in heaven, what is it that makes some relationships last for the long haul while others simply fade into oblivion at the first sign of disagreement?
You can probably find examples for every characteristic you truly desire and deem important in a relationship in your previous dabblings…great conversation, serious chemistry, shared values, similar achievements, goals, and dreams….and yet even if they had most, or even ALL of these traits sometimes it still just doesn’t kick off. So what is the determining factor, Ruby? Well, since you ask…
It’s simple. You know the relationship you’re beginning with someone is long-term if:
1) You’ve decided you would like to be in a long term relationship, and vice-versa (What? You thought that there was gonna be some magic involved? People get, and stay, together because they decide that they are ready and willing to make a commitment)
2) You’ve decided that you’re willing to compromise many aspects of your lifestyle to incorporate the new suitor into your life, and again they feel likewise. This may be beneficial, or detrimental, in the end, but again refer to point #1
3) And most importantly, you’ve (and they as well) decided that you are in the mood to deal with someone else’s BS, while working on resolving your own in the process, regardless of how difficult because refer back to points #1 and 2
I’m sorry, but that’s all there is to it. Whether you think love at first sight is a real phenomenon, or just some fairy tale BS we’ve been sold by a consumerism society that wants to leech every penny from us by way of over priced lovey-dovey greeting cards, flowers, chocolates and jewelry, you’ve got to admit that there isn’t a single relationship out there that stood the test of time without some serious determination, hard work, serious tests of patience and pride, and soul searching. And nobody is gonna go through all of that unless they are in the emotional and mental position to electively choose to go there with someone.
Cheers
Classic Ruby a.k.a Jessica Christle, is a 25 year old Psychology student from Mississauga, Ontario, Canada. She is working towards her Ph.D in Psychology, but has always had a passion for writing, and has been at it for as long as she can remember. Currently, she hosts her own website which features her short stories, poetry, and digital stories www.25andalive.tk. She has also recently launched her own blog, http://classicruby.blog.com. If you would like to get in contact with Ruby you can email her classicruby@rogers.com.
This Might Be Something Long Term If:
Well, just so you know what you’re getting into—let me tell you a few things about myself.
I live in a one bedroom apartment with a popcorn ceiling. I could have owned a home by now, but my Negro tendencies led me to purchase a sports car instead.
I also have intimacy problems. Obviously I don’t mean problems with Big Thunder, but more so with saying “I love you.” In fact, if a woman says “I love you” I often give vague response like “Fareal!” or “You don’t love me, you just love the way I apologize after selfishly reaching orgasm too quickly.”
And it’s not that I won’t love you. It’s just that I wasn’t raised around such emotion. The only time my dad said “I love you” was after he whooped my ass for talking back. To be exact he whooped me, took a shower to calm down, came out the shower butt ass naked and said “I love you, but you gotta stop talking back all the damn time.” Dad also has Big Thunder.
At this point you’ve probably lost all interest. If not, this might be something long term if you have the following qualities.
Physically, a pretty face and a nice ass are more than sufficient. By “nice ass” I mean a woman with the type of ass that you not dare hit from the back because you know you won’t last but a minute. An ass so damn round it frightens you to approach her—so you run home and search for a similar ass on onionbooty.com. A rump so rotund that you dream of asking her to do freaky shit like use the bathroom with the door open…just so you can see that mammoth heaven-sent blob of flesh engulf that lucky white toilet seat. Basically you gotta have an ass like Prince! (Sorry somebody else typed that sentence about Prince…)
As for the lasting qualities, you have to be focused on the present and future. My skeletons are very comfortable in their plush closet and will remain so provided you don’t fuck it up. A habitual conversation holder is also nice.
You also have to cut me some slack. For example, if I’m ever accused of impregnating an impressionable teen on the dance floor of my local 18 and over nightclub and insisting that she “name the baby De’One, or don’t have it all!” you have to give me a chance to explain.
Or, if I can’t spend much time with you because I’m busy playing Jeffrey Daniel in a Shalamar tribute band, please be supportive.
But most of all you have to believe me when I say “I’m just joking around…no reason to get mad.”
Dewan W. Gibson: Author of The Imperfect Enjoyment
Who The Hell Is Interrupting My Kung-Fu! The Best Quotes from “Black Dynamite”
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Arts, Humor
Believe it or not I rarely watch comedy films. I’m more likely to watch a film that makes me cry inside and yearn for Mommy. But when I do watch a comedy, it SHO NUFF BETTER BE A GOOD ASS FILM! And in this case it definitely was. In fact I watched Black Dynamite four times this week. Check out some of my favorite one liners from the film and of course a trailer. Rent this jawn on DVD now…nigga.
“Shhhh! Mama, you gonna wake up the rest of the bitches.”
“Tiny, get Pimpin’ Jake out my trunk. Tell him the rest of my money by Wednesday or I’ll make ‘em stick himself.”
“Who the hell is interrupting my Kung-Fu!”
“I remember Vietnam like it was yesterday…all the dead Chinamen we left in our tracks.”
“He said something to me in Chinese. Like, “Bubasow!” Sounded like some cartoon shit, but I understand it to be a question that he was asking me.”
“Black Dynamite, uh! You came to see me!” “Bitch naw I gotta go rap at my man Horn. But afterwards since I’m here maybe I’a throw you one real quick.”
“Bullhorn, can I get you anything? Yessss I would like some of that ass.”
“What you want to eat man? Sister Betty made some Hog Maws and man she put her ANKLES in it!”
“Man I mean, these cats look mean. Meaner than two fat muthafuckas wrestling over pork chops and greens. Can you dig it?”
“Stick wit me baby. I’a have you farting through silk.”
“Oh you a corn fed fool with a lotta muscle mass! But it’s time for Bullhorn to get up in that ass!”
“When your so called revolution starts you call me and I’ll be right there in front showing you how it’s done. But until then you need to SHUT THE FUCK UP while grown folks is talking.”
“I think you running a temperature. Let me see if I can find a thermometer for you” (unzips pants and gropes nurse who has her titties hanging out lol).
“Europhia shut the fuck up! I know that was you I ain’t even gotta look! I should send your ass back to Crenshaw P wit his hot ass coat hangers bitch! Would you like that!”
“Hell this been my worst physical year ever” “Fiscal nigga, with a f. Fiscal”
“Man they won’t be able to take a shit without us knowing WHEEEEN and what color.”
“Man you guys ain’t had no waffles like these. These waffles are so good, they like they come from down south. These butterin’ muthafuckas will melt in yo’ mouth!”
“Take your filthy black hands off the presidential dinnerware. You moon cricket!”
“I’m sorry I pimp slapped you into that China cabinet. I used excessive force.”
Dewan W. Gibson: Author of The Imperfect Enjoyment
I Ain’t Really the Best Interviewee…
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Arts, Humor
Check out the pics from a recent book singing in Cincinnati, Ohio. I had not been to Cincy in 20 odd years, but was delighted to see such a fashionable city. Men and women, young and old, LOVE fur. Not just brown fur–white fur, purple fur, raccoon fur, fur and leather, fur made Ashanti’s sideburns. Cincinnati is just a furry ass town. Anyway, I had a great time and felt honored at the hospitality.
Signing a book
I’ve also included an interview from my appearance on The Young Turks last year. I’ll admit…I’m a bit nerdy and it comes off in interviews. Fuck it, what you see is what you get. My id does the writing and a relatively geeky dude does the talking. The internet gangsters came in full force after the interview, lambasting me as Gay Urkel. You can read more about it here. I felt down for a bit, but then I did some yoga and listened to “Party All the Time” by Eddie Murphy and Rick James and felt a lot better. Enjoy the weekend–I’ll soon be back for a post featuring my favorite one-liners from Black Dynamite.
Dewan W. Gibson: Author of The Imperfect Enjoyment
Dancing is a SPORT!
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Humor, Why I Luv My People
I know at some point I’m gonna get my ass beat if I keep stealing Facebook pictures. But when I see stuff like the Facebook stalker with a Lycra tank top I can’t help it. Or better yet, when I see a picture of somebody coming off the dance floor looking like Pat Riley just made him run suicide drills before he hit the club…it has to be posted!
Looked at him, just done sweated out his club shirt. All that purple silk just drenched.That little thin ass tank top underneath didn’t stand a chance. But that’s what you get for dry humping on the dance floor. I wasn’t there, but I bet he wasn’t doing a two step. Bet he was out there rock hard, just grinding and poking. Grinding and poking…
But look at the smile on his face. He knows the work he put in on the dance floor is gonna pay off. Damn! He was ready. Had the goatee lined up, The Club shirt on. Probably had on some jeans with a mean crease AND some Stacy Adams loafers. I bet the Stacy Adams had duck tape on the sole just in case he has to take them back tomorrow. Don’t act like you haven’t done it!
Dewan W. Gibson: Author of The Imperfect Enjoyment
Judge Mathis: One Of My Favorite People
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Humor, Social Comm
Before starting this post I want to reaffirm my love for Judge Judy. I’ve spoken of her in glowing terms usually reserved for models of womanhood such as Mary-Mother of Jesus and Sheila-Mother of Dewan, Wayne, Durrell and Lashaunta. However, there is another TV judge that I admire and that’s Judge Mathis.
I started digging Judge Mathis years ago when I noticed a number of his proceedings included the phrase “Y’all must of had something freaky going on!” Often the litigants did NOT have anything freaky going on, but being such an astute Judge, Brotha Mathis figured he should ask anyway. Plus he wanted to be ready in case some freaky shit did jump off after the show.
Sadly Judge Mathis is not shown on basic TV in San Diego. I guess it’s kind of like how The Man puts literature by black authors in the “black section” of the bookstore despite the story of the novel having little or nothing to do with the black experience. Well, the same for Judge Mathis. He’s a black judge so I guess they figure only markets with large black populations are interested in seeing if there actually is “something freaky going on.”
But thanks to the magic of the internet I was able to see Judge Mathis on Youtube. Check him out discussing the prison industrial complex and the need for reform (WTF! Corporate owned prisons paying inmates $1 a day!).
Anyway, if you’re one of those fancy, rich progressive people with hundreds of cable channels and multiple episodes of shows like The Colbert Report stored on your DVR (whatever that is), feel free to invite me over so we can try and find Judge Mathis. Until then watch him above and below.
Dewan W. Gibson: Author of The Imperfect Enjoyment
Kid Cudi Models for Calvin Klein: I Now Have Hope
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Arts, Humor
Fellow Clevelander (damn Shaker boy) Kid Cudi is involved in a lot good shit: HBO series, rapping, singing and whimpering, being emo, threatening to retire after his first record, punching fans and now modeling!
Months ago I noted my aspirations to become an internationally known underwear model in the JcPenney catalog. Regrettably the industry was not ready for a thin, octaroon models with kiwi fruit chest hair. But now Cudi and his old man body have opened up new doors. If he can get a shirtless gig for Calvin Klein, surely I can at least get a placement in a Target photoshoot wearing a tank top and Mossimo jeans. We’ll see…
Anyway, check out a full episode of Kid Cudi’s new HBO series, How to Make it in America. He only gets about 30 seconds of screen time in this episode, and uses it to do the Cleveland Shake, but I read that he’ll soon have a larger role. Clelveand stand up! (Damn I feel so hip saying that).
Oh forget the full episode, embedding has been disabled by corporate hacks. Here’s the YOUTUBE LINK.
Dewan W. Gibson: Author of The Imperfect Enjoyment
Tips for Random Acts of Kindness Day
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Humor
Today, February 17, marks the official Random Acts of Kindness Day. I have no idea who created this “holiday,” but I’m sure they smelled a potential melee of greeting card profits. Regardless, since I’m an incredibly kind person who enjoys performing random acts of kindness like holding doors open for women (which is a great opportunity to get a no-hassle peak at an often nice ass) and throwing scalding hot water on stray cats that seek warmth under my parked car, I figure I should offer suggestions for those unsure about what to do on Random Acts of Kindness Day. Here you go:
-As I write, millions of people are in the office bored as hell. They all look tired and disappointed as if they wasted 10 bucks to see Wolfman. Do one of them a favor and he or she will forever appreciate your kindness. Go up to him and say “There’s a better way to stay awake at work besides coffee.” As soon as his eyes widen in wonderment just smack the shit out of him.
-Vagrants across the United States have only the scraps of food from warm-hearted democrats to eat. However, this food is often unhealthy. Do your local vagrant a favor and give him a free copy of a Michael Pollan book. Perhaps The Omnivore’s Dilemma? And strongly suggest that he watch his diet.
-Working women are often victims of the double shift. Meaning they hold down a full-time job and also perform housework and motherly duties at home. What sucks is that they are paid less than men for the same work. Also, the child rearing sometimes goes astray and they end up raising future petty criminals and reality TV stars. To make life just a bit easier for the working mothers out there do this: Lather your hands in Crisco (olive oil for the health conscious), go to a place where working mothers tend to congregate (Target or Walmart) and after approaching her unannounced commence to giving her a free oil massage. She may resist at first, but if you repeat “You know you like it!” over and over again she might relax. Explain to the police that you are just being kind and that they should be out there arresting the powers-that-be who allow women to be paid 78 cents for every dollar a man makes.
-It’s a shame how overweight people are discriminated against. It’s crazy that a rich, fat film director can’t even get a seat on a discount airline (and did you see how Tyra was treated when she wore a fat suit!). Imagine what sort of effect this treatment has on an obese person’s self-worth. Well, today is the day that you make the Kevin Smiths of the world feel much better. Go up to the next overweight guy you see and say “Hi. Not sure if anyone has told you this…but you’re pretty good looking for a big face.” Then for extra emphasis, scream “BIG FACE!” at the top of your lungs.
I hope you enjoy Random Acts of Kindness Day to the fullest. Be sure to let me know any suggestions you have for making the world a better place, one person at a time. Better yet, let me know how it goes when you implement my suggestions.
Dewan W. Gibson: Author of The Imperfect Enjoyment
Yes, There Are Good People Who Review Humor Books
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Arts, Humor
Check out two recent reviews of The Imperfect Enjoyment. The first is courtesy of 410media.com, a site featuring independent music and literature. I also did an online reading for them that you should be posted soon. I don’t read aloud very well, and strongly dislike people who read aloud in front of others, but I think it turned out OK. I’ll be sure to put my shameless self-promotion cap on again and let everyone know when the reading is posted.
The second review comes from Listentoleon.net, a humor blog by Leon Scott who used to write for King Magazine. The pic above is from one of his recent posts titled “Get Some Stank On Your Hand” and if you’re reading this blog you’re probably into that type of shit. Be sure to check out his site. You never know? He might have a hookup with one of dimes featured in King Magazine (ex: Rosa Acosta). Anyway, shout out to Leon. And like I told him before: Game recognize game, good hair recognize good hair.
Lastly, if you have seven or eight bucks that it now costs on Amazon, be sure to order my book. I appreciate the numerous people who’ve said “Let me get a copy of your book,” (for free I assume), but I GOTZ to make ends meet. Besides if you saw Will Smith walking down the street you wouldn’t say “Hey man, let me get a copy of your movie.” You’d probably say “Big Will, going to see your movie tonight…can’t wait!” And he’s already rich! Not to say I’m as handsome or talented as The Fresh Prince, but you get my drift.
But thanks a lot for the support. I’m always humbled to hear that people enjoy my work. Well, enough of that sentimental shit. If you want to read more reviews of my work or excerpts CLICK HERE. Peace.
Dewan W. Gibson: Author of The Imperfect Enjoyment
Why I Luv My People (And not just the light skinned ones) Big Black Women Know How to Have a Good Time
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Humor, Why I Luv My People
Videos like this one make me so proud to be black. Despite being subjugated and placed at the bottom of America’s social ladder BIG BLACK WOMEN know how to have a damn good time. Fuck a diet! These women are big, proud and ready to get down. I need a big black woman in my life…
Oh yeah…shout out to Dave, Ricky, Omar & Vic: BIIIIIIIIIIIIG FACE!
Dewan W. Gibson: Author of The Imperfect Enjoyment
The Truth About Sexual Addiction
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Humor, Social Comm
Former ESPN baseball analyst Steve Phillips was on “The Today Show” to discuss his battle with sex addiction. To make a long story short the 40-something Mr. Phillips and his magnificent goatee cheated on his wife with a 22 year old production assistant (as documented when I inducted Mr. Phillips into my Player Hall of F(sh)ame).
The chubby assistant fell in love with Mr. Phillips. Out of a jealous anger she then confronted his wife by texting “We both can’t have him” and later showed up at her house. She also reached out to one of his four children via a fake identity on Facebook to get the inside scoop on the marriage. Mr. Phillips and the production assistant were both fired from ESPN. His goatee was fired a week later.
Mr. Philips is now attempting to rehabilitate his image and has completed a second go-around at the same sex addiction clinic where Tiger Woods is allegedly receiving treatment. So…to finally get to the point, this sex addiction phenomenon is starting to reek of bullshit.
For one, sexual activity is a biologically inherent trait. Males are programmed to reproduce, and exercise their chances to have a successful reproductive act. Which means having sex with women of child bearing age and appearance. Key word being the plural of woman, WOMEN.
But marriage is a social norm that tells us we should only express this reproductive trait with a woman whom you file a joint tax return. As a result you have this male conflict between biology and the desirable social norm to have a happy family life and not lose half of everything you own. Some men choose the former; some choose the latter, while others want both.
So to say Steve Phillips and Tiger Woods are sex addicts is a bit of a stretch. But they are men who share three characteristics: 1) They have options 2) They have the means and 3) They are arrogant.
An average (or even less than average) looking man with stable employment and confidence/arrogance will be attractive to a lot of women. But multiply that times 1,000 and make that same less than good looking man rich and powerful. That equals PUSSY GALORE! I know you probably didn’t learn that equation in ninth grade algebra, but it’s true. (Men + extraordinary means=options) x (arrogance)=PUSSY GALORE. For example: Bill Clinton, David Duchovny and that to a lesser extent that nigga in the club buying out the bar all have options. And they have a near unlimited amount of means. It’s a dangerous mix.
The good news is that many or most men grow out of their selfish phase and commit to an ordinary married life. But an arrogant man never leaves the selfish phase that most of us overcome in our mid to late 20’s. An arrogant man believes he DESERVES a loyal wife, a stable family, a harem of average looking women, or at least a chubby intern to mess around with.
He is also arrogant enough to believe he will never be caught. And if he is caught, he can deal with it anyway. Because in his eyes, and often in the eyes of others, HE’S THE SHIT!
This behavior often continues until the arrogant man with options and the means, is truly humbled by his behavior blowing up in his face, or simply accepts that he is not husband material—which is OK!
But until then he has no business being married, and these silly ass women have no business thinking they can change him after marriage. You can excuse his behavior by labeling it an addiction or simply see it for what it is: options, means and arrogance.
NOTE: I am not an expert in relational therapy or any associated field. However, I do hold a Master of Arts in the Easy Classes from San Diego State University. I have also conducted extensive observational and participatory research on fidelity. I have moderate options and means, but have worked hard to eliminate arrogance while maintaining confidence.
Dewan W. Gibson: Author of The Imperfect Enjoyment
Calm, But Sho’ Nuff Ain’t Cool!
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Humor
I’m very calm, but definitely not cool. Unlike the the ultra-hip deadbeat dads on “The Maury Povich Show” I cannot refer to myself “Mr. Swagtastic.” Unlike hip-hop star T.I. I cannot remove my shirt in public to show the world my rib bones and shout “Who am I/Rubberband Man/Wild as the Taliban.” Unlike the black guy standing on the side of the dance floor at your local night club, I cannot nod my head on beat while simultaneously sipping Hennessy (with just a splash of Coke). And lastly, unlike the men who model in GQ I cannot appear extra fashionable and take photos that maintain an air of masculinity. When I do attempt to give the GQ look I end up with homoerotic pictures like the one below. This one was taken New Year’s Eve 2006, but for obvious reasons was held in secrecy for years and years. Note: No matter what the picture indicates the young man and I both had female dates. Well, I think we did.
Dewan W. Gibson: Author of The Imperfect Enjoyment
Remakes, Remixes: We Are The World…Redone
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Humor, Social Comm
Come on man, “We Are the World 2010.” Bullshit! If the song doesn’t include an artist with a Jheri curl and a bedazzled glove, it shouldn’t be called “We Are the World.” If the song doesn’t have the real Stevie Wonder in it, it shouldn’t be called “We Are the World.” Well, maybe Stevie wonder is in the new version, but I’m talking about the slim, sexual Stevie. Not the Stevie that’s been fuckin’ with all those fried foods.
You’re telling me that 90 of the supposed most creative singers in the world couldn’t come up with a title besides “We Are the World 2010.” How about “Haiti! Rise!” Or since we have a few rappers involved how about “Haiti Up In This Bitch!” Remade movies, remixed songs and now a redone fundraiser. Where’s the creativity? They’re even copying the whole look of the stage.
Bottom line, no matter how good this song sounds it cannot create the same energy as the original version. Reason #1: We’ve seen this before. Reason #2: We’re dealing with an unpreventable natural disaster, as opposed to a large scale fully preventable mass starvation. Reason #3: In the age of the internet, most of the artists are overexposed.
When the first “We Are the World” was released it was rare to see most of the artists on the stage, let alone see them together. Think about Michael Jackson at the top of his popularity. He was rarely seen! He’d show up at an awards show looking all shy and mysterious and shiny, had an occasional video, but that was about it. Even though he was the most famous man in the world, he was hiding out like a Chupacabra in Puerto Rico. And when he was seen, he barely said a word. He just got his skinny ass on stage and did something NEW and CREATIVE.
But now you can see any these artists simply by typing their names in Google. Not to mention their Twitter accounts, blogs, video after video, advertisement for their colognes and perfumes, interviews with Jay, Dave, Oprah, Tyra, Jimmy, Conan and Ellen, gossip shows, guest appearances on sitcoms, at Starbucks or Nobu trying to be seen, but not seen. Shit!
I’ll admit the cause is admirable. But from 90 creatives and eccentrics I expect more. And I haven’t even heard the goddamn song yet.
UPDATE: IT HAS JUST BEEN CONFIRMED THAT VINCE VAUGHN ALSO SINGS ON THE NEW “WE ARE THE WORLD.” YES, VINCE “MOTOR BOAT” VAUGHN FROM WEDDING CRASHERS. NO LIE!
Dewan W. Gibson: Author of The Imperfect Enjoyment
Four Activites More Fun Than a Bar or Nightclub
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Humor
1) Write and produce my first gangster rap. During my recently renewed interest in hip-hop, I’ve noticed the music has gone a bit soft and is marketed toward skinny jean wearing punks. In other words, people like me. But to bring the culture back to the NWA days I want to make something extra ignorant. I’m talking about the type of song that will make you go to Walmart and piss on prepackaged steaks (see video below). But my song will be even harder. It’ll make you go to Mama’s house and piss on the Sunday dinner; it’ll make you smack the shit out of somebody just for blinking his eyes. Obviously it’s only February 1, so the song is a work in progress. But here’s the chorus: “You don’t ever wanna fuck with me/Beat your girl up/Steal her fuckin’ ovaries/Sell them bitches 2 for 1/Get my cash/Buy my gun/Kill you/Take your wealth/So damn crazy/I’ll kill myself.” Damn! That’s hot son!
2) Find a sleeping hummingbird at night. This might sound a bit strange, but for the past seven years I’ve been inspired by hummingbirds. Back in 2003 I was going through hard times (balls were clogged up, bank told me I couldn’t deposit coins in the ATM, ex-girlfriend was taking me to Judge Judy cus I owed her half the money for her abortion). In fact, times were so hard that I would just stay in the bed and sleep my sorrows away. Eventually I grew tired of the routine and said to myself while half asleep “Jesus help me. If you are real please show me a sign or something!” And for the first 30-45 seconds nothing happened. So I just figured He was busy freeing Whitney Houston from her crack addiction. But then a hummingbird appeared in my bedroom window and stayed there for about a minute, just looking so colorful and serene. Since then I’ve been curious to know how the only bird that can fly in reverse operates, how many hours they sleep at night, if they have a totalitarian or democratic system of government, etc, etc. But most of all I want to visit them while they’re sleeping, just as they came to me when I needed them most.
3) Kidnap a toddler. Now, now…before you rush to judgment let me explain. There are far too women young mothers out there who would rather shop and talk on their cell phones, when they should be keeping their children on human leashes. Thus, we have this pandemic of toddlers who can’t walk well getting in the way of full grown adults. To combat this problem, during the month of February 2010 I will kidnap any stray toddlers that I see at public areas such as shopping malls. The kidnap will only be temporary. Meaning, I will snatch the kid and take off running to the other end of the mall. Approximately three minutes later I will return the child to the crying mother and say “Watch yo’ fuckin’ kids. So 1) They don’t get snatched and 2) They keep adult walking paths clear. By the way, would you like to hear my new gangster rap?”
4) Sing ‘Fair Eastside in the bathroom of my local inner city high school. Much like the aforementioned hummingbird, the film Lean On Me has proven to be inspirational. When I first heard Principal Joe Clark say “I ain’t got to do nothing but stay black and die!” I immediately wanted to say the same to my elementary school teachers. Unfortunately a terrible stuttering problem prevented me from doing so. Years later I would be even more inspired by the young troublemakers who were forced to sing the school song by Principal Clark. Those young men are the essence of black creativity. Their ability to sing so well AND maintain perfect Jheri curls is unparalleled. So to occupy my extra time I will get a Jheri curl, sneak onto the grounds of my local inner city high school and make fast friends with a few young students to complete the group. We will then pay tribute to the exemplary young men of Eastside High and Principal Joe Clark with a rendition of their beautiful song. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, check the video below.
Well I’m sure these four gargantuan tasks for keep me busy during the next 28 days. I hope you join me on my nightclub and bar hiatus. After all, there’s nothing in the club but ass, titties and trouble. Good luck.
Dewan W. Gibson: Author of The Imperfect Enjoyment
Tired of People Being Against Abortion, But For Lower Taxes. Somebody Gotta Pay for Those Babies!
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Humor, Social Comm
