Politicians Trying to Get Play
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Humor, Social Comm
It has been a bad week for fake ass politicians. First California State Senator Roy Ashburn, who has consistently voted against equal rights for gays, was arrested for drunk driving…after he left a gay bar with a twink (exit only, I learned the term “twink” from “Terrail.” Read my book and you’ll get the joke).
Anyway, after the arrest Senator Ashburn admitted that he has a sexual preference for humans with Y chromosomes. He then made plans to attend Fire Island this summer.
Then, Eric Massa, a married with children US Congressman from New York resigned after being accused of inappropriate behavior towards male staffers. He claims he only tickled his staffers and once said “I should be fucking you!” But besides that he didn’t do much other than get a major boner as he imagined soap dripping down the crack of a young man’s ass. Congressman Massa will also be attending Fire Island this summer.
Lastly, Utah State Representative Kevin Garn admitted that at age 28 he went skinny dipping with a 15 year old employee. Years later when he ran for office in his late 40’s he paid the woman $150,000 not to mention the incident. But you guessed it; her slick ass went and blabbed off to the media anyway. Unfortunately after losing a 150k, Representative Garn cannot afford to attend Fire Island, but hopes to make it to Freak-Nic in Atlanta when that starts again.
The lesson is, if you plan on being a politician, consider letting all your dirt out prior to taking office. When I run for the Senate all I have to say is “Read the book man, just read the book.” On second thought…there is that one incident with that woman who might have born in the early 1990’s. But the statute of limitations is almost up on that so I’m cool! Coming soon, Senator Baby D.
Dewan W. Gibson: Author of The Imperfect Enjoyment
Why I’m Against The War
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Humor, Social Comm
This don’t make no damn sense. Woman goes over and fights for our country and comes back to work in a fake ass strip club–in Meechy’s basement. We gotta do better for our wounded warriors.
Dewan W. Gibson: Author of The Imperfect Enjoyment
Jihad Jane: Actress Glenn Close A Terrorist?
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Humor, Social Comm
So much for racial profiling…American actress Glenn Close has been charged with plotting to kill a Swedish journalist who drew a derogatory cartoon of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH). You probably know her from the 1980’s thriller Fatal Attraction. Well, she allegedly recruited potential killers online and wrote of her desire to become an Islamic martyr. You know, just the regular ol’ shit that Hollywood stars do.
I always knew those Hollywood commies were up to something. And don’t let me get started on that foreign-born socialist Hussein Obama…jeez. I’m just glad to know that we have real patriots like Liz Cheney to pick up where Joseph McCarthy left off.
Sorry!!! I’ve just been alerted that the accused terrorist IS NOT actress Glenn Close. Apparently she is Colleen LaRose, a suburban housewive in Montgomery, Pennsylvania and a down-low terrorist. You can read more about her arrest here. I still suspect that she might have a Hollywood connection and I will keep you updated. The real Glenn Close (or is her name really Colleen LaRose?) is below. Sorry about that, but God Bless America.
Dewan W. Gibson: Author of The Imperfect Enjoyment
Judge Mathis: One Of My Favorite People
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Humor, Social Comm
Before starting this post I want to reaffirm my love for Judge Judy. I’ve spoken of her in glowing terms usually reserved for models of womanhood such as Mary-Mother of Jesus and Sheila-Mother of Dewan, Wayne, Durrell and Lashaunta. However, there is another TV judge that I admire and that’s Judge Mathis.
I started digging Judge Mathis years ago when I noticed a number of his proceedings included the phrase “Y’all must of had something freaky going on!” Often the litigants did NOT have anything freaky going on, but being such an astute Judge, Brotha Mathis figured he should ask anyway. Plus he wanted to be ready in case some freaky shit did jump off after the show.
Sadly Judge Mathis is not shown on basic TV in San Diego. I guess it’s kind of like how The Man puts literature by black authors in the “black section” of the bookstore despite the story of the novel having little or nothing to do with the black experience. Well, the same for Judge Mathis. He’s a black judge so I guess they figure only markets with large black populations are interested in seeing if there actually is “something freaky going on.”
But thanks to the magic of the internet I was able to see Judge Mathis on Youtube. Check him out discussing the prison industrial complex and the need for reform (WTF! Corporate owned prisons paying inmates $1 a day!).
Anyway, if you’re one of those fancy, rich progressive people with hundreds of cable channels and multiple episodes of shows like The Colbert Report stored on your DVR (whatever that is), feel free to invite me over so we can try and find Judge Mathis. Until then watch him above and below.
Dewan W. Gibson: Author of The Imperfect Enjoyment
John Mayer Said Nigga: Who Gives a Damn…
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Social Comm
A number of black themed blogs are upset about John Mayer’s “nigger” comments…and it’s a whole bunch of racket about nothing. The minute someone lacking in melatonin says “nigga” or “nigger” the context behind their statements is disregarded and an immediate racism examination is conducted.
In short, the offender is screened for their history with black people, someone calls Jesse, someone calls Al and then the offender issues an apology—just to shut everyone up. White liberals and black intellectuals continue to pounce on the offender until he or she completes six months of nigga punishment, which includes additional apologies and service to the black community.
As you can read below from Mayer’s conversation with Playboy, this ain’t exactly Michael Richards at the Los Angeles Laugh Factory. Mayer is making the point that if he was genuinely accepted within the black community perhaps he would have the go ahead to use the word “nigger” (NOTE: Considering publications ALWAYS print “nigger” when someone says “nigga” I assume Mayer actually said “nigga”—not that it makes any difference to the ultra sensitive).
I suppose Mayer could have said “n-word” instead of actually saying “nigger.” But I suppose the vast majority of African Americans, Latinos and Filipinos could do the same. Yes, in case you didn’t know the “n-word” is common among the three ethnic groups mentioned.
Listen, I find it funny when Chris Rock says “There’s a difference between niggas and black people.” I laugh just as hard when he calls white people “crackers.” I also find it funny when friends say “Nigga please!”
So I refuse to display the blatant hypocrisy that comes with laughing when one person says it and criticizing another, despite the fact that the person is not even calling someone “nigger” or “nigga.”
He is alluding to a term! Sorry, but I can’t aid in creating an environment where someone cannot even discuss the term, without actually saying the term. Nigga, nigga, nigga. Big deal.
Think of it this way. Say I’m with female friends, and as manly men like myself often do, I blurt out the lyrics to Lady Gaga and scream ”I’m a free bitch!” However, say one of the women I’m with gets offended. Is her offense justified? Do I really need to be called a chauvinist? Does my picture on a “Wanted: Dead or Alive” poster really need to be sent to the National Organization for Women? No!
Bottom line, save for the anger for real racism—Michelle Obama’s picture altered to look like monkey, the Michael Bell shooting and verdict, US immigration policy towards Haiti—not some singer who makes light of a supposed dirty, yet sacred term that is consistently used in a NUMBER of communities.
Pick your battles wisely, this ain’t one of them.
A portion of Mayer’s interview is below. You can read the rest by clicking HERE.
Dewan W. Gibson: Author of The Imperfect Enjoyment
MAYER: Someone asked me the other day, “What does it feel like now to have a hood pass?” And by the way, it’s sort of a contradiction in terms, because if you really had a hood pass, you could call it a nigger pass. Why are you pulling a punch and calling it a hood pass if you really have a hood pass? But I said, “I can’t really have a hood pass. I’ve never walked into a restaurant, asked for a table and been told, ‘We’re full.’”
PLAYBOY: It is true; a lot of rappers love you. You recorded with Common and Kanye West, played live with Jay-Z.
MAYER: What is being black? It’s making the most of your life, not taking a single moment for granted. Taking something that’s seen as a struggle and making it work for you, or you’ll die inside. Not to say that my struggle is like the collective struggle of black America. But maybe my struggle is similar to one black dude’s.
PLAYBOY: Do black women throw themselves at you?
MAYER: I don’t think I open myself to it. My dick is sort of like a white supremacist. I’ve got a Benetton heart and a fuckin’ David Duke cock. I’m going to start dating separately from my dick.
PLAYBOY: Let’s put some names out there. Let’s get specific.
MAYER: I always thought Holly Robinson Peete was gorgeous. Every white dude loved Hilary from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. And Kerry Washington. She’s superhot, and she’s also white-girl crazy. Kerry Washington would break your heart like a white girl. Just all of a sudden she’d be like, “Yeah, I sucked his dick. Whatever.” And you’d be like, “What? We weren’t talking about that.” That’s what “Heartbreak Warfare” is all about, when a girl uses jealousy as a tactic.
The Truth About Sexual Addiction
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Humor, Social Comm
Former ESPN baseball analyst Steve Phillips was on “The Today Show” to discuss his battle with sex addiction. To make a long story short the 40-something Mr. Phillips and his magnificent goatee cheated on his wife with a 22 year old production assistant (as documented when I inducted Mr. Phillips into my Player Hall of F(sh)ame).
The chubby assistant fell in love with Mr. Phillips. Out of a jealous anger she then confronted his wife by texting “We both can’t have him” and later showed up at her house. She also reached out to one of his four children via a fake identity on Facebook to get the inside scoop on the marriage. Mr. Phillips and the production assistant were both fired from ESPN. His goatee was fired a week later.
Mr. Philips is now attempting to rehabilitate his image and has completed a second go-around at the same sex addiction clinic where Tiger Woods is allegedly receiving treatment. So…to finally get to the point, this sex addiction phenomenon is starting to reek of bullshit.
For one, sexual activity is a biologically inherent trait. Males are programmed to reproduce, and exercise their chances to have a successful reproductive act. Which means having sex with women of child bearing age and appearance. Key word being the plural of woman, WOMEN.
But marriage is a social norm that tells us we should only express this reproductive trait with a woman whom you file a joint tax return. As a result you have this male conflict between biology and the desirable social norm to have a happy family life and not lose half of everything you own. Some men choose the former; some choose the latter, while others want both.
So to say Steve Phillips and Tiger Woods are sex addicts is a bit of a stretch. But they are men who share three characteristics: 1) They have options 2) They have the means and 3) They are arrogant.
An average (or even less than average) looking man with stable employment and confidence/arrogance will be attractive to a lot of women. But multiply that times 1,000 and make that same less than good looking man rich and powerful. That equals PUSSY GALORE! I know you probably didn’t learn that equation in ninth grade algebra, but it’s true. (Men + extraordinary means=options) x (arrogance)=PUSSY GALORE. For example: Bill Clinton, David Duchovny and that to a lesser extent that nigga in the club buying out the bar all have options. And they have a near unlimited amount of means. It’s a dangerous mix.
The good news is that many or most men grow out of their selfish phase and commit to an ordinary married life. But an arrogant man never leaves the selfish phase that most of us overcome in our mid to late 20’s. An arrogant man believes he DESERVES a loyal wife, a stable family, a harem of average looking women, or at least a chubby intern to mess around with.
He is also arrogant enough to believe he will never be caught. And if he is caught, he can deal with it anyway. Because in his eyes, and often in the eyes of others, HE’S THE SHIT!
This behavior often continues until the arrogant man with options and the means, is truly humbled by his behavior blowing up in his face, or simply accepts that he is not husband material—which is OK!
But until then he has no business being married, and these silly ass women have no business thinking they can change him after marriage. You can excuse his behavior by labeling it an addiction or simply see it for what it is: options, means and arrogance.
NOTE: I am not an expert in relational therapy or any associated field. However, I do hold a Master of Arts in the Easy Classes from San Diego State University. I have also conducted extensive observational and participatory research on fidelity. I have moderate options and means, but have worked hard to eliminate arrogance while maintaining confidence.
Dewan W. Gibson: Author of The Imperfect Enjoyment
Remakes, Remixes: We Are The World…Redone
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Humor, Social Comm
Come on man, “We Are the World 2010.” Bullshit! If the song doesn’t include an artist with a Jheri curl and a bedazzled glove, it shouldn’t be called “We Are the World.” If the song doesn’t have the real Stevie Wonder in it, it shouldn’t be called “We Are the World.” Well, maybe Stevie wonder is in the new version, but I’m talking about the slim, sexual Stevie. Not the Stevie that’s been fuckin’ with all those fried foods.
You’re telling me that 90 of the supposed most creative singers in the world couldn’t come up with a title besides “We Are the World 2010.” How about “Haiti! Rise!” Or since we have a few rappers involved how about “Haiti Up In This Bitch!” Remade movies, remixed songs and now a redone fundraiser. Where’s the creativity? They’re even copying the whole look of the stage.
Bottom line, no matter how good this song sounds it cannot create the same energy as the original version. Reason #1: We’ve seen this before. Reason #2: We’re dealing with an unpreventable natural disaster, as opposed to a large scale fully preventable mass starvation. Reason #3: In the age of the internet, most of the artists are overexposed.
When the first “We Are the World” was released it was rare to see most of the artists on the stage, let alone see them together. Think about Michael Jackson at the top of his popularity. He was rarely seen! He’d show up at an awards show looking all shy and mysterious and shiny, had an occasional video, but that was about it. Even though he was the most famous man in the world, he was hiding out like a Chupacabra in Puerto Rico. And when he was seen, he barely said a word. He just got his skinny ass on stage and did something NEW and CREATIVE.
But now you can see any these artists simply by typing their names in Google. Not to mention their Twitter accounts, blogs, video after video, advertisement for their colognes and perfumes, interviews with Jay, Dave, Oprah, Tyra, Jimmy, Conan and Ellen, gossip shows, guest appearances on sitcoms, at Starbucks or Nobu trying to be seen, but not seen. Shit!
I’ll admit the cause is admirable. But from 90 creatives and eccentrics I expect more. And I haven’t even heard the goddamn song yet.
UPDATE: IT HAS JUST BEEN CONFIRMED THAT VINCE VAUGHN ALSO SINGS ON THE NEW “WE ARE THE WORLD.” YES, VINCE “MOTOR BOAT” VAUGHN FROM WEDDING CRASHERS. NO LIE!
Dewan W. Gibson: Author of The Imperfect Enjoyment
Tired of People Being Against Abortion, But For Lower Taxes. Somebody Gotta Pay for Those Babies!
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Humor, Social Comm
A Dirty, Dirty Death
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Humor, Social Comm
1980s: Marcus Perry showed it to me and I waved myself calm with a Japanese hand fan. Prince told Apollonia to purify herself in Lake Minnetoka; she did just that and polluted my mind. Mom and Dad left it in the VCR. Big brother Wayne said “When the guy gonna get on top.”
1990s: Crazy Nick had the largest collection in the Midwest. The whole crew went to his place and watched. Everyone pretended not to be a virgin. I couldn’t lie cus my voice was still high. Still everything was cool till Nick asked “I wonder what that taste like?” He was talking about him.
2000s: Found out it’s not like the movies. Found out I’m not like the movies. Dialup died, DSL was born. Redtube, Xtube, Pornotube. Fake amateurs, phony actors. Too easy, too available, girls gone too wild, too often. Internet lives, porn is dead.
Dewan W. Gibson: Author of The Imperfect Enjoyment
Drinking Mountain Dew While Black
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Social Comm
Let’s get straight to the facts: An eighteen year old viola playing HONOR STUDENT was walking down a Pittsburgh street when three PLAIN CLOTHES cops jumped out of the car and tried to apprehend him for carrying a “heavy looking object,” which turned out to be a BOTTLE OF MOUNTAIN DEW! Not knowing who the three angry white men were, the teen attempted to run, at which point he was beaten so bad he had his locks pulled out.
Now, I’ve been in 2-3 scraps in my life and left one with a speed knot on my forehead (it was 5th grade, dude outweighed me by 50 pounds–tried to find him on Facebook so we can finish what we started but he’s not on there). That one speed knot left me a bit shook cus I was afraid the girls would no longer think I was short and cute like Webster if I had a second head growing. So I can only imagine the mental and physical pain this young man is going through. I say it’s at least 10-20 million dollars worth of pain. Better yet, let the thugs in blue doing a little time. See how much they like running up on people who won’t run away.
To read the full story click this link: CNN. BTW I had to add that pick of Halle Berry, cus the beating the police gave my boy is ruining the look of my blog.
Dewan W. Gibson: Author of The Imperfect Enjoyment
Sasha Grey, PETA & Kelis=Dirty Thoughts While Watching Paid Programs
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Dewan's Top Models, Social Comm
I admire PETA’s passion, but sometimes they go a bit overboard. They fronted on R&B singer Kelis for wearing fur, she struck back with a hilarious yet common sense letter, and then they publicly called her a gold digger. Though I’m ultra liberal on a lot of issues, I’m a bit more moderate when it comes to the killing of animals. Without going to a lengthy discussion of my ill-formed policy I summarize it as: use what you need, but don’t go overboard. Obviously we haven’t yet show the propensity to do this, but I’d like to see some sort of happy medium between PETA and the fat ass who eats a cow a week at Mc’Donald’s. On another somewhat related note I saw Denzel “Black Jesus” Washington kill a cat in the Book of Eli and then read about the uproar from intellectual elites who were appalled that such a scene could be shown in a movie in which DENZEL’S CHARACTER IS LIVING OFF THE LAND AFTER A NEAR APOCALYPSE!
Anyway, back to my original reason for even bringing up PETA. They released an ad encouraging feline birth control featuring actress/porn star Sasha Grey whom I profiled in an earlier blog post. So after all that mouthing off I finally get to the point: Sasha Grey, the Lebron James of the porn industry, is in a new PETA ad. Damn, can’t believe that took so long. Enjoy the pic of Sasha above and check out my earlier post for a video of her on Tyra. Check out Redtube.com if you want to see her at work. Hold on, you know what…now that I’m looking at these PETA provoked pictures I’d have to say f**k Redtube and all that crazy ass porn, the picture below of Kelis is off the chain! Damn I sound like a perv, but it’s 1am on a Friday night and I’m sitting on the couch blogging/watching a paid program selling Dean Martin DVDs.
Dewan W. Gibson: Author of The Imperfect Enjoyment
Broke Man Thangs
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Humor, Social Comm
Six months ago I quit my 8-5 “real job” as HNIC at a health care organization to…well, I don’t think I actually had a plan, but it had something to do with “focus on writing.” Since that time I’ve traveled a bit (blunts and brownies in Amsterdam, tracksuits and beer in England), watched a lot of daytime TV (don’t fuck with Steve Wilkos), written some cool stuff (blogged and guest blogged), promoted my book (cheap ass negroes always wanna borrow and not BUY a copy), masturbated in three hour intervals, argued with and choked my girlfriend, visited bars thrice weekly, did a little consulting work and started writing a free mixtape style book to be released when I damn well get ready to put it out. However, for about the past two months a brotha has been broke. But surprisingly it has not been that bad. Why? Because I’ve adjusted to doing “broke man thangs” such as:
- Using earwax as face moisturizer
- Asking friends if they need a ride and then charging their asses gas money once we get there
- Calling my old job and saying “Merry Christmas. When are the W-2s being mailed?”
- Calling my old job and saying “Happy New Year. Where the fuck my W-2 at?”
- Mixing ramen noodle seasoning with water to create salad dressing
- Choosing a different bartender with every drink in order to spread the pain from my no tip policy
- Wiping my ass with cotton balls after running out of toilet tissue
- Turning movie and dinner dates into Redbox and go to sleep with hunger pangs dates
- Washing dishes with hand soap
- Putting black tape on my car dash so I don’t see the engine light, the gas light, or the broken blinker light come on
I’m sure I’m not the only one struggling out here. Well, I guess I should hit up Craigslist for a new job or to sell some ass. Be easy, let’s get this money man!
Dewan W. Gibson: Author of The Imperfect Enjoyment
Are There Potholes in Copenhagen? LA Mayor Spends 120k of Taxpayer Money for Denmark Trip
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Social Comm
We all know that 90 percent of work-related conferences are simply a time to get paid to network (which is the corporate term for “party”), pretend to be interested in boring ass panel discussions and most importantly finally nail that colleague you’ve been lusting over for the past year.
But Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa took the whole conference trip thing a bit further. He and seven aides went to Copenhagen, Denmark for the UN Climate Conference at a taxpayer cost of $120,000! I know Los Angeles is a large city, but it’s also struggling ecomically and to send seven aides and a mayor to a conference in Europe is crazy. He’s not a federal politician or even a state-wide office holder. He’s the god damn mayor! He fills potholes! He cuts ribbons when a new Starbucks opens in the hood! He speaks at elementary school graduations! He doesn’t even have to wear a suit to work! I can see logging into a web conference online to discuss a lot of things that will never get done, but to actually fly over there at the taxpayer’s expense…bullshit.
Listen, I love Copenhagen and fully understand the lure of the city. I highly recommend Americans visit, especially American males with an appreciation for women who next to the Dutch have developed the greatest lower bodies of any women in Europe through biking as the primary mode of transportation. Brown women, black women, white women, yellow women—Copenhagen is off the chain.
But back to Mayor V: Like many men he has a weakness for women and did some slick with a newscaster outside of his marriage (sorry, don’t care enough to go into detail but you can find it online), so perhaps he was thinking what I was thinking when it comes to conferences and more importantly Copenhagen. Anyway, I’m sure Mayor V “learned” a lot during his trip. I read that he spoke about making Los Angeles more bike friendly, which is great until you consider the beat up roads and number of drunken starlets that cruise the streets completely inebriated.
I’ll give the Mayor the benefit of the doubt, once he gives me a bit more information. Today I emailed his office with two simple questions: 1) What was accomplished during the mayor’s trip to the UN Climate Conference in Copenhagen? 2) What was the reasoning behind taking seven aides to Copenhagen at the expense of taxpayers?
I’ll be sure to update this post when and if I hear back from the Mayor’s office. Until then let’s have a look at what $120,000 can buy you in Los Angeles:
-The salary of 2.5 teachers for a year
-A six month coke binge that includes the opportunity to sniff it off a fat chick’s ass
-4,800 potholes could have been filled (obviously I’m big on LA potholes)
-A three year contract to pay three reformed gang members to mentor at-risk youth
-Free operations for 30 women to receive the new less invasive liposuction operation that freezes fat cells and creates an hourglass figure that I happen to like
-Salary for one doctor to provide a year of free and low cost services at a community health center
-1,200 Simon Cowell stretch t-shirts to donate to homeless men that want to show off their man boobs.
-The production cost of a dating reality show like “Ray of Love” that could potentially be aired on VH-1 and inspire countless women throughout the nation
-Cost to pay me to run LA for two years as mayor, at which point I’d do crazy shit like mandate that all film premiers be held in Compton until a big budget romantic comedy featuring people of color is finally produced
Well, I hope to hear back from the mayor soon. If not, fuck it…I live in San Diego, the other broke So Cal city.
Dewan W. Gibson: Author of The Imperfect Enjoyment
Alicia Keys: Double Standard?
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Social Comm
Remember how I mentioned that I rarely do celebrity gossip, as I find it feminine and over-saturated? Well, I guess you’ll soon see me with a lip ring, divo walk and aerated mesh shirt. But seriously, I don’t consider this celebrity gossip as I am DISCUSSING the public’s reaction to certain stars.
OK, finally to the goddamn point: If almost any other female superstar had stolen a married man from up under his wife’s nose she would be crucified in the press. I could care less about the morality of Alicia Key’s and Swizz Beatz’s transgressions (word of the month), but why does she get a pass? How can the same woman who wrote “A Woman’s Worth,” “Girlfriend” and quite a few other uplifting songs for women steal someone another sista’s man, and get off scott free?
Can you imagine if Lil’ Kim had let Swizz Beatzz get a piece of that hairy muff (see above) and stolen him away? I can see the comments now : “We always knew she was a hoe,” “Somebody need to shank that bitch,” “Old nasty dirty ass tramp!”
But Alicia Keys is different. The comments have been more like: “She is so beautiful,” “Oh my God I can’t wait for her new CD,” and “She looks pretty good with Swizz Beatz.” Neeeeegro please!
Did I mention how I don’t give a damn about whatever relationship Alicia and Swizz have? After all, if you’ve read my book/short stories you know I have no room to talk. Shit, if Tiger Woods knew about my dirt he’d say “God damn nigga, u crazy.”
But! Why do some people get a pass while others get lambasted in the press? Who knows. But I will tell you one thing: Ladies be careful. There might be a woman lurking who will pull an Alicia Keys on you. In other words, she’ll uplift to a high point where your head is in the clouds, and then steal your man from right underneath your feet!
NOTE: I did not mention the public’s response to Swizz Beatz because as in numerous other cases he is a benefactor of a male dominated society. Damn, OK. I’m going to watch football and drink beer, gotta get my testosterone back up. Peace.
Dewan W. Gibson: Author of The Imperfect Enjoyment
SYNOPSIS: When college instructor Dewan Gibson leaves the Midwest for California, he expects to find a world of breast implants, beer and beaches. Instead he enters a secret and ill-fated romance with a Middle Eastern undergraduate. In this vivid and humorous memoir, Gibson describes his attempts to overcome his forbidden love affair by jumping into an office fling gone wrong (Tijuana Mornings), traveling across the world to Denmark in hopes of meeting “Ms. Booty Mama” (Arhus Ain’t for Lovers) and musing over the interracial relationships between his African-American uncles and “rural white women that wore 1980’s big bangs and resembled Guns N’ Roses groupies” (Too Much Tupac). Toeing the line between stable adulthood and post-college debauchery, Gibson presents a comically honest look at the frailty of modern relationships. Poignant, witty and at times downright hilarious–The Imperfect Enjoyment is a story of toxic relationships and the search for a second chance at love that enlightens and amuses as very few books do.
Black Men/White Women: Big Time Overstatement
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Social Comm
A post I read on Nakedwithsockson.com about the end of “black love” got me to thinking about the constant fear and alarmist reactions associated with black male/white female relationships. In fact, black men are with white women far less than other groups who date outside their race–only six percent of black males are married to a non-black woman. Most interracial relationships are among Asian women and white men, as 22 percent of Asian women have a non-Asian wife. Also, 15 percent of Hispanic men are married to someone outside their race. Yet, black men-white women relationships continue to be the most controversial. If you don’t believe me find the nearest black woman and ask her to name five black male celebrities that are married to white women, I bet she’ll rattle off the number in a second. Or just look at the black-flack given to Wesley Snipes (how can you dog Nino Brown!), Taye Diggs (Nas Lil Scrappy called him a coon one of his earlier CDs) and of course Tiger Woods.
In spite of these numbers we don’t hear the Asian of Latino communities talking about the end of intraracial love. There are a few billion people on this earth, if you must find someone of your own race your options are damn near unlimited. Or if you’re a black woman, consider dating outside your race. Only two percent of black women do so, which is far less than the other races. Regardless, black love is not ending and black people will not become extinct.
So from where does this controversy stem? Obviously the media is the main culprit. Since the days of that hateful cinematic “masterpiece” that made black men look like animals preying on white female flesh there has been a fear of black male-white female relationships. The black community then adopted and changed these fears to the present theme of “we’re losing all our black men.” Bottom line, it just ain’t happening. Like Jay-Z said “Men lie, women lie–numbers don’t.” And if the numbers increase who gives a damn.
If you want to read more about interracial relationships check out my tips to surviving an interracial relationship amongst the stares, often troublesome molding of cultures and flat-out hate from “friends” and family. And for the scholars out there you might want to check out a book that I skimmed through by Kellian Craig-Henderson entitled Black Men in Interracial Relationships, I’m sure you can buy it on Amazon.
Damn, that was a short social commentary. Well just one more thing: I don’t capitalize the terms white and black because they are only symbolic of color and not culture, plus its grammatical incorrect to do so (Not that I’m a constant stickler). However, I do capitalize terms such as African-American and Caucasian, which symbolize ethnicity. Peace out and let the Cablasian brother Tiger breathe a little bit.
Dewan W. Gibson: Author of The Imperfect Enjoyment
Negro Please! Lou Dobbs to Latinos “I’m One of Your Greatest Friends”
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Social Comm
When I first read that Lou Dobbs was on Telemundo and said to Latinos “I am one of your greatest friends,” I figured The Onion had taken over Politico.com. Keep in mind this is the same man who as a CNN journalist falsely accused Latinos of bringing Leprosy into the US (is that shit even still around?) and generally bagged on immigrants as the primary source of American problems. Not to mention he was foolish enough to give televised credence to the dumb ass President Obama birther movement. I guess now that’s he’s contemplating a run for president in 2012 Lou Dobbs is becoming Luis Dobbs. Punk ass Lou Dobbs…watch him get his ass handed to him by the President of La Raza.
Dewan W. Gibson: Author of The Imperfect Enjoyment
Somali Pirates Fan Club
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Social Comm
For obvious reasons I feel a sense of solidarity with my beanpole Somali brothers. Despite living in impoverished anarchy they find a way to survive. I wrote about the Somali pirate issue for another website (thatminoritything.com) and the piece generated a lot of comments/controversy. Some readers felt I was siding with “Muslim terrorists,” while others could sympathize with their struggle. Well, I’ll leave it up to you to decide.
SOMALI PIRATES FAN CLUB
I often find myself rooting for the underdog. When the arrogant New England Patriots had their undefeated season ruined I cheered for days. When the mighty Los Angeles Lakers got whooped in the 2004 NBA Finals, the text messages of sarcastic condolences I sent to Lakers fans felt almost orgasmic. Naturally my connection with the little guy is extended to the Somali pirates.
In contrast to what some recent media reports have stated the Somali pirates, despite some wearing traditional garb and beards that would make many Americans call the FBI, are not Islamic militants. According to a BBC report many of the pirates are former fishermen who had their livelihood threatened by illegal fishing after the Somali government collapsed in 1991.
As the Somali government fell the country erupted in lawlessness and various foreign owned vessels, primarily European and Asian, rushed into Somali waters, bullied the locals and took the resources. This would go on for years despite local fishermen appealing to the United Nations for support. As is the case with most problems in Africa that are not focused on by Caucasian entertainers, the international community remained idle.
Two European companies, Swiss firm Achair Partners and Italian waste management firm Progresso even had the gall to dump tons of nuclear and toxic waste into Somali waters as part of a secret deal with corrupt Somali political leader Ali Mahdi Mohamed. They were exposed by a 1997 joint investigation between Italian newspaper Famiglia Cristiana and Greenpeace, but again nothing was done.
Years later, after the 2004 tsunami caused the tide and tainted water to rise in the Gulf of Aden, the UK Times reported a number of Somali locals had been sickened with illnesses common to people exposed to radiation and toxic waste. The European companies, despite dumping the waste that caused these illnesses, were not penalized.
In addition to lack of employment opportunities and environmental discrimination, the governments and corporations that are taking financial losses should make one feel an accord with the Somali pirates.
The Chinese government (who apparently only tolerate technological piracy) sent warships to the area after they nearly lost a cargo boat. Ironically, this is the very same Chinese government that has trained fighter pilots and sold weapons to the genocide-loving Sudanese government.
Also, the oppressive government of Saudi Arabia, which paid a $3 million ransom to recover an oil tanker, has a long history of funding terrorist operations throughout the world.
Similar points can be made regarding a number of European countries that have historically raped the region and are now suffering financial calamities from pirate attacks.
But as is the case with most Robin Hood stories, all may not end well for the Somali pirates.
Recently a vacationing French family that had been warned not to sail through the troubled Somali waters was kidnapped. French troops attempted to save the family with a hostile ambush. This led to gunfire and the death of the French father who had previously blogged about the need to not let the pirates disrupt his trip across African waters. Early reports indicate he may have been a victim of friendly fire.
As we have all heard three Somali pirates were killed by U.S. Navy snipers after holding an American naval captain at gunpoint. According to the Los Angeles Times family members of the pirates and Somali elders attempted to negotiate a truce before the shooting. This deal would include the safe release of the American captain without a ransom, on condition that the Somali offenders be prosecuted at home and not detained by the Americans.
Yet President Obama, perhaps having woke up on the right side of the bed that morning and needing to “pass” his first national security test authorized the use of lethal force. In typical American style and despite the relative peaceful endings to most Somali pirate highjackings, the peace deal was dismissed with aggression that will only lead to more violence.
For the next few days many will feel good knowing that the mighty Americans save the day. Little attention will be given to conditions that birthed the Somali pirates or to the future hostages who will become victims of retaliatory violence. Like most underdogs the Somali pirates had their day in the sun. The run is over for the little guys, but I’m still cheering.
-Dewan W. Gibson: Author of The Imperfect Enjoyment
Sorry Ass Men: An (Un)Distinguished Fraternity
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Humor, Social Comm
Shit, women have it bad. After talking with depressed female friends and reading their pitiful Facebook updates (ex: I hate him so much I can’t even sleep, this man done gave me restless leg syndrome) I have reached the conclusion that female relationship pain is primarily due to a cycle of sorry ass men. So as a former (though some would say current) member of that undistinguished fraternity I’ve decided to do some good and list few things women can do to get a good—not great—man.
BE A LADY DAMMIT!
“Think like a man, act like a woman.” Bullshit. Can you think like your gay and be straight? Sounds awfully tough. Can you think like a loser and be a winner? Only if you hit the lottery. If you think like a stereotypical man (i.e. focused on pussy and new pussy) you’ll end up attracting the same sort of id-driven selfish person. You can never go wrong by being a lady. A lady—classy, smart, entrances to all body orifices off limits until the guy actually feels something for you—is a rare find today. Let all the other women sink down to our level and do typical men shit. Remain a classy lady and you’ll find a quality partner in the long run. And just like anything else being a lady starts with your thoughts that eventually turn into actions.
STOP FOCUSING ON YOUR BODY
So often women focus on exercising their bodies, but forget to exercise their minds. A big ass and/or nice titties are interesting to men for a maximum of about 18 months. Then some other woman with or without a big ass becomes more interesting. So you need to have a little substance. Put it this way: we can all agree that Halle Berry and Jennifer Lopez are both more physically attractive than Michelle Obama. And in his day President Obama might have even boned girls that looked like Halle and Jennifer. But who did he stick with? The average looking woman with a deep mind. Focus on your body too much and most often you’ll find a sorry ass man focused on the same.
CALM YO’ ASS DOWN
Women meet someone they think is nice and don’t know how to act! Despite not having a ring on her finger or even one in layaway, the woman will refer to her BOYFRIEND as “my hubby.” Even a good man gets scared of this label. Not only about the idea of marriage, but simply because it means we have to hide our skeletons further back in the closet. The idealized image of the “perfect man” is impossible to live up to so sometimes we’ll just run off or subconsciously start doing dumb shit just to say “Hey now, I’m not all that.” But a sorry ass man will play up to the “perfect man” image and even embrace it, up until you catch him with his head all up in some other woman’s ass.
What, did you expect more? This shit ain’t a science. Try the three things I mentioned and thank me later. By the way I have no training in marital therapy or anything remotely similar. However I do have an advanced degree in Communication Studies, which basically means I couldn’t get a job after college and wanted a couple-few more years to check out higher education ass. Best of luck ma.
Dewan W. Gibson: Author of The Imperfect Enjoyment
I LIKES THAT! No homo, no swag, no real talk.
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Humor, Social Comm
I am an untrained writer/lackluster speaker with little regard for the minute rules of grammar and a strong appreciation for creative slang. When young kids from hood flipped the meaning of “bad” to mean good and Michael Jackson ran with it; that was some slick shit. When the Wu-Tang Clan talked about the 49311, Power U or C.R.E.A.M…GOD DAMN!!! As for today’s current “it words”…blah, blah, blah.
One of my least favorite terms is “real talk.” Often said by young men wearing fake jewels, it gives the impression that everything else the speaker says is questionable. Besides the term “fareal,” especially when spoken by a black person with a high-pitched voice, is more than adequate to describe one’s seriousness and honesty. So let’s not rebuild the wheel—stick with “fareal.”
The next term on my hit list is “swagger,” which denotes that one has a certain “je ne sais quoi.” This term has a certain feminine quality to it, at best it is metrosexual. Come on man, a rapper named Fabolous [sic] talking about his swagger…I’ll pass—which means a lot considering I wear skinny jeans. Again, a term from long ago is much more profound. Simply put one is “fly” if he or she has an attraction that cannot be pinpointed as physical beauty or charisma. Better yet let’s refer to him or her as “The Whip.” Damn!!!
Next up, as I discussed in a previous post, is the phrase “no homo” Although it is meant to confirm that the speaker is not making homosexual overtures to the listener (for example, “What up homey? I like how those jeans hang off your ass…no homo.”), the phrase reeks of insecure masculinity. How about using a much more appropriate phrase: “exit only”? This phrase not only confirms that speaker is heterosexual, but also provides important bodily information. Confirming that the speaker’s rectum and anus are only used to aid in pushing one’s stool out the body and do not allow foreign objects to enter, such as penises or even an index finger when inserting a laxative or removing a dingleberry.
Lastly, just to show I’m not a hip-hop hater I propose a completely new slang phrase: “I LIKES THAT!” This phrase was invented by my 50-something year old father and means that one really-really like a particular something. “I LIKES THAT” is great in that with the simple addition of an ungrammatical plural “s,” it denotes that the speaker definitely likes but DOES NOT LOVE whatever he or she is speaking about. We all know rappers don’t love them hoes so the potential for this phrase is unlimited. I can hear it now being spoken by the hip-hop masses “I LIKES them hoes!” Hell yeah—real talk “I LIKES” is the next big slang phrase.
Dewan W. Gibson, Author of The Imperfect Enjoyment
TEA Par-tay: Kickin It With the Conservatives
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Humor, Short Stories, Social Comm
Told that cat not to drink Henny!
I tend to adopt a “try anything once” attitude when bored. Past exploits have included sticking my hand in a ceiling fan and adding voiceover play-by-play to my favorite porn clips. But recently I decided to grab life by the elephant tusks and attend a Tax Enough Already (TEA) protest in Oceanside, California.
I arrived at the event and nearly chickened out minutes after parking my car. Something about integrating a sea of angry white people felt dangerous. Not to say I’d be completely comfortable around a couple thousand angry black people, but I could at least be sure the police would be there—ready and willing to use excessive force at the slightest provocation.
After a long 15 minutes I decided to step out the car, albeit with precautions. I gathered my digital camera to identify potential attackers, a mobile phone to call 911 and tied my trainers extra tight. I figured if all else failed I’d Usain Bolt away from the ruckus. After all, you never know when chants of “NO MORE TAXES!” can morph into “NO MORE NEGROS!”
I finally made it down to the amphitheater and felt relieved. Yes the crowd was all white, but they were all middle to Larry King age white people. Basically the Walker, Texas Ranger demographic.
I approached the various booths staffed by political candidates and t-shirt salespeople hoping to strike a friendly conversation with someone. The future leaders and political hacks occasionally smiled my way, but after a quick scan of my black and gasp—young Barack Obama like appearance—they quickly turned away.
In fact Christine Rubin and her staff, who is a candidate for California’s 77th Assembly District, flat-out ignored me whenever I came within five feet of them. What a shame considering that as my potential district state representative I wanted to hear her ideas. Now I will forever know her as the candidate with Social African-American Anxiety Disorder (Full Disclosure/Update: Mrs. Rubin did send an excuse and gracious apology after my rambling email criticizing the snub).
Conservative radio host Rick Roberts kicked off the event with an enthusiastic welcome. While I do not share his views, I must admit that Roberts has a great voice for radio and television voiceovers. Somebody get this man a gig on Family Guy! Now I wish I could remember more of what he actually said, but the surrounding anti-Obama posters stole my attention. Right-wing artistic creativity was on full display with effigies of President Obama that included the term “thug” or the more descriptive term of “Chicago thug.”
Outside of being offended it also struck me how “thug” has become a 21st century euphemism for “nigger” among closet racists. Have a look at any online message board that features a controversial black athlete or entertainer and you are bound to see the new “it word.” In fact, ESPN no longer allows the term on its website. Interestingly enough it is also the term that TEA Party founder Mark Williams used to describe President Obama in the video below. Sorry I forgot, he actually said “an Indonesian Muslim turned welfare thug and a racist-in-chief.”
Even the First Lady was posterized. I can handle the lampooning of Barack, but Michelle should be off limits. Her main job is to hug foreign dignitaries and make sure Barack doesn’t wear those high-waist Jessica Simpson jeans again. Leave her out of the political shenanigans.
The event continued with an appearance by Congressman Darrell Issa. Representative Issa, a pudgy shiny-haired man of Lebanese descent and just a couple shades lighter than our “socialist leader,” seemed hurried in his statements. Actually, he seemed a bit like the occasional weed smoker who accidentally stumbles into a meth party. Getting high is a thing many of us know and maybe even enjoy, but smoking your teeth out is a bit too far over the line of innocent youthful discretion.
Issa simply couldn’t match the amount of hate in the crowd. He tried to raise his voice to drive home a few points—he even threw in a joke that’s not a joke about Obama—but when it came time to put his mouth on pipe and suck, the man bitched out. And I think he knew it. Minutes after Issa left the stage I spotted him making a near sprint for the exits.
The event dragged on with a very detailed health care speech from Dr. Gary Gonsalves, founder of Stop Taxing Us. Outside of audience banter by host Rick Roberts and a rotund lady next to me who kept yelling “Stay away from my children!” in response to Obama’s plan to address the nation’s schools, the crowd’s energy seemed to drift.
California gubernatorial candidate Chelene Nightingale tried to add energy with screams about “losing our freedom,” but she was outshined by an even angrier audience member. Apparently he did not agree with Nightingale’s claim that she was the American Independent Party’s pick to run for governor and he let her know. Sounding like Apostle E.F., the heavy man with the sweaty beard shouted “That’s a lie! You were not picked by AIP!” Eventually the police took his big ass away without force.
The event was soon over without a major ruckus. While a significant portion of the attendees seemed outright racist, most of the attendees’ views seemed typical of a party out of power—conspiracy theories and unsubstantiated rants about losing their country. They never said what specific freedoms have been taken away under President Obama or put a dollar amount on their alleged higher taxes, simply because the data does not exist.
As the evening ended I even began to understand the frustration that arises when your party is not in power. I thought back to my anger with George W. Bush and remembered wishing that he had choked on a slightly larger pretzel. I even fantasized about Condeleeza Rice wearing those thigh-high boots in front of Vice President Cheney, hoping she’d disrupt his unreliable ticker and take out evil doer number two.
Yet, I never ever actually wanted them dead and I believe the overwhelming majority of conservatives feel the same way about President Obama. Well, at least until he proposes immigration reform.
-Dewan W. Gibson: Author of The Imperfect Enjoyment
“You Lie!” No He is Not Dumb Ass: Rep. Joe Wilson (R-SC)
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Social Comm
Punk ass Rep Joe Wilson (R-SC) who yelled “you lie!” during Pres Obama’s health care address. Turns out the Pres is being honest and illegal immigrants are not covered under the proposal. Call Rep Wilson up and let him know that he should be in Jerry Springer’s audience with that BS: 202-225-2452
Rednecks Around the County Rejoiced
Poems from the Pen
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Social Comm
I know I make jokes about Big Leroy in San Quentin and allude to my fear of having my anal virginity taken while incarcerated, but of course there are actually people in the pen doing hard time. And statiscally speaking most of us know at least one person in there right now. Well, as a special post I’ve included poems from my Uncle Tony aka Skip Donahue, who is doing time in Noble Correctional Institute. Growing up we called his black ass Uncle Boo and he was instrumental in shaping me and my brother’s sense of humor (though these poems are serious). Within the last few months we started corresponding again and hopefully we’ll soon have a buckwild ass and titties welcome home party. Until then drop Skip a comment and I’ll mail out what you all say. Thanks!
News from Israel: Leo & Bar Breakup, Plus Young Israeli Racists
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Social Comm
Yeah I'd Say She's a Whooty
Big news from our #1 co-conspriator Israel: Leonardo Dicaprio and Israeli supermodel Bar Rafeli brokeup and some drunken Israeli youths talked shit about Obama. One even had the nerve to yell white power (though I bet he just finished partying to hip-hop music)! Shout out to Leo for doing the young George Clooney, but thumbs down to the young people on this video. We need to send George Jefferson over there to straighten shit up. I know Sammy Davis Jr. is rolling over in his grave…
The Strut on Washington—October 11
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Humor, Social Comm
Rupaul as BOTH of the Obamas
Cleve Jones who worked with gay rights activist Harvey Milk has announced a march on Washington scheduled for October 11. The march will focus on marriage rights for GLBT community. While I support gay marriage 100 percent I believe they need to be a bit more aggressive with their methods in gaining equality. Imagine if they created a Black Panther-esque hardcore gay militant group that would just slap the shit out of whoever disagreed with their lifestyle. Just as the Civil Rights Movement was balanced between the nonviolent methods of Dr. King and the self-defense methods of Malcolm X, the gays need diversity in their movement. Whatever the case I recommend that Rupaul be the leader of this group. Although many think Ru-Dogg is soft because he cross-dresses, he’s actually about 6′5″ and can probably beat some ass (not like that! get ur mind out the gutter). So best of luck in October to the gay community and also to us that are pro-EQUALITY. And remember I kid around because I care, which is why I had to post this “Men on Fitness” video from In Living Color.
Damn David Carradine! Too Freaky Man…
Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Social Comm
Never Trust a Kimono and a Smile
