My Newborn’s Foreskin Is A Keepsake I’ll Cherish Forever

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My third son, Larke Lawrence Wayne Gibson (the “e” in Larke is silent and very masculine), was born last Tuesday. This morning we reduced his chance of penile cancer and STDs by having his potentially embarrassing cock hoodie removed. As you can see in the picture above he was very content before the procedure (left) and somewhat surprised after the circumcision (right). Well, shocked would be a better description. Nonetheless he’ll be perfectly fine in a couple-few days.

Oh yeah, because we have great health insurance the doctor was nice enough to put Larke’s foreskin in a tiny jar for our keeping, which may be a new Obamacare provision. I plan to give it to him when he becomes a man on his tenth birthday, or sooner, if for some silly reason he decides he wants it reattached. Welcome to the world, Larke!

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-Dewan Gibson

Kim Jong Un On A Tiny Bed, Posing Like A Biz-Nitch

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Dictators are so soft and cuddly these days. Keep posing like this and no one will believe you’re capable of killing your own people (Shanghaiist).

-Dewan Gibson

Tweeting Through The Pain Of Seeing A Random Guy Sex Mom

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Praise be to Allah that I have a dad and not some random guy from the Rally’s pickup window mandingo-ing my mom. You figure if you catch Dad doing her all you can do is cheer him on.

-Dewan Gibson

Young Man Socks Old Man For Better View At Easter Parade

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Apparently the young dude wanted a better view of the Easter bunny or something so he socked and bloodied the old man. If anything this video shows the importance of having kids, preferably boys. Once you turn gray and start looking like Matlock young punks get disrespectful and try to test you. You can pull out your burner, and possibly face jail time, or just say, “I’m callin’ my boys, they ‘gon f**k you up!” (The Local).

-Dewan Gibson

Own A Mimi-Style Hang-On-The-D Shower Rod For $10

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Twitter erupted this morning with news of a sex tape from Mimi, who I just found out is not Mariah Carey (sorry, I haven’t been black for at least two years) but a star in one of those reality shows where the actors spend the season arguing and eventually fight during the reunion episode. Due to fear of penis envy I don’t watch many instructional videos, but I did see a clip and still frame of Mimi’s work. What I and others were shocked by was her ability to hang from a shower rod while her womb is shifted. Now everybody wants a screw-in shower rod and being the public servant that I am, I took it upon myself to find a great deal on one from Amazon. Enjoy and forward me your work if you’d like to have it reviewed.

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-Dewan Gibson

A Swirl Relationship Explained Through Chicken

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My only hesitation in entering a swirl relationship was that I would no longer be able to devour chicken in the manner that I’m used to. It’s a very private and often misunderstood cultural activity. Everything is eaten in honor of the ancestors: the tendons, the gristle, and any excess fat. Even the bone is dipped in hot sauce and sucked dry (No Tevin Campbell).

Melanin-deficients, who leave so much meat on the bone that it could feed a village of those little African kids they like to adopt in order to give them a life full of opportunity and hair neglect, often find the act strange, or even worse, gross. But my fiance and I (that’s her chicken on the right…obv) are able to come together and eat chicken without judgement. Just don’t let her refer to the meal as “supper,” then we’ll have some issues.

-Dewan Gibson

Chinese Diva With Quick Hands Assaults Boyfriend

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They’re speaking nonsense, but what supposedly happened is: The blonde-haired girl slapped her lover seven times in a row, only to have her lover retort: “Harder! You slap like you have not eaten!”  Dude with the bad haircut (I refuse to say victim) was mad, but if you look closely you’ll see he tries to get a quick dry hump in there after he pushes the sista against the wall. It’s kind of hard to stay angry when you feel that body heat and physicality (Shangaiist).

-Dewan Gibson

The Woman Who Inspired Michael Jackson’s ‘Billie Jean’?

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I’m thinking it’s probably the woman on the left. Her hips look more child bearing than the PYT’s on the right.

-Dewan Gibson

Jermaine289: The Thirstiest Man On Instagram

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I did a sex offender search of the address he checks in with on Instagram and he’s not on the list, yet.  Be sure to “fallow” him @jermaine289 for laughs and more importantly knowledge of his whereabouts.

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This Nun Can Blow, Watch Her Sing Alicia Keys On The Voice

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According to The Local, 25-year-old Cristina Scuccia is a nun in Italy and now the most popular contender on their version of The Voice. So hot…Whoopi taught her well.

-Dewan Gibson